It's Been A Long Time

Wow! It's been a long time since I blogged about anything, and even longer since I blogged something that wasn't self serving, or found somewhere else, but was - instead - deeply personal and intimate. I've been too busy wallowing in the mire of self pity, self doubt, regret, angst and guilt. I totally hate getting older and older and still not feeling like I have actually lived up to even my mildest aspirations.

What I have been doing is hiding out, becoming more and more reclusive, avoiding the internet entirely, reducing my circle of friends to the few who dare to push their way in (meaning nobody), hanging tight with my family, doing the barest of minimums every day, and burying myself in the Sims 2. Creating elaborate neighborhoods and scenarios, and pretty much losing myself in the fantasy of a game where I can always get what I want, where lifetime happiness can always be achieved, and friends and family can be found and created with only a little bit of effort.

I was starting to feel as if I was dying a slow death of lethargy and immobility. Actually, it was more like I had already died inside and was just waiting for my circumstances and my body to catch up with me. The walking dead... that was/is me. Shambling through the shambles of a life I have allowed to fall down around me.

Sometimes, the numbness would give way to a sort of nameless anxiety, that "Oh God!" feeling of having forgotten something really really important. And sometimes I would have glimpses of ... I would almost feel something ... like grief, a desperate sorrow, a heart clenching longing for ... I don't know what. Home maybe? That comes closest to describing it... something sure to hold on to, fall into, belong to, be enfolded in... And that, of course, was very uncomfortable and immediately sedated with food, television, the Sims, whatever was immediately available.

So what happened? And why am I here, blogging it?

Well, it was interesting (at least to me), because everything I know about life I've learned from playing The Sims, and in the game it was becoming more and more apparent that in order to get along in life, in order to achieve lifetime happiness, it is extremely helpful to have people. And I started trying to figure out how to have people in my real life without actually having to go anywhere or do anything. Which is partly what social media is all about. You can have a bunch of "friends" and never have to interact with them at all. I know this is true because I have 520 facebook friends, and not including my family, I actually know less than 20 of them, and maybe only 1 or 2 of them have my actual phone number.

At the same time, I realized that much of my lethargy and angst is fueled by regret. All the things that I did that I wish I hadn't done, all the things I didn't do that I wish I had done, so much that I could'a - should'a - would'a ... if only... and I really didn't know what to do with all that. So because everything else I know about life I've learned from books, movies, and television, I thought I'd take a page from the Debra Morgan  book of coping with the un-cope-able, and do some time on the treadmill. Remember Deb from Dexter running and running on the treadmill, working it out that way? Well, running is beyond my capabilities at this point, but I figured I could at least do some walking. And I have to tell you... it turned into yet another form of self torture. I tried just walking slow, I tried walking fast, I tried walking and watching television, I tried rewarding myself for walking, I tried listening to music and walking - which worked best, by the way - and ultimately the music was what saved me. But not yet...

It occurred to me that maybe what I needed was religion, a spiritual experience that could be revisited, something that would give me absolution, and comfort, and a reason to get up every morning and carry on.... Something larger than my baggage, my bullshit, my perennial self doubt... So I talked to my angels, and I talked to my guides... all the while convinced that they were disappointed and disgusted by my failure to make something special and interesting with my life, and had left me long ago in search of someone better, someone more authentic and real.

I looked up churches in the yellow pages, I contemplated becoming a Catholic. "Forgive me father for I have sinned" sounded very appealing to me. Plus, there would be - you know - actual people there. But in the end, you have to believe in that stuff for it to work, and while I am a believer in some things, I am not a believer in the conventional sense, and mainstream religions with their rules and dogma do not appeal to me, I have never been a rule follower, or a believer in dogma. I am an asker of questions, a skeptic, a rebel, and a rule breaker... there's no church that I could find where I thought there was even the remotest chance of fitting in or finding what I was looking for.

Then, suddenly, surprisingly, my angels and guides came through for me and gave me... a church to go to, someone to listen to, something to cling to, and no - not comfort, not absolution, but something real that (right now anyway) resonates so deeply it has brought me out of my lethargy, and back to the world of maybe not the living, but certainly the not quite dead.

So what was it? This is the strangest life I've known... because when I asked for Church, when I asked for spiritual guidance, when I asked for something that would give me back my connection to life, I got The Doors and Jim Morrison. And I'm like... really? And yet from the moment I played that CD I have felt more alive, more understood, more real, more OK with the mess I have made with my life, than I have in years. So, of course (since I never do anything half way)  I got the movie, and every DVD I could get my hands on... all the CD's... the books...

And here I am online again, looking to connect with the larger world. Morrison's voice resonating in my head, unable to just sit and mindlessly play the Sims, thinking that maybe, just maybe it might be possible to break on through to the other side.

The Secret To Lifelong Happiness

I have discovered the secret to lifelong happiness and peace of mind!! How cool is that? Are you curious to know what it is? It's quite simple, actually, here's the step by step tutorial:

1. Move in with a nice, easy to please person who already has a lot of money.
2. Use their money and go on an extended vacation to a tropical island paradise.
3. While you are there, say hello to one of the locals, and next thing you know the two of you will be hanging out together and on the way to becoming very good friends.
4. Make an offering at an ancient temple.
5. Accumulate good karma by being nice to people.
6. When you get home from vacation invite your new friend to come for a visit. The two of you will hit it off and in no time at all you'll be in love and making plans for marriage.
7. Because of your good karma, a mysterious person will leave a magic lamp on your doorstep in the middle of the night.
8. When you find the lamp, keep it safe until you are in a really good mood, and then rub the lamp.
9. A genie will appear and give you three wishes. Isn't that nifty?
10. Wish for peace of mind. (Save the other two wishes for later).
11. You will then be in a permanent state of grace - and lifelong happiness will be yours for the taking.
12. Now, marry your friend from the islands, and when that person is in a really good mood, give them the lamp so they can wish for their own peace of mind... and the two of you will live happily ever after!

I know this to be true because I played the Sims all day yesterday and that's exactly what happened! Here's the back story:

I've been having this urge to play the Sims - which usually means there's an important lesson about life that I can learn from it. So I powered up my game and created a person just like me. And of course, right away I realized that she was going to be a real pain in the ass because I couldn't get her to make friends with anyone. She flat out wasn't interested in talking to people at all... and spent all of her time making sure her 3 cats didn't destroy her house. She didn't have any money, and she couldn't find a job she liked. It was sounding way too familiar!

So, I decided I'd populate my neighborhood with copies of me and see if I'd even like myself if I happened to meet myself on the street. I love social experiments like this... Anyway... she'd never talk to herself when she walked by - and if I made her stop and chat - she'd spend like... I dunno... 2 seconds saying "hi" and then she was out of there.

It was obvious that she was going to die alone and unhappy.

So I decided to try something different. I made a copy of my person and her 3 cats and then I moved her in with a total stranger, a nice, easy to please stranger with money. They hardly spoke and never became friends but now my person had someone to take care of her animals while she went on vacation - and off to the islands she went. Once there, she wanted to learn some of the local customs - so she said hello to one of the locals and they just hit it off. I had never seen my sim person so animated and interested in talking to anyone ever.

When she got home from vacation, their friendship continued, and somehow she accumulated some good karma and the magic lamp showed up on her doorstep. I have no idea how that happened. I suspect it might have something to do with the offering at the ancient temple... I dunno... but whatever it was, she is now in love and permanently happy.

Ok... yeah I know, life is not a sim game... but I'm just saying... all it takes is enough money for a cool vacation.. an offering at an ancient temple... and who knows...

More cool tips on life can be found at my new website: Hey It's Me

Playing at Life

When I was a little girl, I used to fantasize that I had a box under my bed, and in that box was a tiny world of people. Miniature living people with hopes and fears, families and lovers, dreams and ideas. To them, I was like a God - sometimes I was a benevolent and gracious God and other times... well... it's safe to say:

Don't piss the God off,

Stay out of sight and well hidden when she's having a bad day!

And so, when I discovered The Sims - it was like having a childhood dream come true. A tiny world of people "alive" in my computer ... how cool is that?

Probably I've talked about this before... and you're bored stiff.. and wishing I'd get to the point already. So, here's the thing. Whenever I play The Sims, I learn something important about life. For example:

1. Physical comfort is important.
2. If you aren't having enough fun, you won't want to do anything at all.
3. If you don't get enough sleep, you won't want to go to work. 

And probably you're thinking to yourself  "well duh" because you already knew that. But I was astounded by that realization - oh... when I'm tired I should sit down... and not only that, but I should sit down in a comfortable chair! I did know that all work and no play made Johnny a dull boy - what I hadn't realized was that all work and no play made Shirley a cranky bitch.

Other things (some of which I already knew) include the following:

1. If you want to make friends you have to talk to people.
2. It's impossible to get a good night's sleep if the TV is on in the bedroom.
3. Untrained pets can ruin your house in two seconds flat.
4. You rarely make good decisions when you are really tired and in a very bad mood.
5. Just because you hire someone to do something, it doesn't mean they will do a good job.
6. If you want to fix dinner, there has to be food to fix it with.
7. Don't jump into a swimming pool if there's no way to climb out of it when you're done swimming! 
8. If you don't know how to fix a garbage disposal - and you're not mechanically  minded - don't even try.
9. If something in your house is on fire - don't just stand around screaming "fire" "fire" - do something! Call the fire department and grab the fire extinguisher, and if neither thing is an option, then at least get out of the house!
10. Life is easier if you have a maid that comes every day and cleans up your mess.
11. Even loners can get lonely.

So there you have it... some tidbits of Sim Wisdom. Coming up next I'll be sharing the secret to peace of mind and lifelong happiness - which I discovered just last night!

Playing the Sims

The Sims! I love that game. As I mentioned on an earlier post, I learned about being human by playing this game. Before I got the Sims, I pretty much shoved myself through life, paying absolutely no attention at all to my personal needs. When I began playing the game, I made huge realizations about life and myself. Stuff I had never considered before.

If you aren't familiar with the Sims game, here's the basic scenario. You create people who walk and talk and interact with one another. They get jobs, fall in love, have children, grow old, and die. They get married, have nervous breakdowns, catch their kitchens on fire, and behave in startlingly realistic ways. I never played with dolls when I was growing up, but I had an ongoing fantasy about a box of miniature people who lived under my bed and to whom I was God. The Sims game fulfilled this childhood fantasy to a T.

So, the first family I created were an idealized version of what I thought people should be. I called them the Yogi's. They had a good marriage, got good jobs, made money, and pretty much had it made. Very boring.

The next person I created was "Gretna Green", I gave her my own personality quirks and interests and I built her a house that looked a lot like mine. Immediately we ran out of money. So, she got a job as a "phone psychic", and I waited and watched to see what would happen. So... the first day, she came home from work and began painting. She painted and painted all night long until she fell exhausted onto the floor. Pretty soon it was morning and time to go to work, which she flat out refused to do because she was "too depressed". I couldn't get that girl to go to work for nothing! She almost died - and I had to step in and sell most of her stuff in order to pull her out of the doldrums. The first thing to go was that easle! Eventually, she married well, became a doctor, had plenty of money, lived happily ever after, which was boring as hell, and I went on to create other people ad infinitum.

My son-in-law, James, created someone in his own image, built a huge house but couldn't buy any furniture or food because he spent all his money building the house. His person then refused to go and even get a job because he was "too depressed" and "too hungry". Ultimately, he downsized the house in order to buy food, and immediately his "persona" burned the food, which started a fire in the kitchen and burned the house down. My daughter and I about died laughing. It was so typical James.

Sims have very specific needs, they include: social, fun, comfort, sleep, food, hiegene, and money. I knew about the need for food and money. But the rest of it was new to me, well, OK, I did know that sleep was important. And I started to notice that when I was at work, and working ... during breaks my social score (and food) would rise significantly. But while on the phones, everything dropped. By the end of the day, unless I had a really good chair, I was bottoming out on everything except social and food. So I came home and got on the computer, that would push my creativity and fun scores up. Then I go to bed and get my comfort and energy levels fixed.

I found that I was noticing how I felt, and what I was needing in order to feel good. I found that I was more likely to respect my need for comfort and sleep. It changed my life in a profound way. I haven't played the game for about... I don't know 2 years or so, and I think I'm starting to miss it. Maybe there's something more about being "human" that I'm looking to learn.

So, what are your social needs? On a scale of 1 to 5, how well do they get met at home? at work? What about fun? comfort? sleep? What are your needs anyway? Freedom? Creativity? Money? Security? Adventure? Love? Companionship? Knowledge? What do you get from your day job (other than money)? How about at home? The internet? What feeds you? What feeds your soul? Do you make sure you get that soul food?