It's Been A Long Time

Wow! It's been a long time since I blogged about anything, and even longer since I blogged something that wasn't self serving, or found somewhere else, but was - instead - deeply personal and intimate. I've been too busy wallowing in the mire of self pity, self doubt, regret, angst and guilt. I totally hate getting older and older and still not feeling like I have actually lived up to even my mildest aspirations.

What I have been doing is hiding out, becoming more and more reclusive, avoiding the internet entirely, reducing my circle of friends to the few who dare to push their way in (meaning nobody), hanging tight with my family, doing the barest of minimums every day, and burying myself in the Sims 2. Creating elaborate neighborhoods and scenarios, and pretty much losing myself in the fantasy of a game where I can always get what I want, where lifetime happiness can always be achieved, and friends and family can be found and created with only a little bit of effort.

I was starting to feel as if I was dying a slow death of lethargy and immobility. Actually, it was more like I had already died inside and was just waiting for my circumstances and my body to catch up with me. The walking dead... that was/is me. Shambling through the shambles of a life I have allowed to fall down around me.

Sometimes, the numbness would give way to a sort of nameless anxiety, that "Oh God!" feeling of having forgotten something really really important. And sometimes I would have glimpses of ... I would almost feel something ... like grief, a desperate sorrow, a heart clenching longing for ... I don't know what. Home maybe? That comes closest to describing it... something sure to hold on to, fall into, belong to, be enfolded in... And that, of course, was very uncomfortable and immediately sedated with food, television, the Sims, whatever was immediately available.

So what happened? And why am I here, blogging it?

Well, it was interesting (at least to me), because everything I know about life I've learned from playing The Sims, and in the game it was becoming more and more apparent that in order to get along in life, in order to achieve lifetime happiness, it is extremely helpful to have people. And I started trying to figure out how to have people in my real life without actually having to go anywhere or do anything. Which is partly what social media is all about. You can have a bunch of "friends" and never have to interact with them at all. I know this is true because I have 520 facebook friends, and not including my family, I actually know less than 20 of them, and maybe only 1 or 2 of them have my actual phone number.

At the same time, I realized that much of my lethargy and angst is fueled by regret. All the things that I did that I wish I hadn't done, all the things I didn't do that I wish I had done, so much that I could'a - should'a - would'a ... if only... and I really didn't know what to do with all that. So because everything else I know about life I've learned from books, movies, and television, I thought I'd take a page from the Debra Morgan  book of coping with the un-cope-able, and do some time on the treadmill. Remember Deb from Dexter running and running on the treadmill, working it out that way? Well, running is beyond my capabilities at this point, but I figured I could at least do some walking. And I have to tell you... it turned into yet another form of self torture. I tried just walking slow, I tried walking fast, I tried walking and watching television, I tried rewarding myself for walking, I tried listening to music and walking - which worked best, by the way - and ultimately the music was what saved me. But not yet...

It occurred to me that maybe what I needed was religion, a spiritual experience that could be revisited, something that would give me absolution, and comfort, and a reason to get up every morning and carry on.... Something larger than my baggage, my bullshit, my perennial self doubt... So I talked to my angels, and I talked to my guides... all the while convinced that they were disappointed and disgusted by my failure to make something special and interesting with my life, and had left me long ago in search of someone better, someone more authentic and real.

I looked up churches in the yellow pages, I contemplated becoming a Catholic. "Forgive me father for I have sinned" sounded very appealing to me. Plus, there would be - you know - actual people there. But in the end, you have to believe in that stuff for it to work, and while I am a believer in some things, I am not a believer in the conventional sense, and mainstream religions with their rules and dogma do not appeal to me, I have never been a rule follower, or a believer in dogma. I am an asker of questions, a skeptic, a rebel, and a rule breaker... there's no church that I could find where I thought there was even the remotest chance of fitting in or finding what I was looking for.

Then, suddenly, surprisingly, my angels and guides came through for me and gave me... a church to go to, someone to listen to, something to cling to, and no - not comfort, not absolution, but something real that (right now anyway) resonates so deeply it has brought me out of my lethargy, and back to the world of maybe not the living, but certainly the not quite dead.

So what was it? This is the strangest life I've known... because when I asked for Church, when I asked for spiritual guidance, when I asked for something that would give me back my connection to life, I got The Doors and Jim Morrison. And I'm like... really? And yet from the moment I played that CD I have felt more alive, more understood, more real, more OK with the mess I have made with my life, than I have in years. So, of course (since I never do anything half way)  I got the movie, and every DVD I could get my hands on... all the CD's... the books...

And here I am online again, looking to connect with the larger world. Morrison's voice resonating in my head, unable to just sit and mindlessly play the Sims, thinking that maybe, just maybe it might be possible to break on through to the other side.

Magick Naked Body Art

I found an interesting article about Chaos Magick and Sigils (actually - the idea contained within the article is what's interesting - the article itself is a pretty dense read) and I think it has potential... potential, that is, if a person has the patience and persistance to actually read the whole thing - which I actually did. And the courage, energy, enthusiasm, and art supplies to actually do it. And, by potential, I also mean potential to be a fun, cool thing to do, as well as an interesting way to create art and chaos at the same time. As for the magick? I do not know... but hey, who cares if the magick would work or not? It would at least be cool and fun, don't you think?

So here's the premise behind the idea. But wait, before we start, I think it might be a good idea to give a definition of the word, "sigil." Along with a couple of pictures. So, here's that:

 

A sigil (or /ˈsɪgəl/; pl. sigilia or sigils) is a symbol created for a specific magical purpose. A sigil is usually made up of a complex combination of several specific symbols or geometric figures each with a specific meaning or intent.

The term sigil derives from the Latin sigillum meaning "seal," though it may also be related to the Hebrew סגולה (segulah meaning "word, action or item of spiritual effect"). A sigil may have an abstract, pictorial or semi-abstract form, and it may or may not be enclosed within a circle, square, or triangle,.

 

Ok... so now that's clear - it is, isn't it? On to the article, which will no doubt be about as clear as mud. So here's that:

 

MAGICK SIGILS - RITUAL AND ACTION:

One of the problems, perhaps the only problem, with the process of sigilisation as it has been developed over the last seventy years or so is the disassociation of the intention and the operation. The pioneers of sigils have always maintained that it was essential, once the sigil had been designed and reified (using whatever method), that the operator should at least forget having done the working for this purpose and, if at all possible, forget the sigil itself after it had been destroyed or consigned to the realms of magical (unaware) consciousness.

 

For this reason some sigilisors have adopted the scheme of making sigils and storing them with many other sigils, withdrawing particular ones at random and empowering them in ignorance of their intention. This has the required effect of separating the intended result from the working but also fragments the energies used. It is a useful experiment but little more.

 

There are two kinds of sigilisors - those who have been doing it for a while and those who are just starting to experiment. The first group tends to experience few difficulties excepting those of personal style and elegance of technique. The second group, largely through unsureness, suffers from more tangible difficulties and it was largely on their behalf that experiments with action sigils were undertaken.

 

The starting premise for this scheme of sigils is that the intellectual input usually involved in designing the sigil is entirely removed. This requires two magical operations rather than one. These two operations compartmentalize the creation of the sigil into the first ritual and the empowerment of it into the second thereby making it easier to empower the sigil without consciously restimulating memories of its intention and, since this method of creating the sigil produces an abstract rather than a symbol form it becomes far easier to enter the state of positive non-desiring and to work ‘without lust of result’.

 

It should be noted at this point that I have only experimented with this technique on a group basis and that I have done no solo working with it although, in theory at least. It should make little difference except insofar as the note on abandonment of individual identity is concerned. To keep a short story short I now resort to ritual rubric.

 

Ok... now for the good part!
This is the how-to:

The following must be done in advance:

• The operators carefully define the intention of the sigil.
• An incense is made and is used for this working only.
• Music is created and recorded and is to be used for this working only.
• A large blank canvas is attached firmly to the temple wall.
• Pigments appropriate to the work in hand are chosen and placed in open vessels near the canvas.
• Special attention should be made to lighting whether that be of the traditional type, in which case many candles or lamps should be used, or whether it be stroboscopes and other mind-bending gadgets of evil empire.
• Incense, music and lighting should be arranged so that, once lit or turned on, they need no further attention for the remainder of the rite.

The opening:
This is a rite within a rite put together by concensus of those concerned.
It’s functions are:

• To set the mood of the rite.
• To begin the rite.
• To forcefully remind the operators of the intention of the rite.
• To afford an opportunity for a strong sacrament to be shared.
• A period of silence in which each summons his/her allies, gods, demons or whatever.

The music starts. The operator who puts the tape together must bear in mind the kinds of activities that will take place over it (as follows) and must ensure that the tape is at least as long as the rite from this point onwards.

 

In order to bring a gnostic state upon themselves the participants begin to whirl. This is a technique in itself and must be practised several, or even many times before it is used ritually. It is best to start slowly and establish a rhythm, gradually building up speed until the arms rise by the force generated. This speed should be maintained while attention is focused on the object of the rite, eyes open. Experienced exponents might intone a mantra at the same time. The likely duration of this process is subject to four variables:-

1. The strength of the sacrament
2. The effect created by the lighting, incense and music.
3. The proclivities of the individual participants.
4. Chaos, but less than one hour would be a waste.

Whirling is a technique most often used to induce the ability to walk on hot coals. If you feel that you are ready to that you have achieved the desired state. (Prior to using whirling in ritual it is useful to set up a firewalk to demonstrate to oneself the effectiveness of this technique). The gnostic state has been entered when awareness of the body disappears and self is centred in or totally exterior to the body.

 

A difficulty with this kind of rite is in arranging the transition between one activity and another, especially when each individual must achieve the required mindstate in his/her own time. This means that the transition is graded and that for some time two activities are taking place concurrently.

 

"Each in turn as he was taken" stops whirling (not suddenly to avoid dizziness) and maintaining concentration on the object of the rite, approaches the canvass, smears Body with paint and transfers this to the canvass using any and all body parts except the hands and feet which leave too recognisable and symbolic an imprint.

As other participants join in this activity all ideas of individualness in terms of Body and Self are surrendered to the notion of one Body, one Self, one organism with intention. There should be no difference in the minds of the participants between my Body and your Body, this Self and that Self. It is all one Body no matter whose the hand that smears or the thigh that receives the paint. This submission, this temporary abandonment of individual identity has four advantages:

1. In the absence of the individual Self there is no internal dialogue.
2. In the absence of the individual Self attention can be easily concentrated.
3. Paradoxically, in the absence of individual Self exteriorisation is facilitated because one has abandoned the notion of Self owning a particular Body to which it must necessarily remain attached. Exterior to Body is the ideal condition in which to create magical effects.
4. In the absence of individual Self one automatically forgets that one is performing ritual and this leaves one free to operate in present time, no longer concerned about or constrained by the structure of the rite. This is an excellent bonus. It is what every practical ritualist seeks to achieve.

This part of the ritual should go on for as long as the participants can hold their concentration and until everyone is satisfied with the operation.

 

An ending, previously designed through consensus, is performed.
It’s functions are:

• To ensure that all participants are centred in their Bodies.
• To shut down concentration on the object of the rite.
• To bring the rite to an end.

The ritualists leave the temple, bathe and relax in one another’s company. The first rite is finished, an abstract sigil having been produced, and there should now be an interval of some days, if not a week or two, before the second rite.

 

There are many possible starting points for the ritual of empowerment and these depend mainly on the participants’ preferred methods of working. They may prefer, for example, to work with the sigil itself, although its physical size may be somewhat inconvenient in terms of practicality. They might use a large colour photograph or even a colour intensified video image. Whatever, the ritualists now resort to their favourite method of hurling the sigil into Chaos in order to activate it. The only restriction on them is not to give the purpose of the sigil any consideration and the temple should be furnished with this in mind.

 

Authors Details: Ray Sherwin