Monday, February 6, 2012

My Unitarian Jihad Name!!

Inspired by Jon Carroll's column in the Chronicle, and after reasoned and lengthy discussion, the committee reached a consensus that you should be called:


The Machine Gun of Mild Reason.


Secret To Immortality

If you are what you eat - and you want to live forever - then eat McDonalds hamburgers. They never decompose!


This video shows a true story about a guy who's been saving hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and Big Macs from McDonalds for over 18 years... and they look EXACTLY the same! Check it out - they haven’t decomposed in over two decades!

Visit Bionic Burger or The Best Day Ever for more information. And if you don't believe it, here's another video:


Sally Davies, a New York-based photographer took a fresh McDonald's Happy Meal On 10 April, 2010 to see if what she had read online about a school teacher with a 12-year-old McDonald's burger could possibly be true.

She's been photographing it regularly ever since. After 6 Months there was very little sign of decay.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

A Video History of the Ninja

The original videos I had embedded are no longer available on YouTube, so I found these two. Not sure how much alike they are, but two is better than one... I think?

 

How To Spot A Ninja

Ninjas are masters at the art of being invisible. Here's a perfect example:


Above is an artist's depiction of a fruit bowl. It was only when he looked at his finished painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.
If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love, unless you can bribe a ninja or beg him to be your slave) these are the places they're most commonly found. How do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns.
  • Behind you
  • In front of you
  • Near you
  • Around you...
... I am so sorry to do this to you, but this post has been moved to my new website, Hey It's Me, and can be found in its entirety here: How To Spot A Ninja

What is a Ninja?

Whoops, were you looking for a ninja?
If so, HE'S BEHIND YOU, YOU IDIO- ahh, damn.
Too late again.


Ninja (zool. cut-throatius ninjutsu-useis head-rippus-offis assassinus Japanensis) (pl. ninji) is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people, flying, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments....

... I am so sorry to do this to you, but this post has been moved to my new website, Hey It's Me, and can be found in its entirety here: What is a Ninja?

My New Favorite Movie


I absolutely adore this movie! The special effects are hilarious - it's clever - has a great plot twist - and while the movie absolutely refuses to take itself seriously, it does manage to have depth and layers of meaning.

Here's what Wikipedia says about it:

Norwegian Ninja is a 2010 Norwegian action comedy film, directed by Thomas Cappelen Malling. The film, based on a 2006 book, presents real-life espionage-convicted Arne Treholt as the leader of a ninja group saving Norway during the Cold War and stars Mads Ousdal as Treholt.

The film is loosely based on the story of Norwegian politician and diplomat Arne Treholt, who in 1985 was convicted of high treason and espionage on behalf of the Soviet Union and Iraq. In 2006, Thomas Cappelen Malling wrote the book Ninjateknikk II. Usynlighet i strid 1978 ("Ninja Technique II: Invisibility in combat 1978"). The book was presented as a military manual written by Treholt in 1978. It achieved a certain cult status, and was considered a success at 5,000 units sold.

In December 2008 it was announced that the Norwegian Film Institute would support a film made by Cappelen Malling with NOK 10.5 million, in spite of the fact that the author had no previous experience from the movie industry. The book forms the basis for the film, where an alternative universe-Treholt leads a group of ninjas set up by then - King Olav V to combat the Soviets. The original working title was Nytt norsk håp ("New Norwegian Hope"), and the total budget was NOK 19 million. The producers describe the story as taking place directly before Treholt's arrest in 1984, presenting "the true story of how Commander Arne Treholt and his Ninja Force saved Norway during the Cold War." Cappelen Malling himself describes the film as "alternative history", but only in the sense that all history is alternative. Treholt himself has allegedly given his consent to both the book and the movie.

The absurd premise of the film secured a great deal of media attention for it ahead of its release. Aftenposten, in January 2010, predicted it would be one of the most absurd works of Norwegian cinema. Verdens Gang quoted producer Eric Vogel, saying "Something like this has never been made in Norway before. Or in the world, as far as I know!" They also interviewed Mads Ousdal, who portrayed Treholt in the film, describing the role as very different from anything he had done previously. Comedian Trond Viggo Torgersen played the part of King Olav V.

Although the movie was not a big box-office success, it did receive some very good reviews. J.S. Marcus of Wall Street Journal: "Hilarious and menacing, absurd and insightful, and an accomplished work of genre film making that authoritatively upends the cold-war spy thriller."

Find it on Amazon: Norwegian Ninja

Monday, January 30, 2012

Hauling Ass


LOL
Pretty much sums up my day!

The Art Of Doing Nothing Productive


Actually, the name of this post should read "The Art Of Doing Nothing Productive While Seeming To Be Productive Especially When There Are A Bunch of Actual Productive Things You Could Be Doing But Don't Want To Do So You Found This Other Seemingly Productive Activity To Occupy Your Time."

Here's how it works (for me, anyway):

I usually start off with an ambitious plan to get a bunch of things accomplished. Today, for example, the plan was as follows:
  1. Go to the grocery store, and buy groceries - since I have no food in the house.
  2. Pay my 2010 property taxes and maybe even the 2011 tax bill too. Or is it the 2009 and 2010 tax bills... I can't remember... 2 years overdue? 3 years?
  3. Call Sprint and cancel my phone service - which I have just 1 day to do before I get charged for another month.
  4. Text or call everyone who needs to know my new phone number.
  5. Clean the litter boxes - ok that one needs to wait until after the visit to the store - if it ever happens.
  6. Do something with the 2 year old christmas tree I still haven't done anything with (and no it's not a fake christmas tree - it is, howver quite dead) .
  7. Work on Gypsy Magic, Cafe Press, Mandala Madness... or some other website or blog I'm way behind on. 
  8. Do the dishes and fix a nice meal with all those good groceries I theoretically just got.
So, here's what I did. I got up this morning, drank a couple of cups of coffee and then decided that it was absolutely imperative that I check my email. Now, my inbox usually has an average of 1,300 unread messages - sometimes more, sometimes less... but that's usually what it looks like. And what I do, on a normal day, is skim through it, looking for anything that seems important, interesting, or terrifying... and after I read those emails - which I might or might not reply to or do anything about - I'm totally done. And then it's on to facebook for more procrastination and bullshit.

Today, however, I told myself this story about how it would be proactive - and organized - and productive - to methodically go through all of it - discarding, sorting, answering, and freaking out (whichever was appropriate) . Three hours later... I am down to 764 unread emails and thinking of ways to avoid going to the store and doing all that other shit because now I "don't have time." Especially since it's almost noon and I have someplace I need to be at... let me see... 7:30 pm.

And now I'm having all this anxiety because I'm feeling like I'm up against the wall of "what I don't want to do that I have to do" and the more I have to do it, the less I want to... and I'm thinking that maybe my totem animal is a MULE! A stringy old balky one at that... maybe even one that bites!

So, here I am talking about pretty much nothing - as if it's actually something - when really it's just more "Doing Nothing Productive While Seeming To Be Productive Especially When There Are A Bunch of Actual Productive Things You Could Be Doing But Don't Want To Do So You Found This Other Seeminly Productive Activity To Occupy Your Time."

And of course, now, it's imperative that I do an exhaustive internet search for pictures of mules to illustrate this blog post because... well... that's just so important!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Finding Gollum

OMG! I must be a really successful ranger! I just found Gollum - and I didn't almost die, nor did I have to go hungry, or kill Orcs, or hang out in an ale house. Turns out he's alive and well, and right here, right now! Don't believe me? Here's a picture:


And... if it works... an audio clip too!

The Hunt For Gollum

Check this out! I just found a movie about Rangers. It's an award winning unofficial prequel to The Lord Of The Rings dramatising Aragorn and Gandalf's long search for Gollum directed by British filmmaker Chris Bouchard. Based faithfully on the appendices of the books this is a non-profit, serious homage to the writing of J.R.R Tolkien and the films of Peter Jackson. I watched the trailer - and it wasn't terrible.

So I went on a search and found the official Hunt For Gollum website, and discovered that I could not only WATCH it on YouTube, I could embed it here so you can see it too! How cool is that?. I figure that I need all the help I can get in finding and releasing my inner Ranger - so hey, I'm watching it now! How cool is that?


Ok... I watched it.

Not bad for an indie film with a really small budget and volunteer actors. I think my favorite thing about the movie was this comment I found on YouTube -

"So, when Gandalf told Frodo 'I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum' what he really meant was 'I sent another guy to look for him and he almost died'."

Finding My Inner Ranger


Well, day one of finding my inner Ranger has gone pretty well, I think. I have an idea that this could possibly be the one year when I actually succeed in my quest to "be" who I want to be. But I dunno... it's just the first day. I'm posting a clip from Lord of the Rings to give me some inspiration and some umph... especially when I just want to sit around and eat cookies...

And this post has been moved to my personal blog at shirleytwofeathers.com, and can be found in its entirety here: Finding My Inner Ranger

Saturday, December 31, 2011

It's Not My Fault

Every year - on the first day of the year - I watch the Lord of the Rings. I watch the whole thing, the extended edition, all the way through, start to finish. I totally immerse myself in Middle Earth, and I think about if The Lord of the Rings was real and true, and if I was an actual person in that real and true story - who would I be? who have I been? and most importantly who do I want to be?

I've blogged this before (Gandalf Changed My Life) - but last year I didn't talk about it at all. Which I find interesting. And because of that, I'm not entirely sure what my thoughts were - I do remember that I was pretty damn sure that I was a miserable failure at "being Aragorn." And since I'd failed time and again in my quest to personify the coolest character in the trilogy, I decided to try something totally different.

I decided that I'd give "being Frodo" a go. I had this idea that I would spend the year "taking the ring to Mordor." The ring being a metaphor for my sugar and crap food addiction. The idea being that how could I ever hope to achieve Aragorn if I couldn't even defeat the craving for a cookie.

And this post has been moved to my personal blog at shirleytwofeathers.com - I think it's definitely worth reading all the way through, and if you're interested, you can find it here:  It's Not My Fault


My Ecology Rant for the New Year

So, I've been watching Public Television recently... and I saw this show about the glaciers in Greenland, and how they are melting faster than anyone thought possible. It was really interesting and I started to feel really bad about the ways I contribute personally to global warming. The biggest thing being the burn pile... which is where all my trash goes. (The why's and wherefore's of that is a whole other story).

Then, on the heels of that show there was another one about Antarctica and what would happen if all that ice melted... talk about gloom and doom...

I probably could have started to get really depressed and scared about the whole thing, but there was this wonderfully wicked part of me that was thinking how cool it would be if suddenly the polar ice caps did melt and the world was totally reshaped. It would be so exciting and dramatic - like a disaster movie - only for real!

I don't know if other people have that small core of wickedness.. but it's the same thing that compells me to want to drop everything and watch whenever a plane flies overhead... and then be mildly disappointed when it didn't drop out of the sky in flames... My dad would probably say it's the Devil in me, and I don't know, maybe he's right... nevertheless, whatever it is, I have it. And let's face it - I'm probably not a "good person."

Anyway - then I watched a movie called "Bag It." It was a documentary about plastic bags, plastic, and our ridiculous notion that we should make a gagillion disposable bags, wrappers, and containers out of a non renewable substance that will last virtually forever in the environment... Here's a trailer for the movie:



So I watched it, and then I did get depressed - and angry too. Seeing whales beached and dead because their stomachs were full of plastic bags... birds feeding plastic to their babies because it was floating in the ocean and looked like food... And then there's this whole thing about great swirling "isalnds" of trash in the ocean - take a look at this really interesting and cool graphic Through The Gyre after you watch this video:


The wicked part of me was not at all titillated... and I was starting to think that maybe I should do something about it... actually, the wicked angry part of me wanted to walk into the boardrooms of those giant corporations who care more about money than they do about nature and blow their brains all over the boardroom floor...

But... I don't have a gun... and well... I'd have to get dressed and get into my car... and figure out where those boardrooms are... find my way into them...get past security... and then there would be the screaming.. and the blood... probably a lot more cool in a movie than in person... not to mention the life in prison ordeal and having to eat crappy prison food... deal with other inmates... mean bitches way more wicked than me... the whole thing just seemed... well... like way too much work... Plus there's this other thing annoyingly true thing:  if we - the consumers - weren't buying what they were selling - that would be the end of it! Interesting how easy it is to blame the faceless "others" when it's really myself who holds at least some responsibility.

And then I hit on the ideal solution! Global warming! I just need to help Antarctica melt in a hurry - and ta da! Problem solved.

The planet could get really warm - people could die off in huge numbers - those that remain would learn a really good lesson about ecology and fossil fuels - all those gagillion bits of plastic would eventually be assimilated somehow -  and yes - I'm sorry about the polar bears and the penguins - but let's face it - some things have to be sacrificed for the greater good!

So... here's my plan. No more plastic bags from the store - and no more plastic bottles of water. At least - not if I can help it. And whatever plastic I end up with... well... hey! I'm going to burn it in my burn pile and pray for the Arctic ice to melt in a hurry... it'll be my sacrifice - my prayer - my ritual to the God of Global Warming. And if nothing else, I can have the comfort of knowing that none MY plastic bags will end up here:

Thursday, December 29, 2011

45 Tips for A Good Life

Here's something kind of mushy and sentimental - but still, it's nice. The piece was written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

  1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
  2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
  3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
  4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
  5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
  6. You don't have to win every argument... Agree to disagree.
  7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone..
  8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
  9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
  10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
  11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
  12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
  13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
  15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
  16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
  17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
  18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
  19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
  20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
  21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
  22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
  23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
  24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
  25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
  26. Always choose life.
  27. Forgive everyone everything.
  28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
  29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
  30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
  32. Believe in miracles.
  33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
  34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
  35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
  36. Your children get only one childhood.
  37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
  38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
  39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
  40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  41. The best is yet to come.
  42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
  43. Yield.
  44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Where have I been?

It's been a while since I've blogged here at ShirleyTwofeathers - or anywhere else for that matter. And no - I didn't drop off the face of the earth - I'm never that lucky - but what I did fall into was a pandora's box called Cafe Press. 


My daughter and I have been busy making a little store filled with all kinds of cool stuff made from my mandala art. Naturally, I can't do just a few things and be happy with that. No. I had to make a gagillion different designs. Of course we got excited and made a bunch of stuff with those designs, only to realize that we'd jumped the gun and needed to get organized first, and then I totally over thought how to organize the shop (imagine that - me over thinking something), and finally, after redoing it 3 times - we now have a cute little store with about 1% of our stuff uploaded and saleable.

We called it "Cool Mandala Art" so go check it out. I did all my christmas shopping at our store - and they were all really cool. My favorite thing is the tile boxes, but the mugs were a big hit too...

Don't want to go visit the store? Ok... that's fine... I'll show you my designs anyway. Here's sampling of what's at the store as of today:

flower peace attraction
meditation butterfly
big heart balance
wake up happy
starburst retro divine
OMG!
summer star power
smooth mandala

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Secret To Lifelong Happiness

I have discovered the secret to lifelong happiness and peace of mind!! How cool is that? Are you curious to know what it is? It's quite simple, actually, here's the step by step tutorial:
  1. Move in with a nice, easy to please person who already has a lot of money.
  2. Use their money and go on an extended vacation to a tropical island paradise.
  3. While you are there, say hello to one of the locals, and next thing you know the two of you will be hanging out together and on the way to becoming very good friends.
  4. Make an offering at an ancient temple.
  5. Accumulate good karma by being nice to people.
  6. When you get home from vacation invite your new friend to come for a visit. The two of you will hit it off and in no time at all you'll be in love and making plans for marriage.
  7. Because of your good karma, a mysterious person will leave a magic lamp on your doorstep in the middle of the night.
  8. When you find the lamp, keep it safe until you are in a really good mood, and then rub the lamp.
  9. A genie will appear and give you three wishes. Isn't that nifty?
  10. Wish for peace of mind. (Save the other two wishes for later).
  11. You will then be in a permanent state of grace - and lifelong happiness will be yours for the taking.
  12. Now, marry your friend from the islands, and when that person is in a really good mood, give them the lamp so they can wish for their own peace of mind... and the two of you will live happily ever after!
I know this to be true because I played the Sims all day yesterday and that's exactly what happened! Here's the back story:

I've been having this urge to play the Sims - which usually means there's an important lesson about life that I can learn from it. So I powered up my game and created a person just like me. And of course, right away I realized that she was going to be a real pain in the ass because I couldn't get her to make friends with anyone. She flat out wasn't interested in talking to people at all... and spent all of her time making sure her 3 cats didn't destroy her house. She didn't have any money, and she couldn't find a job she liked. It was sounding way too familiar!

So, I decided I'd populate my neighborhood with copies of me and see if I'd even like myself if I happened to meet myself on the street. I love social experiments like this... Anyway... she'd never talk to herself when she walked by - and if I made her stop and chat - she'd spend like... I dunno... 2 seconds saying "hi" and then she was out of there.

It was obvious that she was going to die alone and unhappy.

So I decided to try something different. I made a copy of my person and her 3 cats and then I moved her in with a total stranger, a nice, easy to please stranger with money. They hardly spoke and never became friends but now my person had someone to take care of her animals while she went on vacation - and off to the islands she went. Once there, she wanted to learn some of the local customs - so she said hello to one of the locals and they just hit it off. I had never seen my sim person so animated and interested in talking to anyone ever.

When she got home from vacation, their friendship continued, and somehow she accumulated some good karma and the magic lamp showed up on her doorstep. I have no idea how that happened. I suspect it might have something to do with the offering at the ancient temple... I dunno... but whatever it was, she is now in love and permanently happy.

Ok... yeah I know, life is not a sim game... but I'm just saying... all it takes is enough money for a cool vacation.. an offering at an ancient temple... and who knows...

More cool tips on life can be found at my new website: Hey It's Me

Playing at Life

When I was a little girl, I used to fantasize that I had a box under my bed, and in that box was a tiny world of people. Miniature living people with hopes and fears, families and lovers, dreams and ideas. To them, I was like a God - sometimes I was a benevolent and gracious God and other times... well... it's safe to say:

Don't piss the God off,
Stay out of sight and well hidden when she's having a bad day!

And so, when I discovered The Sims - it was like having a childhood dream come true. A tiny world of people "alive" in my computer ... how cool is that?



Probably I've talked about this before... and you're bored stiff.. and wishing I'd get to the point already. So, here's the thing. Whenever I play The Sims, I learn something important about life. For example:

  1. Physical comfort is important.
  2. If you aren't having enough fun, you won't want to do anything at all.
  3. If you don't get enough sleep, you won't want to go to work. 
And probably you're thinking to yourself  "well duh" because you already knew that. But I was astounded by that realization - oh... when I'm tired I should sit down... and not only that, but I should sit down in a comfortable chair! I did know that all work and no play made Johnny a dull boy - what I hadn't realized was that all work and no play made Shirley a cranky bitch.

Other things (some of which I already knew) include the following:
  1. If you want to make friends you have to talk to people.
  2. It's impossible to get a good night's sleep if the TV is on in the bedroom.
  3. Untrained pets can ruin your house in two seconds flat.
  4. You rarely make good decisions when you are really tired and in a very bad mood.
  5. Just because you hire someone to do something, it doesn't mean they will do a good job.
  6. If you want to fix dinner, there has to be food to fix it with.
  7. Don't jump into a swimming pool if there's no way to climb out of it when you're done swimming! 
  8. If you don't know how to fix a garbage disposal - and you're not mechanically  minded - don't even try.
  9. If something in your house is on fire - don't just stand around screaming "fire" "fire" - do something! Call the fire department and grab the fire extinguisher, and if neither thing is an option, then at least get out of the house!
  10. Life is easier if you have a maid that comes every day and cleans up your mess.
  11. Even loners can get lonely.
So there you have it... some tidbits of Sim Wisdom. Coming up next I'll be sharing the secret to peace of mind and lifelong happiness - which I discovered just last night!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Happy Birthday!

“When 900 years old, you reach…
Look as good, you will not.”

~Yoda

Monday, September 5, 2011

It's Still Here!

Yowsers! I haven't posted here since March!! Probably because I've been so busy posting a gazillion posts a day over on Gypsy Magic in between bouts of working my fingers to the bone at the Hell Mouth and sitting like a brain fried zombie in front of the TV.

So what's been happening while I've been away? Well, while I wasn't paying attention, someone was very busily hijacking my blogs. And since I have like... I dunno... 27 of them which is a ridiculous number... I didn't even notice until just now!

Which sent me on a rather annoying journey of clicking on a blog link - finding out it's redirecting to hotlinkfiles.com - having a short but foul mouthed shit fit - replacing the cool template that I really liked a lot or it wouldn't have been there in the first place - with a makeshift hastily found template that I really don't like but I'm in a hurry and it's the only way to get my blog back - and then fiddling with it until I realize I'm too pissy to make anything nice out of it - deleting the spam comments just in case they somehow had something to do with it - some sneaky malware code embedded in the totally off topic comment - and then on to the next one...

Happily - this blog is still A-OK. And I'm glad I visited because I had forgotten how much I like this little nook I made in that tangled web I wove... So... Hello and goodby. I hope I'll be back soon with something cool and surprising.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Snakes Like Rats!

OK... so I tell the world I have rat blood and what shows up in my house almost immediately? A snake!! And of course I have no idea what kind of snake it is... and I did take a picture.. actually several, the one on the right is the only one that came out.

It's kind of freaky to have a snake in your house - especially when he right away hides under the furniture, and you don't know what kind of a snake he even is because you didn't get a close enough look what with all the screaming... ok... I didn't actually scream... but I wasn't exactly calm either.

So, I left him in his little hiding place, called my son-in-law to come help me, and while I was waiting for him, I went on a web search for how to catch a snake in your house.

I found a tutorial on how to catch a snake, I called my son-in-law up and made him come over and help me find it. He wasn't hard to find, and catching him was amazingly simple - I'll post that tutorial here in a minute.

At first we thought he kind of looked like a baby copperhead. His little head did look triagular - and his markings (although you can't see them in the picture) did seem to go crossways, he was kind of a coppery color, and what with the pond so close to the house ... (I hadn't read the part about the brightly colored tails yet). But I couldn't bring myself to kill him, he was so cute! So we just let him loose in the field.

Then I started to worry that I might have saved a baby copperhead - and how smart was that really what with my granddaughter and my cats... so I looked up Poisonous Snakes in Missouri. Here's what I found:

According to the University of Missouri Extension Center, it's easy to figure out which snakes are poinsonous. Here's what they say on their website:

All of Missouri's poisonous snakes are members of the pit viper family, and you easily can distinguish them from harmless snakes. Three ways exist to distinguish poisonous snakes in Missouri:

Identifying a poisonous snake by its pupils.

Harmless snakes have round pupils (the black part in the center of the eye). Poisonous snakes have egg-shaped or cat-like (elliptical) pupils. In good light, you easily can see the pupil shape from a safe distance because snakes cannot jump, nor can they strike, from more than one-third of their body length.

Poisonous snakes in Missouri also have a conspicuous sensory area or pit (hence the name "pit viper") on each side of the head. The pit looks somewhat like a nostril and helps the snake locate warm-bodied food. It is located about midway between and slightly below the eye and nostril. Harmless snakes do not have pits.

Identifying a poisonous snake by its tail.

The underside scales of a poisonous snake's tail go all the way across in a single row from the anal plate. The tip of the tail may have two scale rows. Nonpoisonous snakes have two rows of scales from the vent to the end of the tail. This characteristic also can be seen on skins that may have been shed.

Other features may help you identify a poisonous snake at a distance:

Usually, poisonous snakes have a triangular (wide at the back and attached to a narrow neck) or "spade-shaped" head. Be aware that many other harmless snakes flatten their heads when threatened and may appear poisonous.

Usually, rattlesnakes sound a warning rattle (a buzz or a dry, whirring sound) when approached. However, many nonpoisonous snakes (black racers, corn snakes, rat snakes, milk snakes and pine snakes) and several poisonous snakes (copperhead and cottonmouth) often vibrate their tails when threatened. The sound produced by this vibration often imitates a rattle or hissing sound when the snake is sitting in dry grass or leaves.

Snakes with lengthwise-striped markings are nonpoisonous. Most solid-colored snakes also are nonpoisonous, except the adult western cottonmouth, which has dark crossbands that often are indistinct. If a snake is marked in any other way, use other characteristics for identification.

You easily can recognize young cottonmouths and copperheads by their bright yellow or greenish yellow tails.

Whew! Now that's a sigh of relief -

As you can see though, his pupils are round, he was probably just flaring his head trying to look scary. and his tail was the same color as the rest of him... so... probably it was just a little garter snake...

Oh and by the way!

Here's something else I found out. Snakes in Missouri are protected by state law. The Wildlife Code of Missouri treats snakes, lizards and most turtles as nongame. This means there is no open season on these animals, and it is technically illegal to kill them. Of course, realistic exceptions exist, such as when a poisonous snake comes in close contact with humans, which could result in someone getting bitten. You should get a collecting permit from the Missouri Department of Conservation before attempting to catch and keep a snake.

How'd we catch it? We found his little hiding place and threw a towel over him and then picked him up.


Here's a tutorial with some other ideas.

Occasionally, homeowners find a snake inside the home, usually in a basement or crawl space. Snakes are attracted to these areas by the warmth on cold days and the shade on hot days. They may enter through a hole around the foundation or an open or loose door or basement window. If this occurs, you need to get the snakes out, then seal the holes.

You increase your chances of capturing a snake in the house by placing in areas where snakes have been seen some rumpled, damp cloths covered by dry cloths. Snakes are attracted to these areas. You then can remove the whole works, snake and cloths, or capture the snake individually. A good way to remove a snake is to sweep it with a broom into a large bucket.

Here he is.
Isn't he cute?

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