Thursday, March 25, 2010

Rules for Cats

When it comes to living the good life, I personally think that cats really do have it figured out. So, if you have a cat, here are the rules - and if you want to live as if you were a cat, this might give you some ideas on how to accomplish it:

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Chairs and Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything . . . just sit and stare.

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

  • When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

  • For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

  • For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

  • For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to be startled.

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though, to maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I meant to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

Cat Games:

  • Catch Mouse:
    The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

  • King of the Hill:
    This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

    Warning: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.

  • Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

  • Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss (& Q-tips) also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.

  • When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.

Paper Bags:
Within paper bags dwell the bag mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for bag mice is fair game for a sneak attack, which will usually result in a great Tagmatch.

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

  • When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

  • Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

  • Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent. Your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

  • Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the "direct stare", and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

Scratching Posts:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is not recommended.

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

source: received via email

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Quarantined and Really Funny

Ok, so this is just hilarious!

You know, if I was in quarantine, I'd be spending my time whining and complaining about how uncool and not fun my life was, and how much it sucked to be me... And here's this guy! Making this too funny video! He inspires me, actually... to what? I dunno, but inspired I am, nonetheless.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I love this quote!

Theoden: A great host, you say?
Aragorn: All Isengard is emptied.
Theoden: How many?
Aragorn: Ten thousand strong at least.
Theoden: [astonished] Ten thousand?
Aragorn: It is an army bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of men. They will be here by nightfall.
Theoden: Let them come.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Going Mad!

Maybe that's what hell is.
You go mad, and all your demons come and get you just as fast as you can think them up.”

~Anne Rice

Nightmare by ~kalessaradan on deviantART

Timbo's demons by ~albreech on deviantART

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Darth Vader attack

For those of you who think I take Lord of the Rings and Buffy the Vampire Slayer way too seriously, here's a heads up. I'm not nearly as nutty as some people out there. Take a look at this! It's way too funny, and it really happened!

HOLYHEAD, Wales(AP) A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones _ aka Master Jonba Hehol _ with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.

He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones _ known as Master Mormi Hehol _ bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said.

The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films.

The group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses "insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life."

"We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously."

Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle.

"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached.

Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon (10-liter) box of wine beforehand.

"He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones.

District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims and $117 in court costs.

Date: Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 8:14 AM

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Mother Knows Best!

How do you say it?

Just in case you were wondering, here is a cool list of how to say "beer" in a bunch of different languages. This way, if you're out and about, drinking maybe, and nobody seems to understand you, you'll have a number of different languages to fall back on. Cool, huh?

  • Afrikaans: Bier
  • Czech: Pivo
  • Dutch: Bier
  • Finnish: Olut
  • Filipino: Bir
  • French: Bière
  • Gaelic: Leann
  • German: Bier
  • Greek: Bere
  • Hawaiian: Bia
  • Hungarian: Sor
  • Indonesian: Bir
  • Irish: Beoir
  • Italian: Birra
  • Japanese: Biiru
  • Polish: Piwo
  • Portugese: Cerveja
  • Spanish: Cervesa
  • Swahili: Pombe
  • Swedish: Ol
  • Yiddish: Bir

I like the Swahili one: Pombe! Gimme a Pombe! Ya!

More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Beer

Beer, as all alcoholic drinks, is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on the yeast cells, then defecating. This bacterial excrement is called alcohol.

Attila the Hun was suspected of suffocating from a bloody nose after passing out from alcohol at his 'bachelor party'.

It is always helpful to have a law that clearly defines when a person is legally intoxicated. In Kentucky, anyone who has been drinking is considered sober until he or she cannot hold onto the ground.

The term 'toddlers' originated in England. There were impurities in the drinking water that disallowed the water to be used for drinking. A common alternative drink was beer (it was cheep, plentiful and the water used to make it was treated during the initial boiling during brewing). Toddlers, just weaning off of mothers milk were unaccustomed to the effects of beer. This coupled with the fact that they were just learning how to walk really made them toddle.

As we all know, that very first Thanksgiving took place at Plymouth Rock. But the pilgrims were actually planning to make their landing in Virginia. So what took them off course to their final destination? A storm? An accident? Nope! They ran out of beer! It is actually written in one of the pilgrim’s diaries that their food supply was decreasing “especially our beere."

About 4000 years ago, it was the accepted practice in Babylonia that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calender was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know to day as the "Honey moon"

Before invention of the thermometer, brewers used to check the temperature by dipping their thumb, to find whether appropriate for adding Yeast. Too hot, the yeast would die. This is where we get the phrase " The Rule of the Thumb"

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender used to yell at themto mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. From where we get "mind your own P's and Q's".

After consuming a vibrant brew called Aul or Ale, the Vikings would go fearlessly to the battlefield, without their armour, or even their shirts. The "Berserk" means "bear shirt" in norse, and eventually to the meaning of wild battles.

Way down in 1740, the Admiral Veron of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum, which naturally, the sailors weren't pleased with. They nicknamed the Admiral Old Grog, after the still stiff grogram coats he used to wear. The term grog soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you are drunk on this this grog, you are "groggy", a word still in use.

Long ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim of their beer mugs or ceremic/glass cups. The whistle was used to order services. Thus we get the phrase, "wet your whistle".

Monks brewing beer in the Middle Ages were allowed to drink five quarts of beer a day.

Pails of beer were given to the people who worked in factories, to help fight the “growl” of hunger in their bellies.

Michelob was invented during a brewer’s strike in the 1930s from a recipe tossed together by the untrained workers left behind to run the brewery. It was so bad local taverns tossed their delivered barrels in the gutter until the streets ran with beer. When the strike was over, the brewery didn’t want to lose all that beer, no matter how bad, so they repackaged it and sold it as Michelob.

The most costly beer in the world, at about $52 a bottle and is called “Tutankhamen.” This limited edition beer and is even numbered. The beer is brewed with a recipe that was discovered by archaeologists in Queen Nefertiti’s Temple!

Other not so fun but possibly interesting trivia:

The first consumer protection law ever written was enacted over beer by Duke Wilhelm IV of Bavaria in 1516. It was a purity law limiting the ingredients of beer to barley, hops and water.

Tegestology is what collecting beer mats is called.

The worlds strongest beer is 'Samuel Adams' Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.

Beer is the second most popular beverage in the world, coming in behind tea.

Pabst Beer is now called Pabst Blue Ribbon beer because it was the first beer to win a blue ribbon at the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893.

To get rid of the foam at the top of beer (the head), stick your fingers in it.

Bavaria still defines beer as a staple food.

To keep your beer glass or mug from sticking to your bar napkin, sprinkle a little salt on the napkin before you set your glass down.

The oldest known written recipe is for beer.

Anheuser-Busch is the largest brewery in the US.

The longest bar in the world is the 684 foot long New Bulldog in Rock Island, IL.

The powers that be at Guinness say that a pint of beer is lifted about ten times, and each time about 0.56 ml is lost in a beer drinker’s facial hair. That’s a lot of wasted beer!

As of 2001, 62% of Americans reported using a designated driver at least once.

Molson, Inc. is the oldest brewery in North America.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) was elected in 1932 because of his promise to end Prohibition.

The first United States Marine Recruiting Station was in a bar.

The first brewery in America was built in Hoboken, NJ in 1642.

In 1935 the canned beer industry was revolutionized by a vinyl plastic liner developed for cans made out of tin.

The movie The Shawshank Redemption got their period beer containers wrong. The prisoners on the roof drank beer out of bottles in the 1930s, beer wasn't canned until many years later.

Tossing salted peanuts in a glass of beer makes the peanuts dance.

In Japan, beer is sold in vending machines, by street vendors and in the train stations.

Bourbon is the official alcohol of the United States, by an act of Congress. Many people have attempted to have that overturned in favor of beer instead throughout the years.

Many actors started out as bartenders: Sandra Bullock, Bruce Willis, Tom Arnold, Chevy Chase, Kris Kristofferson and Bill Cosby are a few of these.

American beer is made mostly by rice, unlike the beers of other countries. This was invented to give American beer a lighter taste and tap into the market of women buyers.

Beer is a source of B- complex vitamins.

Cenosillicaphobia is listed as the “fear of an empty glass.”

If you collect beer bottles you are a labeorphilist.

Have you ever noticed that once in a while, the rim of a beer glass has a white line around it? That line actually has a name, the Plimsoll Line. It was named after Samuel Plimsoll, the man who was known for creating a method to mark the depth of ship hulls. It is actually law in England that the bartender must fill your beer/ale up to that line with the head of the beer rising above it. So the next time you get a glass with the white line, tell them to “Fill ’er up to the Plimsoll!”

The portable beer cooler was invented in Australia in the 1950s.

In the mid 70's, Australians were the 3rd biggest beer drinker in the world. (behind Germany and Belgium). In the late 90's, they didn't even get into the top ten!

Reno, Nevada has the highest rate of alcoholism in the U.S., Provo, Utah, the lowest. Now there's a big surprise all round!

The ‘33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.

And last but not least:

The best beer in the world is the one in my hand.

I love this stuff!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What's up with American Dad?

OMG! It's American Dad on Crack!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Science is Simple

Yesterday was "talk like a physicist day" and today is how to talk like a scientist... ok... not really. But, if you need a good laugh, read through these children's science exam answers. Fun, huh?

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e. g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs , and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


It has now been proven, beyond all doubt, that Shirley Twofeathers IS Green Lantern. See for yourself the results of this amazingly accurate assessment found on the most reliable of sources - The World Wide Web.

Your results:

You are Green Lantern
Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.

Not only that, but they gave me the percentages of my other superheroness:

  • Iron Man 75%
  • Wonder woman 65%
  • Spiderman 60%
  • The Hulk 60%
  • Batman 55%
  • Super Girl 55%
  • Robin 55%
  • Catwoman 55%
  • Superman 35%
  • The Flash 35%


  • The Green Lantern 85%

Interestingly, this adds up to... let me see...

I'm 635% Superhero
And hmm...
That leaves 0% for being uncool and merely human!
Nifty, huh?
See what happens when you learn how to talk like a physicist?

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Sunday, March 14, 2010

It's Talk Like A Physicist Day!

Yes, it's true! In honor of Einstein's birthday, it's National Pi day, otherwise known as "Talk Like A Physicist Day."

Not sure how to do it?

Not to worry, we've got it covered! Here are some pointers:

Terms that Physicists use:

Order of Magnitude: Use terms like “orders of magnitude” to describe significant differences of scale.

Negligible: When something is small, say it is “negligible” non-zero, but negligible.

Infinitesimal: If it is really really small, say it is infinitesimal.

Non-trivial: For a physicist, nothing is ever hard or difficult - it is always “non-trivial”

First-order approximation: That is only a first-order approximation to a good cup of coffee… “The living room is clean. Well…at least to a first order approximation.”

Canonical: Use “canonical” when you mean “usual” or “standard.” As in, “the canonical example of talking like a physicist is to use the word ‘canonical.’”

Orthogonal: Use “orthogonal” to refer to things that are mutually-exclusive or can’t coincide. “We keep playing phone tag — I think our schedules must be orthogonal”

Empirical Data: Any actual personal experience becomes “empirical data.” i.e. a burn on your hand is empirical data that the stove is hot.

Ground State: You’re not being lazy, you are in your ground state.

Extrapolation: A semi-educated guess is an extrapolation

Ideal Case: You aren’t ignoring details, you are taking the ideal case

Vanishingly small: A tiny amount is “vanishingly small” or “negligible.” Really small is “infinitesimal”

Potential Well: Stuck in a meeting is “trapped in a potential well,” though you hope you can “tunnel out.”

Blackhole: If there is no escape, you are trapped by a black hole, from which there is no escape.

Photons: It’s not light, they are photons. Turning on the lamp becomes emitting photons.

Exercise to Reader: The rest is history becomes “the rest is left as an exercise to the reader…”

Not even wrong: Someone is making an argument using assumptions that are known to be wrong, or are making an argument that can’t be falsified. Courtesy Wolfgang Pauli. “Wait, he’s assuming Ron Paul can still win the Republican nomination? That’s not even wrong.”

For very small values of: This one, I’m afraid, I can best explain by example. “So there are four of us going to dinner.” “Three.” “Okay, so there are four of us for very small values of four.”

Super position: If something seems to act like something else, I say that it’s in a “superposition of the two states”.

Other good words to add to your vocabulary:
  • Discontinuity
  • Renormalize
  • Positive and negative work
  • God Particle
  • Dark Energy
  • Space-time continuum

    Other rules:
    When you are asked a question, think of improbable ways a statement could be true and then at the end make sure to give correct answer.

    For Example:
    When a mere mortal is asked a question “Can a pig fly?” typically the answerer is “No.” However a physicist will respond as follows: “They could if there was no gravity, or in interstellar space, or if they had wings, or if they were dropped off a cliff (though it would be a short flight). Generally the answer is NO.”

    Here is another example of the same rule:
    Q: two trains are a approaching each other at 40 mph and are 8 miles apart, when will they cross each other? An untrained person would say “in about 6 minutes”.

    A physicist would respond as:
    "If the trains are on the same track, they will not cross each other but run in to each other; when you say approaching each other, are the trains engines facing each other? they could go around the world and then cross each other, but for that I need to know the location of the trains. Also, I need to know the lengths of each of the trains to accurately calculate this, but in a trivially simple situation, the trains will cross each other in 6 minutes. "

    Again, make sure that the correct answer is always present at the end.

    Still confused? This should simplify things for you:

    And here's a diagram of the above information:

    But wait, there's more! It's a physicist rap!!

    And that's not all! I even found a lecture on on Quantum Physics by Prof.V.Balakrishnan, Department of Physics, IIT Madras. Watch and learn!!

    Thanks to Sean, JerseyBoy, Swans on tea, dr. Dev. Stephan at Live granades, James Cronen and many others who have commented on various blogs on this issue.

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    Ask Auntie Moss

    Auntie Moss

    Ask any yes or no question, and Auntie Moss be givin' you an answer. This old witch woman is wiser than you think. Go ahead, give it a go.
    Your question:
    Auntie Moss says:

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