What the heck is that woman going to talk about next? And yeah, I know the page loads slow. So what? I've got widgets! And they're cool! And it's worth the wait! So take a chill pill!
I AM: The Voice of Divinity
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Many of you wonder which beliefs to follow,Many are torn this way and
that,not sure what to think. You do not need ancient tomes to know me,You
do not need...
About Power Animals
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Power animals are great advice givers, often representing our higher selves
that we haven't been paying attention to lately. In a meditative state you
...
Healing with the Fingertips
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Hygiene is the first subject to consider in healing with the tips of the
fingers. Hands that have been engaged in any work or that are stained with
any l...
Mindfulness Meditation
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Meditation is one path to self realization and tranquility. One of the most
important meditation techniques is the mindfulness meditation.
Mindfulness is ...
This Eye Mandala Begs For Color
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Here's a totally cool mandala I found at Shattered Butterfly Something like
this would be a lot of fun to color. Check out her Etsy store to see how it
loo...
Lives are snowflakes
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“Lives are snowflakes - forming patterns we have seen before, as like one
another as peas in a pod (and have you ever looked at peas in a pod? I
mean, real...
Making Cool Stuff at Cafe Press
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I have recently been enjoying making cool stuff at cafe press. This is
probably the simplest way I know to sell your art online. You probably
won't make a ...
Why
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Here's a question I've been mulling over for weeks.... why hang on to
something that has become a chore instead of a joy, a "should" instead of a
"could"? ...
I was going to write a bunch of stuff about this, but I think the movie clip needs no explanation, no introduction, and nothing more. I am curious, however, to know if this is true for others as well. If it's true for you too, it means I am not alone and neither are you.
So then I thought it might be a good idea to look inside and see if there is anything personal I'd like to say about things that annoy me to the point of "Gag Me With A Fork"
Everything I came up with was too stupid to write about...
I kept gagging and deleting..
So..
I guess at some point a person has to give up
So this is me giving up on the idea of a clever "gag me with a fork blog post"
and sharing a picture by someone else about someone else instead.
A while back I had this idea that I wanted to be a Jedi and live by the Jedi Code. Naturally, as soon as I posted it, the idea left my mind completely. Which, by the way, is what I do so dearly love about blogging. As soon as I write about something I can forget it entirely and act as if I have ACTUALLY DONE whatever it is I was writing about.
Then, when researching for the Project on Begging I found this! I figure if worse comes to worse, I can wrap up in a black hoodie and blanket, go out on the street and put up a sign that says: "Homeless Jedi Wannabe." Or better yet, I can blog it and then I'll never have to ACTUALLY DO anything at all!
I find something relevant to the actual news of the day, something dramatic and passionate. And I write a post about it... And then I don't post it until like... I hmmm... let me look here... 6 months later when it's no longer newsworthy, relevant, or even interesting! That's what I like!
Want to know what else I like?
The fact that I'm going to do that exact thing right now!
And here it is:
“In known history, nobody has had such capacity for altering the universe than the people of the United States of America. And nobody has gone about it in such an aggressive way.”
–Alan Watts
Here’s a heavily profane, NSFW bit of catharsis for ya.
Along with the video comes this lively bit of profanity in response.
Fuck BP
Fuck those limey fucks. Give us our fucking money!
~sivart222222
And this a response to the response:
it's the american dream, isn't it? no regulation. arn't most americans buying into this. why?
buying to unfuck the gulf? not really possible and why make, and sell t shirts.
the water footprint of cotton is horrendous, the working conditions of the field workers are horrendous, they get the incectiside along with the plants, then herbicides are used to make the leaves fall off.
the sweatshop conditions most t 's are made in are horendous.
all that to save the gulf and pollute something else?
~sabelmouse
Well guess what, you guys.
Nobody fucking cares!
Nobody!!
Oh, and here's a picture illustrating how to celebrate failure just in case you happen to be a successful failure and aren't quite sure how to enjoy it:
A while back I was talking about something, what was it... oh yeah... it was the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, and it occurred to me that since I really hate to "follow the rules" and have a deep seated belief that rules were made to be broken, maybe I should post rules for a not fun not cool life. I could then go out of my way to break those rules, and maybe my not fun not cool life could begin to be both fun and cool.
Later on, I decided to just write the rules and forget about breaking them... what's interesting, and also sad, is that these rules are a combination of my life and the lives of my two best friends... together, we three have perfectly awful lives in which there is no fun and we are not cool. At the same time - because we are so not fun and not cool, and because we do have each other - we become almost cool and sometimes we have fun! We can't even succeed at being uncool and not fun!! We're failing at being failures! How stupid is that?
Anyway, here are the rules. Abide by them if you choose -
Personal hygiene has to go. Remember that old saying, "Save water, shower with a friend" ? Not cool if you want to pursue a not fun not cool life. If you smell good, you might actually feel good and then people might actually want to be around you. So, take a shower every couple of weeks - you don't want to get so dirty it begins to be kind of cool. You just want to be dirty enough to smell creepy. And don't forget about your mouth! Dental hygiene is an absolute no-no! Bad breath and rotten teeth are not fun, not cool, and a great enhancement to a not fun not cool life. So, throw away that toothbrush right now.
Pets - have annoying ones. Pets can be cool and they can be fun, so in order to be sure that the pets you have are not fun and not cool here are some guidelines. If you have birds, be sure to have large unhappy birds that scream at the top of their lungs most of the time. It's also helpful if they are destructive and love to bite strangers and small children. If you have cats, either have intact male cats that piss on everything you own, or females that are constantly in heat and yowling. If you are unfortunate enough to have cats that are spayed and neutered, then have 5 or 6... maybe even 7 or 8... and don't let them go outside, and don't keep their litter boxes clean. As for dogs... hey... for an uncool not fun pet, nothing beats a dog that is constantly barking, biting, and pissing. It's even better if they are smelly, have long tangled dirty hair and allergies that make their eyes run constantly. Oh... and fleas... very not cool and definitely not fun.
Have a low paying, soul sucking, menial job that you hate. This is very important. It insures that every day you will have something distasteful to look forward to. It also ensures that you have just enough money to survive on, but not enough to have fun with. Plus, on your days off, you'll be too tired to do anything productive. Which brings me to the next rule:
If you're going to do something - don't do it right. Do not engage in productive activity. Spin your wheels all the time. This is the best way to ensure that your life is never fun. Be sure to have plenty of things to do, just don't do them well enough to get them done properly. This way, nothing will ever be accomplished, and your "to do" list will grow exponentially, as will the futility of any action you do rouse yourself to engage in.
In order to live a not fun not cool life, it's important to have friends. Friends who call you at all hours of the night to pour out their troubles, rant over the injustices in their lives, (it's even better if they are falling down drunk when they call). And, very important, friends who never - I repeat - never what to hear anything you have to say. Friends who hang out with each other, but never want to hang with you. Friends who come over only when they want something. And especially friends who borrow. I'm talking here about the kind of friends who borrow money and don't pay it back, borrow books and never return them, who borrow tools and immediately lose or break them... you know... if you're reading this, you probably already have some friends like this. So, hey, go out and get a few more!
Never ever clean your kitchen or your bathroom. There is nothing as not cool and not fun as rotting dishes in the sink and moldering garbage sitting around in bags and sacks, and a filthy tub (not that you're using it) and toilet. You can follow rule #4 (If you're going to do something, don't do it right) when it comes to cleaning the rest of the house. Want a clean house, but always do a piss poor job of actually cleaning it. You can then constantly badger yourself about how you need to get off your ass and do more cleaning. This will ensure that watching mindless television won't be nearly as much fun as it would be if you flat out didn't care what kind of a mess your house is in.
Don't do enough drugs, or drink enough alcohol, to actually feel good. If you are going to drink, drink just enough to puke all over the couch, but not enough to actually have fun or feel good. As for drugs, you can't afford the good drugs that will anesthetize you right out of uncoolness and right into a fake nirvana - so save your money for stuff like... I dunno... Twinkies and donuts.
If you have a car - have a crappy one. Nothing is more not cool and not fun than driving around in 103 degree weather in a car with no air conditioning, it's especially helpful if none of the windows will roll down. Alternatively, you could have a car with windows that won't roll up - this is especially not fun when it's raining, snowing, or really really cold. The car does need to work - most of the time - this way, when it does break down, it can be unexpected and annoyingly inconvenient.
Families can contribute quite a lot. Your family can be very helpful when it comes to living an uncool unfun life. Nobody can eat you alive in quite the same way as your parents, siblings, and children ... You can count on needs that remain unfulfilled, expectations that will never be met, disappointments, and small cruelties. It's especially helpful if other members of your family are determined to make sure you know that they are more successful, more cool, more fun, more productive, more civilized, more creative, have more money, more stuff, or are simply meaner, smarter, or are just flat out better than you. This will greatly enhance your feelings of personal failure.
Never do anything that's cool or fun. This is probably the most important rule of all. So important, it might even be useful to make a list of all the things you think might be cool and/or fun, and post it somewhere so that you can be sure to NEVER EVER do them. And if you are doing something, and it starts to feel cool or seem fun - stop immediately! Call your parents, loan money to a friend, hang out in your bathroom, go to work, sit in your piece of shit really hot (or cold car), or plunk yourself down in front of the TV and watch reruns of your least favorite show.
I found this today on Yahoo, and I thought it was interesting... and also annoying! Here is a man, a person with billions of dollars, a "success" in life, maybe he's even a good person... I don't know... But here he is giving the best advice he's ever received and it's totally useless to me in terms of money and success.
"The power of unconditional love. I mean, there is no power on earth like unconditional love. And I think that if you offered that to your child, I mean you’re 90 percent of the way home. There may be days when you don’t feel like it, it’s not uncritical love, that’s a different animal, but to know you can always come back, that is huge in life. That takes you a long, long way. And I would say that every parent out there that can extend that to their child at an early age, it’s going to make for a better human being." ~Warren Buffett
One of the things I can for sure say about my parents - despite all the shit they put me through, despite all the shit I put them through, I always knew they loved me. I always knew I could "come home" and be welcomed with open arms. Even if that meant there'd be a fair amount of "preaching" and "sermonizing" and criticism, even if it meant they'd never really "get" me... it was always there... their love for me.
And yet - I'm not rich. As a matter of fact, not only am I not rich, I'm not comfortable, well off, or even just OK. I'm scrambling all the time to make ends meet. Nor am I successful on any level from which I would measure success. I'm not at all happy or satisfied with my life, not at all. As a matter of fact, just yesterday I was contemplating how pleasurable it would be to just walk right out of it.
So how useful is it, really, to have received unconditional love from your parents? I don't know... it sounds good, it feels good, but how has it helped me? Am I a better human being? Better than what? Better than who? Of course on the other hand, without it, maybe I'd be living in a box under a bridge nursing my heroin habit - or maybe I'd be in prison - or long dead... But maybe not, maybe I would have pulled myself up by my own bootstraps and made a better "go" at it!
Just yesterday, my friend Michelle was telling me this story about a woman who was on, of all things, the Tyra Banks Show. As I remember it, the story goes as follows:
Her mother died when she was 10, her abusive stepfather put her in foster care where she was raped and abused, she ended up on the street, a prostitude at the age of 11, got hooked on drugs, a pretty terrible life. Worse than mine, that's for sure. And then one day, when she was in her 40's, something happened, I don't remember what, and she got her act together went school, studied law, and became a lawyer. Now, she's a "success" and I bet she has money! So... there you have it... I doubt if she ever had unconditional parental love, even once. And yet, if you measure her life against mine - she'd win hands down.
On the other hand, what if... and this is the other thing I was thinking about after I watched the video... what if... I made a conscious decision to meet everyone, every single person I see, with that attitude of unconditional love. What would happen to my life then? What if, despite the fact that I really really really dislike my neighbors - what if, I met them with an attitude of no barriers, and unconditional love. And what if I went to my job, that I don't enjoy at all, and instead of being all closed into my fatigue, resentment, boredom, and intense desire to run away screaming... what if instead of all that, I simply met each experience with an attitude of unconditional love. What if there was an openess and an acceptance of ... whoa nelly! I can't believe I'm going to actually say this... an unconditional loving of me - screwed up mess that I am...
Now that just might be pretty powerful! Question is, can I do it? Bigger question, will I even attempt it?
Ok, so now that I've talked it to death, here's the video:
Ok, so I found a really really long and complete list of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, and I'm wondering... who the heck writes this stuff? And maybe it would be good if I had a complete list of Twofeathers Rules of Being Cool and Having a Fun Life... then I could follow those rules and be cool and have a fun life... or probably and most likely I wouldn't follow the rules at all and my life would be as uncool as it is right now and I'd be having about as much fun as I'm having right now... so maybe what I really need is Twofeathers Rules of Not Being Cool and Having a Not Fun Life. Then, I could not follow those rules and my life would be cool and fun... what do you think? Would it work? Or would that be the one and only time in my life when I actually did follow the rules?
Also, buried in all those Ferengi rules is one that is actually pretty interesting and something I hadn't actually thought of before. It's rule #152: You can't free a fish from water. And I assume that means that you can't free a fish from water without killing it. So now I'm wondering what, (in my uncool not so much fun right now life,) is the water that I can't be freed from.
And it occurs to me that maybe the idea of coming out of the box, expanding horizons, stepping out of comfort zones, or jumping into the deep end of the pool, brings out this primal fear of being a "fish out of water" of finding out that what's on the other side of the fishbowl, (which up til now felt like a prison), is actually the annihilation of "OMG I can't breathe out here, where the hell is the water!"
So... suffering... I'm still on a rant about this.
In addition to thinking about work that I would do even if I had to suffer for it, and work that I flat out won't do even when I'm suffering, I also thought about ways I've suffered in the past and why the heck did I do that.
For example:
Twenty three years of a bad marriage. I knew it was a mistake the day I did it - but I didn't want to admit I was wrong about something. Of course, over the years, being married to a pompous asshole, I found I could be wrong, I could admit defeat, that I could "eat crow," and I could indeed admit to having made a mistake.
But by this time, my reasons for staying in the marriage had changed. It was now all about not having to get a "real job." I told myself it was because I wanted a stable home for the kids, that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but the truth was that I was afraid. I was afraid of a number of things, (being a "bad mother" for one, being "unloved" for another) and I was willing to endure a fair amount of suffering and even outright agony just to avoid facing those fears.
The day my marriage ended was the day I went out and found a job. The divorce didn't come for several more years, and there was a fair amount of agony and angst over it - but the truth is, I knew it was over the day I picked up the want ads and started making calls. So what happened?
It was obvious that I was a failure as a mother, clearly I was unloved, the things that I was afraid to face were now in my face - staring at me from the bathroom mirror, crawling into bed with me at night. I HAD to get a job so I could get away! All that suffering, all that endurance, it was all a waste. I was wrong. I was a failure. I was defeated. I was a bad mother. I was unloved. I was nothing, no one, and nowhere. It was the end of the line.
And so now in retrospect, I'm wondering what would have happened if I hadn't followed that road all the way to the bitter end. What if... and here's the mystery... what if on the day that we got married I had turned to Mike Janner and said:
"Hey look. I know this is going to sound really off the wall, but I've changed my mind. I'm not marriage material. I love you, and in this moment I'm committed to a relationship with you - but I want it to feel good all the way to the bone - and this doesn't feel good. I feel like I've just given away my power. I feel like I am now a prisoner in middle-class America. I feel as if my free spirit is about to be squished. Let's get this marriage annulled, and then let's just live together like a couple of 60's flower children - let's make our relationship work in a different way."
Wow... How different would my life have been had I the courage and the confidence to say that! I was thinking it... I do remember thinking those exact things as we drove off for our honeymoon.
What if I had believed in my self that strongly? What if I had been willing to suffer the consequences of laying it all out like that?
And what about right now? What choices could I be making? Where am I giving my power away? What am I afraid of losing? How am I not being true to me? If I stopped right now and said... hey, wait a minute... this isn't right... what would I be referring to?
It's a mystery! What about you? What's your mystery?
People must face that which they fear.Life is painful at times, and spiritually, we are meant to face the pains that life presents. In the Western world, however, we often misrepresent God's plan for us and expect life to be comfortable and free of trouble. We measure God's presence in our lives by our level of personal comfort; we believe God is here if our prayers are answered. But neither God nor Buddha nor any other spiritual leader or tradition guarantees or encourages a pain-free life. Spiritual teachings encourage us to grow past and through painful experiences, each of which is a spiritual lesson.
This is what Caroline Myss says. And I do believe that to be true. I believe it totally and completely all the way up until it comes time for me to actually face one of my own fears. That's when it all breaks down. I get scared, and I freak out, and I start praying and visualizing and calling my friends. I pull out all the stops, magic - shamanism - religion - family - you name it, and I'll use it. Anything and everything that I think just might deliver me from whatever it is that I'm scared of.
There's this old saying, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." I'd like to think that's how I live my life. I'd like to think that I actually have the courage to move through fear in a good way. I'd like to think that I have courage. Truth be told, I'm a coward. And since I really don't want to be a coward, and since I really do want to life a fearless life, I continually pull myself out of situations that seem "safe" and (therefore) boring and yet because I am actually a coward... I don't then put myself where I might actually get "hurt"... so I play around with the illusion of danger and the illusion of safety and it's all a big sham covering up the fact that I want to life a fearless life but I'm afraid to.
I found this... floating around in my inbox. It's an email I wrote almost 4 years ago. So much hasn't changed since then!
Hi. Well, I'm so discouraged. One step forward and then three steps back. Work is slow this week at Heavenly Pets. I'm wondering how I will ever get my debts paid. I can't make myself get my income taxes filed, or the grass mowed, I hope I can make myself apply for some jobs tomorrow. So far, all the jobs that I really want are taken before I even get an application filled out. Jobs I think I could get pretty easy go to other people Younger people no doubt. James gets jobs all the time. He applies And he gets hired. He has a job right now. So what's up with that? Do I have to be mentally disabled and a man in order to get a job? I have a job. And I like my job. Somebody told me once "Do what you love and the money will follow." So I'm doing what I love And the money is following who? And why am I complaining? I will probably have just enough to pay my house, car, utilities, and bank of america Just enough to pay them all one month late At least I'm consistant. I pay them And I'm always late. And it's not just paying the bills that I 'm late with either. I'm late sending out birthday cards And presents Mothers day cards and presents Fathers day cards and presents Speaking of cards, I have 2 people that want to pay me for Gospel Missionary Cards And I can't seem to get that taken care of either. So what's up with that? Money. The root of all evil. Did they really teach us that in church? I did some research. And it looks like I'll lose my land and mobile home if I do a bankruptcy. A lawyer would be a very good idea. And the thought of contacting one makes me too tired to even breathe. I have some boarding going on. But it isn't legal. I still need to paint and mow and clean the place up and then call the state of missouri and pay this years fee and last years fees and deal with a kennel inspection and it is never as bad as I think it will be And just thinking about it makes me too tired to evn breathe. My dad asks about it every time we talk. He sent me $300 to get it legal. I bought a lawn mower with some of the money The rest of it is in a cookie jar on top of my refrigerator Someone has bought the property next to mine they are building a house it's making me crazy I just want to scream and cry and rage and go on a shooting spree but I'm too tired to do anything that vigorous If I lose my privacy And my peace and quiet I'll be even more crazy than I already am I used to have friends that I talked to regularly but I don't call them And most of the time I have my phone turned off So even if they did call me It wouldn't be very interesting for them Since I haven't changed my phone message for weeks At least it seems like weeks I think I'm depressed There was this thought that I should go out and get some professional help Hypnosis Or something And then I started to feel pretty good And I started painting And I realized that I don't really need anyone to help me be OK And then I got tired And stopped feeling pretty good And stopped painting And started feeling pretty freaked out about money And now I'm too tired to even breathe The resistance in me is so big I think it might swallow me up Resistance to what? I don't know. Change. Pain. Discomfort (which is often worse than pain) Activity Life itself The inevitability of "stuff" and having to let go of it. I was going to go to a sweat on Sunday Thinking it might pull me out of this swamp of paralysis But it's Layla's birthday party day And I can't miss that. Sky would kill me! I'd be "Bad Grandmother of the Year" And then I keep having these recurring thoughts -- painful things will happen in my life I will get old I will get frail People I love will die My dogs will die Carpenter ants will eat my house I'll never amount to anything my whole life is mostly composed of big ideas that never amounted to anything I probably won't go to heaven I'll probably have to come back and do life on earth all over again because I screwed this up so bad So. I'd call but it's too late now. I went to bed once And I couldn't sleep. They had bull dozers going in the field next to mine. And I was thinking about the foxes and the coyotes and the owls and all the living things that are being displaced to go where? and then my recurring thoughts about change, and loss, and death came creeping into bed with me So I turned on some music but my ears betrayed me and strained to see if they could hear the heavy equipment tearing up the soil So I got up and went looking for a job online Found a few things that I hope I call about tomorrow. I love you both. Love Shirley
Depressing isn't it? And here's the worst part: I'm having exactly that same kind of day today! Bleah! It makes me want to chop off my head!
My sister and I are doing "The Work" every day. Today, we are "working" on this statement: I should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me. We are both artists, and I found the dialogue about this subject really interesting, so I'm sharing it here. I hope she doesn't mind.
Grace: I should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me. True. My art commissions come and I accept them with reluctance. Opportunities are everywhere for me and I skirt them, ditch them and avoid them. Even the work I do get is subtly sabotaged by certain thought processes about it - especially about its worth, value and monetary symbolism.
The last time I framed mementos for the Race for the Cure, I put a hex on them so I would never have to do them again. They were gorgeous and they haven't called me since! Some of the commissions I get that require me to use artistic licence are fraught with such a subtle fear of failure that I can't really be original, creative or even enjoy the work (because and especially because it isn't original or creative).
I feel like I don't maximize my artistic potential because I sabotage that potential from the get-go. I wonder how much more money and work would come to me if I took the jobs I do get with wonder, joy, enthusiasm, excitement and gratitude and speedy love...
Shirley: I have got to stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me because if I don't stop it, good things will stop coming to me. Why would the universe continually present me with opportunities if I am too stupid, too lazy, to inadequate, and/or too frightened to take advantage of it. How many times would YOU offer something to someone if EVERY SINGLE TIME they either turned it down flat out, or made a huge freaking mess out of it? My guess is that pretty soon, those opportunities would stop being offered at all.
As for opportunities as an artist, I make damn sure that those opportunities never even arise. Look at this blog for example. As you can see, other than a few half hearted stabs at selling stuff, I have done absolutely nothing all year long. And the year is almost over!
Would my art be selling like hotcakes if I put myself 100% on the line with it? Would my cafe press store, my etsy store, and my finer works page be well traveled and and well shopped if I put some of my energy into that direction? I don't know ... because I haven't done it. Those little online shops aren't successes and they aren't failures. They are dead in the water.
And I don't exercise my artistic potential, nor do I exercise my other potentials because I am too busy putting all my time and energy into projects and ideas that will NEVER turn into anything. And I am too busy putting all my energy and my drive into avoiding anything at all that might actually turn into a success. As a matter of fact... "Much Ado About Nothing" pretty much sums up how I spend the majority of my time.
If someone came to me tomorrow and said, "Shirley, I will give you $1000 if you will do a Middle of the Night art piece... you choose the content, you choose the subject... do it your way... and I will buy it." OMG, I would be paralyzed. I would lose my paper. I would lose my art supplies, suddenly I wouldn't have any time at all, nothing I put on that piece of paper would be good enough, I might not even be able to get out of bed in the morning. Would that picture ever get done? I don't even know. Maybe... Maybe not.
Grace: I should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me. Is that true? It feels true.
Shirley: Yes, I do think it's true that I should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me. It does feel true. Desperately true.
Grace: Can I absolutely know I should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me? No. I can't absolutely know anything.
Shirley: Can I absolutely know, beyond all doubt, that I should stop sabotaging every good things that come to me? Well... maybe not EVERY good thing. I don't have to be open and receptive to EVERY good thing. And actually, instead of sabotaging, I could simply say "No, not this time, thank you!" So, while I can say that yes, I should stop sabotaging the good that comes to me, I can also say that I do not have to take advantage of EVERY opportunity that comes my way. I do not have to play this elaborate, time consuming, energy depleting game of avoidance and sabotage - I could instead, be straightforward, and honest, and just say, "Thank you, I think I'll pass on this one. "
Grace: How do I react when I have the thought I should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me? Put upon, overwhelmed, as if I should try to tackle and digest everything that comes my way. I feel uncertainty in my decisions, I feel awkward in my choices, I feel confused and muddled and disgusted with myself. My self talk is very harsh and scolding, and I despair of ever being successful.
Shirley: How do I react when I have that thought that I should stop sabotaging the good things that come to me? I feel pressured, and squeezed. Like I'm on trial for some terrible crime, and the long arm of the law is about to pound me into submission and defeat. I feel like I want to lock my door, unplug my phone, and hide under the bed. I feel like a failure, like a bug or a worm waiting to get squished. Interestingly, it feels sort of like a death sentence... or at the very least a really long prison term in a very bad place.
Grace: Who would I be without the thought I should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me? Free to live and do what I do when the spirit comes my way. Free to enjoy what I'm doing when I do it. Trusting, safe, sure.
With the thought confused and muddled; without the thought free and sure. There is no stress free reason to hang on to the thought that I should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me.
Shirley: Who would I be without the thought that I should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes my way? I would feel so much more confidence. I would stand taller, have more self assurance. I can see myself walking out the door each new day feeling sure of myself and my place in the world, knowing I have value and worth.
With the thought I'm huddling under the bed, without it I'm heading out the door ready, willing, and able to tackle just about anything that comes my way.
Grace: The turn around: I should sabotage the good things that comes to me.
Well, if something good comes to me and I sabotage it, then it is reality. I can't argue with what is, so if I sabotaged something, then obviously I should have.
I may not know that the thing that I have labeled as "good" is really good. Maybe I should sabotage it for the well being of the planet or me or someone else or some other unknown.
Maybe by experiencing the frustration of self-sabotage I can be more compassionate to people who suffer from the same affliction - maybe if I didn't have to experience the pain of it I would be insufferable and pious.
Maybe the pain of self-sabotage brings me directly to this place where I want to know the truth and I am willing to go inside and inquire.
Another turn around? My thinking should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me. No kidding. Amen to that.
Four F's on a report card comes to me as the best possible thing and I sabotage it by thinking it is terrible.
A stray dog comes to me as the best possible addition to our family and I sabotage it by letting him linger under a tree for four days while I entertain thoughts like I don't want the hassle, the expense, the poop, the extra work...
The neighbors cut down a tree and I sabotage it by thinking that is the worst offense - for all I know the hastening of global warming could also hasten our collective enlightenment. We may never evolve without the end of the world looming over us! We may never fix our individual selves if we fail and fail and fail to fix our collective selves. We may be stuck in the material, outer reality if it doesn't start becoming scary and tragic. If we believe in an outer cause and it doesn't reward us with miserable failure, we could be stuck forever as missionaries and never turn into saints. We may need the destruction of our sacred religions to drive us into soul work.
I look forward to sabotaging the next good thing that comes my way. I will be very interested in inquiring about it. I may find another stressful thought behind there that wants to be met with love and understanding, like I might fail or I'm not good enough or I just don't want to do this but I feel like I have to... Who knows?
Shirley: My turn arounds are as follows...
Sabotage is no longer necessary because I can just say "No, not right now, thank you very much."
I do not have to say "yes" just because it's a good thing.
When I find it impossible to just say "No", it is perfectly acceptable, logical even, to use the fine art of sabotage. I might even find something interesting and valuable under that bed.
I am a master saboteur! Kudos to me!
As for that other turn around: My thinking should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to me. Hmmm... I disagree. My thinking can do whatever my thinking wants to do. I can look at life however I want to look at life. I am not willing to put rules and shoulds and fetters and snares on my thinking. I am a free thinker. Therefore, it's OK for my thinking to sabotage whatever it wants to sabotage. I know that as brilliant as my thinking is, those acts of sabotage will lead to wisdom and compassion. Because wisdom and compassion are the places that my mind always wants to go. That the same thinking that sabotages my good might even lead to a really brilliant piece of art. Why wouldn't it? I'm an artist. And that same thinking just might lead me straight into the hands of God - which is where I'm always headed anyway - no matter where I run, no matter where I try to hide. Which right now at this moment gives me an idea for a brilliant piece of art... and right after we do "the work" on procrastination, I just might get started on it!
Oh, and by the way, I did create a brilliant piece of art about this subject a couple of years ago. It's called "I Crucify Myself A Thousand Times."
I crucify myself a thousand times every day I keep thinking that I'll cut it out but I don't there is all this extra baggage and unfinished business and this nebulous thing about "being nice" even when I'm trying to be pointed and honest strings are attached I forgive them and then forget to forgive myself this is my crown of thorns my Crown Royal and this is where I stab myself in the back driving the point home just literally pounding it in is this really me or do I still have my blinders on shattering self images counting down the years time is running out burning the candle at both ends i'm trying to get a handle on it I want to be "good" I want to get all my shit into one small bag I want that last piece of the puzzle to slide easily into place and is that once in a blue moon pie in the sky happily ever after magical thinking did i make my bed and now i have to lie in it feels deeply rooted am I still a girl fragile easily shattered or just an old hag with a bunch of screws loose this is my slippery slope the not so soft place where I land the quick sand I thrash around in every day
Ask any yes or no question, and Auntie Moss be givin' you an answer. This old witch woman is wiser than you think. Go ahead, give it a go.
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