Thursday, January 31, 2008

Playing the Sims

The Sims! I love that game. As I mentioned on an earlier post, I learned about being human by playing this game. Before I got the Sims, I pretty much shoved myself through life, paying absolutely no attention at all to my personal needs. When I began playing the game, I made huge realizations about life and myself. Stuff I had never considered before.

If you aren't familiar with the Sims game, here's the basic scenario. You create people who walk and talk and interact with one another. They get jobs, fall in love, have children, grow old, and die. They get married, have nervous breakdowns, catch their kitchens on fire, and behave in startlingly realistic ways. I never played with dolls when I was growing up, but I had an ongoing fantasy about a box of miniature people who lived under my bed and to whom I was God. The Sims game fulfilled this childhood fantasy to a T.

So, the first family I created were an idealized version of what I thought people should be. I called them the Yogi's. They had a good marriage, got good jobs, made money, and pretty much had it made. Very boring.

The next person I created was "Gretna Green", I gave her my own personality quirks and interests and I built her a house that looked a lot like mine. Immediately we ran out of money. So, she got a job as a "phone psychic", and I waited and watched to see what would happen. So... the first day, she came home from work and began painting. She painted and painted all night long until she fell exhausted onto the floor. Pretty soon it was morning and time to go to work, which she flat out refused to do because she was "too depressed". I couldn't get that girl to go to work for nothing! She almost died - and I had to step in and sell most of her stuff in order to pull her out of the doldrums. The first thing to go was that easle! Eventually, she married well, became a doctor, had plenty of money, lived happily ever after, which was boring as hell, and I went on to create other people ad infinitum.

My son-in-law, James, created someone in his own image, built a huge house but couldn't buy any furniture or food because he spent all his money building the house. His person then refused to go and even get a job because he was "too depressed" and "too hungry". Ultimately, he downsized the house in order to buy food, and immediately his "persona" burned the food, which started a fire in the kitchen and burned the house down. My daughter and I about died laughing. It was so typical James.

Sims have very specific needs, they include: social, fun, comfort, sleep, food, hiegene, and money. I knew about the need for food and money. But the rest of it was new to me, well, OK, I did know that sleep was important. And I started to notice that when I was at work, and working ... during breaks my social score (and food) would rise significantly. But while on the phones, everything dropped. By the end of the day, unless I had a really good chair, I was bottoming out on everything except social and food. So I came home and got on the computer, that would push my creativity and fun scores up. Then I go to bed and get my comfort and energy levels fixed.

I found that I was noticing how I felt, and what I was needing in order to feel good. I found that I was more likely to respect my need for comfort and sleep. It changed my life in a profound way. I haven't played the game for about... I don't know 2 years or so, and I think I'm starting to miss it. Maybe there's something more about being "human" that I'm looking to learn.

So, what are your social needs? On a scale of 1 to 5, how well do they get met at home? at work? What about fun? comfort? sleep? What are your needs anyway? Freedom? Creativity? Money? Security? Adventure? Love? Companionship? Knowledge? What do you get from your day job (other than money)? How about at home? The internet? What feeds you? What feeds your soul? Do you make sure you get that soul food?

Talking about loneliness.

I was thinking about this yesterday. I think I spend so much time on the internet because it's a way to feel connected and not so alone. I like being alone, and I have a strong need for privace and require a lot of personal space, that being said, it feels very alone and lonely to be me. I'm sure that everyone feels this to a certain extent. Yesterday, I took my granddaughter to get movies and pizza. It was the first time I had left the house since Saturday afternoon when I went to work. On the way out the door, it occured to me that if I didn't have a "job", I'd spend all of my time holed up in my house.

And I was thinking that if I had a family at home, a husband, children, roomate, lover, friends, etc... that I'd be heading out that door a lot more often. And that being holed up at home would be the LAST thing on my mind. And that I'd only want to be all hunkered in during those times when everyone was at work or at school.

Which made me wonder... and think about who am I? and what do I really want? The whole time I was married with children my deepest wish was for time alone. Then, when I get divorced and the kids are gone, I am now alone, and what did I do? I spent a significant time feeling anguish and angst about being alone. Finally, I get used to it and find ways to mask, ignore, alleviate, channel, and bury the loneliness - what happens? I end up with a boyfriend.

At first the boyfriend thing was ideal because he was working out of town, and gone all week, giving me my alone time, and then every weekend I got my fill of togetherness time. Of course the whole thing got ruined when he started working IN town and was parked in my lap all the time. So much so, that when he got another out of town job he was determined that I should go with him - at which point the whole thing fell apart because I refused to go.

And then it was agony and angst again about being alone. My friendships and my family have been helpful, but I'm still not getting my social needs met, which means that I must be much more social than I think. And this whole idea of me being a "loner" is just the story I tell myself, when in actuality I'm not a loner at all, just someone who needs "alone time" more often than most.

And all this talk about "social needs" reminds me of the Sims game, a past obsession that I have been contemplating reviving. It was playing the Sims game that taught me about needs that I continually neglected, needs such as: comfort, sleep, and yes, social interaction.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Talking about Lord of the Rings

I'm still talking about the Lord of the Rings. Earlier, I mentioned something about how Gandalph changed my life, and how I made a decision to begin to live my life as if it was an Epic Fantasy Adventure.

So, having mulled it over for several weeks, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't just pick someone out of the move and "be" that person, because I wasn't actually them. I didn't have their skills, or their resources, or their support systems, or their history. Obviously, I'd have to be me. And I'd have to figure out how to be me in a more interesting, magical, adventurous, larger than (real) life kind of way.

The first thing I did was to quit my job. It was clear to me that I was working for was not one of the "good guys." The next thing I did was get a part time job working for a company that at the very least had the appearance of being a "good guy." And, indeed, my coworkers are for the most part, good people - and open minded. It's one of the only work places I know where I can talk about angels, aliens, faeries, tarot, extraterrestrials, astrology, shamanism, reiki, drumming circles, underground kivas, ascended masters, yogis, buddhism, meditation, mantras, crystals, magic and etc etc... and while, I am the resident heretic, and I do frighten some of my coworkers, most of the time it's OK, and very few people leave the room when I open my mouth. Maybe they even find
my "wierdness" charming?

Having carved out a "comfort zone" for myself, I have set about working on creating a life that, for me, has magic and adventure. Which is one of those easier said than done sort of things, especially since life in America right now here where I am seemingly bears no resemblance to the landscapes, vistas, people, and events in larger than life fantasy movies.

And now, two years later, I'm still lost in a maze of what the heck does that look like? And how the heck can I do THAT? Am I too old? Is it too late? Am I up to the task? Is it even possible? Etc. Etc. I think it would be so much easier if I lived HERE:

World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.

You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!


I don't mind waving my freak flag every once in a while???
This one is too funny...

And I did move this post to my new website, - You can find it on my personal blog: Hey It's Me

Talking About Me

My sister said, "I was reading about the secret language of water – he says that we must compliment ourselves and be very careful about using negative words… "

So I thought, OK, what is it that I am saying about myself? Of course, I couldn't remember anything other than an email which I sent to my sister, detailing all the ways in which I suck. So, I thought it might be interesting to go through all the posts on this blog and see what I have said about myself.

Negatives first:

  1. I'm freaking out and embarassed.
  2. I am afraid
  3. I crucify myself a thousand times
  4. I stab myself in the back
  5. I feel pressured and squeezed
  6. I feel like a failure
  7. I am only moderately happy
  8. I am depressed
  9. I am not working
  10. I will never be a kickboxer
  11. I will never be that cute
  12. I will never be that limber
  13. I will never be that quick
And here are the positive ones I found:
  1. I love working on big impossible projects.
  2. I am an intensely creative person.
  3. I get insanely bored with routines.
  4. I am the "flower nurse"
  5. I am curious.
  6. I forgive
  7. I am now amazingly inspired.
  8. I'm creative
  9. I understand
  10. I am not depressed
  11. I am all happy and impressed.
  12. I am working
  13. I am the resident heretic

You might disagree with some of the things I have listed as positives. for example... the one about being insane and bored, and the one about being a heretic. However, I enjoy those things about myself , so for me, they get tagged as positives. And, it's highly possible that I may have missed a few, it was quite a task reading all the posts on the blog. Also, I omitted the ones that were more about facts and activities I was/am engaged in, and I also left out anything phrased as a question. I find it very interesting that the lists are so well balanced. I thought for sure that the negatives would outweigh the positives 2 to 1. I wonder if my self talk is as balanced as my blog speak?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Here's a question!

Besides money, what is the biggest thing that stands in the way of having the life you really want?

Sunday, January 27, 2008

My Spiritual Practice for the Day

So today I am working on a very tedious, possibly very enlightening spiritual practice called "Cleaning The House." As you can see, I'm not working steadfastly, diligently, or efficiently. If that was the case I wouldn't be posting this and my computer would be turned off.

I got inspired to do this partly because the dishes in the sink have become so sacred and powerful that they are creating new life. And I got inspired partly because I read in a book that "Our rooms are pictures of our consciousness. If you want to clean up your consciousness, then clean up your room."

Interestingly, as a super hero I'm "Super Fast", but as a "spiritual house keeper", I'm Super Slow. What I really need to do is hire this guy:

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Me as a Super Hero

Your Superpower Should Be Super Speed

You're quick witted and fast to act.
You're mind works at warp speed. From your perspective, everyone else is living in slow motion.
You get so much done, people have accused you of not sleeping.
Definitely not a couch potato, you feel a bit crazy if you're not busy doing something.

Why you would be a good superhero: You're be the first on the scene... and likely to finish the job before anyone else shows up

Your biggest problem as a superhero: Being bored by everyone else. Including other superheroes!

Friday, January 25, 2008


Gee... thanks a lot!

My Tony Jaa Obsession

Tony Jaa 4
As promised, here are the Tony Jaa screenshots from the movie.

Tony Jaa 3
That other guy doesn't have a chance!

Tony Jaa 2
Is he on fire? Yes! How cool is that?

Tony Jaa 5
He even dives through barbed wire!

Tony Jaa 1
Here he is having a quiet moment...

Tony Jaa 6
And yes, he really can do that stuff! It's not just movie magic!

So, now you can see why I think this guy is so cool, and maybe you can even see why I am so disappointed in myself that I am not him. I mean, who wouldn't want to be him? Well, OK, maybe YOU wouldn't want to be him... maybe YOU are happy with yourself how you are in this now moment... but I'm clearly not.

I wonder if there's even a slim chance in hell that I would have the guts to walk into a martial arts place and ask about lessons? Hmmm.... I dunno... maybe....

Still Obsessing

I'm still obsessing over that cute little Thai kickboxer, Tony Jaa. For those of you with more than just a crappy dial up connection, here's a video so you can see why:

For the rest of us, the ones with crappy dial up, I'll find some actual pictures.

Where would you be?

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Where would you be...

If you had all the money your heart desired?

If you had the most fabulous home
in the most perfect neighborhood?

If you had no worries?

If you came home and the finest
gourmet meal was waiting for you?

If your bathwater had been run?

If you had the perfect kids?

If your partner was awaiting you,
with open arms and kisses?

So, where would you be?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Where have I been?

Not seeing as many posts from me recently? That's because I have been taking two days a week to be off the grid and living my life - as opposed to being on the Internet and living vicariously in cyberspace. It seems like a good plan, and so far I have managed to:

  1. Created a prototype of an "Orgone generator, linear kimana, reiki powered, medicine wheel, magnetized, rune magick box, tray, landing pad..." something or other.... I wonder if I'll actually make a real one.
  2. Organize and sort through my tapes and CD's.
  3. Listened to actual music.
  4. Cleaned up most of my office (key word being "most").
  5. Made a really big mess in the living room (the office "stuff" having been moved in there in order to have a "cleaned up" office).
  6. Avoided the dishes totally for ... let me see ... 3 weeks now.
  7. Watched a number of movies, including one really cool one about a Thai kickboxer.
  8. Become totally disappointed with my life because I will never be the aforementioned kickboxer. I will never be that cute, I will never be that limber, I will never be that strong, I will never be that quick... etc. etc.... it's a long list.
  9. Watched the trailers and extra features of the aforementioned movie about 6 times so that I could wallow in my "never ever's"
  10. Started but did not finish 5 books.
  11. Got totally behind on several blogs - like it matters to the world at large - LOL.
  12. Procrastinated getting Christmas presents for my family for ... let me see ... 5 weeks now?
  13. Cancelled as many appointments as possible so I could make the aforementioned mess in my living room even messier.
  14. Had beer for breakfast on at least 2 occasions.

I'm sure there's more, but these are the highlights!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Held Within

I have been reading through some of my old journals, and I found something that I wrote several years ago. It seemed appropriate for the season, (winter), and so here it is.

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Seeds. Roots.
deep in the dark earth
staying put
held in by Winter's rigid cold
and yet it is love
that cold stiff harsh winter breath/blanket is so lovingly
laid down
stay put, she says
stay put
go deeper within the within
not time yet to come out
not time yet to grow up
not time yet to reach forward
hunker down
cozy up
build strength
gather your reserves
let the Mother hold you inside
the dark earth
held firm
not soft
a tight grip
a good hold
I will hold you until you are
ready to come out
strong enough within to be without

Friday, January 18, 2008

My new "friend"

Today, I had something really cool and interesting happen. I logged into my email, and found that Paulo Coelho had added me as a "friend" at blog catalog, not only that but he left me a message. The reason that is so cool is that Paulo Coelho is the author of The Alchemist, which is one of my favorite books.

Probably he has a staff that does all his blog promotion stuff, and it's doubtful that he actually visited any of my blogs, and the message was about a project he is doing, but nevertheless... I'm all happy and impressed with the whole situation. So impressed, that I visited his Flickr account and added him as a contact, sent him a thank you message, and rated his blog.

In a small virtual way, I felt that I had connected with him, person to person, which was totally unexpected and cool. You can also find him at MySpace and Facebook and YouTube.

Here's what he has to say about The Alchemist:

When you want something, the whole Universe conspires to help you realize your dream. Santiago, the hero of the novel, already forms part of a select gallery of illustrious characters and leads us through his story to experience a remarkable adventure.“When I wrote The Alchemist, I was trying to understand the reason for the existence of life. Instead of writing a philosophical treatise, I decided to converse with the child inside my soul. To my surprise, this child was living inside millions of people around the world. With this book I wanted to share with my readers the questions which, precisely because they don't have an answer, make life a great adventure”.

This is a book that makes the world dream - that's what it says on the cover. And here I am, working on turning my life into a grand adventure... when suddenly a person who writes about this very subject shows up in my inbox!

And check this out! It's a cool eCard! I had planned to embed it in this post, but it's too wide, so here's the link instead: Manual for Climbing Mountains

A Miracle!

Ok, now here is a bonafide miracle. It's the dead of winter. There is snow on the ground, it's really cold, my dog isn't feeling well, and normally this would have me in a tailspin of dark thoughts, angst, and depression. And yet.... I'm not depressed.

I can even prove it! I took the Which Tarot Card Are You? test, check it out! I'm Little Merry Sunshine! Yes! Me! In winter! I'm telling you, it's a miracle!

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You are the Sun card. The light of the Sun reveals all. The Sun is joyful and bright, without fear or reservation. The childish nature of the Sun allows you to play and feel free. Exploration can truly take place in the light of day when nothing is hidden. The Sun's rays fill you with energy so that you may live life to its fullest, milking pleasure out of each day. Such joy and energy can bring wealth and physical pleasure. To shine in the light of day is to have confidence, to soak up its rays is to feel the freedom of a child.

Image from: Stevee Postman.
Take this quiz!


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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Doing the Mantra

In July of 2004, my sister and I had a dialogue via email. Reading it today was Deja Vu All Over Again, and this was my answer to the Good Advice and the mantra my sister gave me:

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I know you are right.
Worry, worry, worry.
I'll do the mantra.
Fret fret fret.
I'll do the mantra.
It is a beautiful day
Yesterday was too.
Saturday we had a cold hard rain
I had to wear a coat
I almost turned on the heat.
This is a beautiful mild summer.
I think I'll go outside and drink my coffee.
Be in the now moment.
How profoundly simple.
How profoundly difficult.
For me
It's all about how to feel safe in the world.
Most of my fear is based on a core belief that I am not supported
or safe
Finding a way to feel safe
Will money and a regular pay check make me feel safe?
Maybe so, maybe not.
When I explore my feelings - and what I mean by that - when I stop trying to avoid, change, or stuff them - I find that dread gives way to grief - fear gives way to fatigue - fatigue gives way to grief - grief gives way to I don't know what - probably joy - but I haven't let it go that far. The feelings get too big and I go find something to do, or something to eat, or someone to call, or something to worry about.
I understand why people get "saved".
I'm going to go outside
Sit on the ground
Enjoy the Earth Mother
Drink coffee
contemplate the now moment.
fret about it
maybe even fall into it
say the mantra.
Love Shirley

Some Good Advice

This was my sister's response to It's Deja Vu All Over Again.

Okay, you asked - hope you don't regret it... I think it is great, encouraging and inspirational progress that you are ready to confront this worrisome miasma... I smell the end of its dominion over you.

Yes, I think it is a miracle you've lasted this long on snips and snatches and any of your solutions seem viable. Why not just do what has immediately presented itself to you to do? - forget about the future and don't project past right now. God has kept you from bankruptcy and ruin and all kinds of horrible working situations, and simple, grateful awareness has to have some measure of sustaining power.

There's no reason to suspect that universal support will dissolve just because you are at a point when you are ready for some abundance in your life. Know deeply and with certainty that all is as it should be - right now - it could never have been any other way. Abandon the need to know how things will work out; take your primary focus away from past and future and lend them little power over this moment. Hold a knowing space within where there is even greater certainty that there is an unfolding greater good of which you will increasingly be aware and participate in its manifestation.

Acting from this foundation, allowing things to unfold without projecting the small self in the process, is (in my opinion only) the most powerful, transformational accomplishment.

Then sit down and do the abundance mantra out loud for 15 min and then silently for 15 - do it when you can:

Om - Shreem - Maha - Lakshmi - Yei - Swaha

I am doing this mantra now and you and I together will multiply it's potency because of our connection - where you have abundance, so do I, and so do all those you and I love. So this is not optional - it is a mandate now - we must manifest abundance in the world for a higher purpose.

It's Deja Vu All Over Again!

I was going back through emails from my sister. Believe it or not, I have have kept them as far back as 2004! This little exchange really caught my interest. It was written in July 2004:

And so I added up the numbers
Now I'm depressed.
I should be happy -
I've just proved that the impossible is possible
I sat down with my bills
added them all up
and they come to more than the $300 a week bathing job
even pared down to the barest minimum.
How is it that I am caught up for July?
I don't know.
How did I make it on $800 a month (sometimes less)from November to now?
How is it that I actually have money in a savings account?
And none of my utilities are turned off?
And nothing has been reposessed?
It's probably a financial miracle that I even have any money at all!
I should fall to my knees and be thankful.

So, that was four years ago. I am now employed someplace else making $250 a week and picking up odd jobs here and there. My bills are not substantially different, it's still a miracle! And I have yet to fall to my knees and be thankful!

I'm going to do that right now.
I am!

And then, I'm going to post my sister's reply...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Survival Issues

A while back, I posted Help From the Faeries over at the Prosperity Project. And from that post, I came up with When you were three over at Question of the Day. As I was writing my answer to the question, I discovered something really interesting about myself. Something totally new about Shirley. So, here's the question:

Most people have decided by the age of three or four what they must do in order to survive. From this decision, this belief about how the world is, most of our fears and self-limitations grow. If this is true, what did you need to do in order to survive when you were three or four? How has this influenced the way you live your life now?
Good question, isn't it?
So, my answer was totally surprising to me. This is what I came up with:

I'd say that I learned... never give up. You will outsmart them in the end... wow! That one was a surprise! It just popped right out of my keyboard. Interesting!! I also learned the world is not safe, and if you don't do what God wants you to do it's even less safe. But if you do what God wants you to do - you won't be safe either..

so... the world is not safe and neither is God. So... never give up. You will outsmart "him" in the end!

And so, is that really true?
Well, I think the first part is. Yes. But the second part, the part about not being safe in the world isn't something that I learned when I was three or four. That came later. Before I went away to boarding school, I felt totally safe in the world. I was absolutely convinced that God loved me, and that my guardian angels were always with me, and so was Jesus. I talked to them all the time.

So, that second part, must have come later. I remember once when I was 5 years old, in boarding school, I plugged a lamp into the wall and there was a short in the plug. I got a pretty good shock from it, and I thought I had gotten electrocuted. Well, I "knew" that when you get electrocuted, you die. So I made myself comfortable on the couch, and waited for Jesus to come and take me to heaven. I waited a really long time. After a while other children came in the room and asked me what I was doing. When I told them, they laughed at me. I was horribly disappointed to find out that I was going to have to stay alive.

Clearly, I still felt good about God then. Not so good about life on earth, but God and I were still friends.

This picture, by the way, is me packing, and getting ready to go away to school. If you look closely, you'll see that I put my shoes on the wrong feet.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

What does your inner self crave?

Ok, so today I found myself over at Quizilla, taking this silly little quiz about what my inner self is craving. I'm calling it silly because it was clearly targeted for and probably written by a teenager. I even took the test twice. Once as me now (grown up), and once how I think I would have answered the questions when I was in high school. I came up with the same answer, which is surprisingly accurate, so maybe it wasn't so silly after all.

What does your inner self crave?

Answers.You feel as if you need to know more about everything. You analyse every detail, and ask countless questions. You want to know if there is a deeper meaning to things - you are forever searching for answers.
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So, what about you guys? Quiz or no quiz, what does your inner self crave? What are you hungry for?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I made a sale at Cafe Press!

Actually I made two sales! So that was nice. My mom bought two things from my Cafe Press Store, a package of greeting cards and a mug. I have a really great mom! These are gifts for friends of the family. I was totally surprised by what she picked out.

Now here's the stupid thing: Instead of being really happy about the sale, I am only moderately happy because there is this really silly insecure part of me that wonders if she had a really had time finding something that she liked well enough to buy, the ridiculous insecure part of me that wonders if this is what could be called a "mercy sale". Why can't I just be happy with the sale?

Just the other day I was telling my sister about how I was trying to think up an "I would be happier if..." and couldn't come up with anything, that my "happiness meter" was over the top, and that while I could come up with "It would be nicer if..." there was no "happier" if. Then, something good happens, something successful happens, and suddenly I'm thinking I would be happier if I could just let myself be happy (with the sale) ... which sounds insane!

So, what's up with that?

Shirley should practice what she preaches.

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So this is what my sister has to say about doing "the work" on this statement (made by me) "Shirley should practice what she preaches." I found it really interesting, and I'm glad she shared it with me, and so here I am sharing it with you.

After the fact, I will tell you I thought this would be a quickie. The turn around was in my head in the 'been-there-done-that' sense of myself. I was somewhat amazed, increasingly so when I got to the real turn arounds, by the depth I found in this simple, universal thought. I investigated I should practice what I preach and came away truly amazed at what I could reveal to myself through it. This is the question of a master archeologist... an individual who maps out a piece of ground and meticulously brushes the dirt away from the bones... This question brought me to a point of self awareness that I have circled for some many years...

I should practice what I preach.
Is that true? Seems undeniably true.

Can I absolutely know I should practice what I preach?
Well, no. Not really. Perhaps what I preach isn't all the good for me!

How do I react when I have the thought I should practice what I preach, and there I am doing exactly the opposite of what I preach?
Depressed, disgusted, angry with myself, hard, mean, contracted and paralyzed. Good for nothing, weak, pathetic, self indulgent, undisciplined, lazy, irresponsible, and indolent...

Who would I be if I couldn't have the thought I should practice what I preach?
I would be doing what I do when I do it and feel like it was the right thing at the right time. I would be more open, energetic, and positive about the future that I'm creating for myself. I would be less preachy and live by the values I hold true, or more acurately, my values would be expressed through me by my actions, not through my beliefs about them.

Turn it around:
I shouldn't practice what I preach.

  1. If I don't, that is reality and a good place to further my inquiry.
    What is stuck between me and my values?
    What is keeping me separated from the life I want to live?
    What exactly am I preaching that I don't practice?
  2. I notice that I am unwilling to practice what I preach. Not only is it honest, it is good to know about myself and a more open place to be than the place of "I can't seem to... or I should..."
  3. I can also notice that I'm happiest when I'm in synchrony with my values and I can begin to notice what I'm thinking when I make choices that don't jive.
  4. Perhaps what I preach is a belief system that isn't true. Maybe all that is required for my freedom is for the content of my sermons to fall away...maybe I would be in 24/7 bliss if my sacred religions all collapsed...
  5. I can notice how judgmental is feels to disapprove of the disconnect between what I say I believe and what I live. I can be more forgiving of others who can't seem to practice what they preach either - as Katie says, "If it's so easy sweetheart, you try it!"
  6. I can be very grateful when I run accross someone who can practice what they preach and I can feel true, deep admiration for them. What I can truly appreciate in someone else must also be alive in me - I wouldn't be able to see it if that wasn't true.
Let's go to a deeper level here -

What is stuck between me and my values?
Could it be that what I'm really after from wanting to practice what I preach is a sense of superiority? Could it be that I want the persona of she who has her stuff together... ? Could it be that I can't seem to manifest that superior being because she is a figment of my ego and my ego can't ever be fed enough, no matter how many achievements I churn out...?

What is keeping me separated from the life I want to live?
There is a pattern of self recrimination that cripples good, spontaneous impulses of 'right' and loving action; the self recrimination comes from hidden, conditioned thinking, thoughts that are terribly scolding because I'm not living up to some idealized vision I have for "me"; that hidden conditioned thinking often worms its way in to the point where I avoid doing TW or, more pointedly, I am convinced I can't find the stressful thinking... the more I do TW the more I sense that I am afraid of finding the stressful, conditioned thought - it is uncomfortable and scary... and in the next breath, I'm going to go exactly there -

What exactly am I preaching that I don't practice?
Consistency, focus, hard work, determination, effort...
I am unwilling to practice yoga; I am unwilling to exercise (to a certain point for a certain length of time, i.e., I am unwilling to break a sweat); I am unwilling to really clean the house regularly, on a schedule; I am unwilling to defer certain indulgences in favor of work; at times I am unwilling to forego (questionable) pleasures for (satisfying) purpose WOW. That was interesting...

I am unwilling to do certain things in a disciplined way - that is setting aside time for them and applying myself to them consistently, over time and to a point - this would include drawing, writing, exercising, housekeeping, caring for family, raising dogs and children... I AM UNWILLING TO BREAK A SWEAT AND I AM UNWILLING TO GET OUT OF MY SAFE, COMFORTABLE HABITS... No wonder my favorite television entertainments involve people put into situations that require superhuman stamina, determination, effort, and willingness to break out of their comfort zones...!

I am unwilling to work first, play later and I can't admire that at all...

This was magic - something fell off me or the shell cracked. Could you feel it happen I wonder?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Gandalf Changed My Life

In an earlier post, I made the statement that Gandalf changed my life. Here is how that happened. I was working at for Sprint, on a terrible shift, doing work I detested, mostly on night shift, and in a deep and dark depression. After midnight, we usually watched movies between calls (which was allowed). One night someone brought in The Lord of the Rings.

I was thinking... "Oh God, not that again!" But there it was, nothing to do but watch it, so I did. And once again I got totally caught up in the drama. And once again I started to wish that life really was like an epic fantasy movie. And once again, I felt myself spiralling into that dark feeling of disappointment with myself and my life.

And then, Frodo said: "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." Which really resonated with me, I was wishing lots of stuff had never happened to me too....

And this post has been moved to my new website,, and can be found in its entirety on my personal blog, Hey It's Me, here: Gandalf Changed My Life

One Awesome Quote!

Minas Tirith
Originally uploaded by Lucia..
Samwise Gamgee~ 'It's like in the great stories Mr Frodo, the ones that really mattered, full of darkness & danger they were, & sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how can the end be happy, how can the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened.

But in the end it's only a passing thing...this shadow, because even darkness must pass. A new day will come & when the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you...that meant something , even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think Mr Frodo...I think I understand, I know now. Folks in those stories had lotsa chances of turning back when they didn't they kept going because they were holding on to something..'

And this post has been moved to my new website, It can be found on my personal blog, Hey It's Me - One Awesome Quote!

Ok... Here I am...

There has been so much going on with me since Jan 1st that I think it might take 4 or 5 blog posts just to get it all said! I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with The Lord of the Rings - because this is the background for the stuff I've been excited about and doing since the New Year began.

I absolutely love that story! I first read it in 1969. And I can remember that my family was huddled around the TV or the Radio, I'm not sure which. They were all excited because this was the day that Neil Armstrong, aboard the Apollo 11 Lunar Lander, along with Buzz Aldrin, touched down on the surface of the moon. What was I doing? I was reading The Lord of the Rings. Frodo and Sam were just begining the treck through the swamp with Gollum leading the way. My dad was really aggravated with me because I was not the least bit excited that the "Eagle had Landed".....

And This post has been moved to my new website, and can be found there, on my personal blog, Hey It's Me. Here's a direct link: Ok... Here I am...

Monday, January 7, 2008

The Council of Elrond?

council of elrond


Ok... so I have about 10 posts in my head... banging around... wanting out... but I had to take care of the "shire" first and all the little hobbits needed me to be there for them on the internet... and now my feet are taking me to some really good ale at the Prancing Pony...

And this post has been moved to my new website and can be found there on my personal blog: Hey It's Me

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Spirit in the Sky

spirt in the sky
Originally uploaded by funkyluke

Isn't this cool? If I have my facts correct, this artist uses Flickr photos to promote and sell this nifty art. What a neat idea. I love the interestingness of the piece too.

It makes me want to do art! It makes me want to go looking in junk stores for cool stuff to glue together. I get so inspired when I see stuff like this!

Maybe that's because I'm creative!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Hey, guess what! I'm creative!

You Are 93% Creative

You are an incredibly creative person. For you, there are no bounds or limits to your creativity.
Your next creation could be something very great... Or at least very cool!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

108 Things I want to do in 2008

  1. Show up at work with my hair colored purple.
  2. Make a mud pie.
  3. Watch the sun set over a lake.
  4. Spend one whole entire day just listening.
  5. Be seen in public wearing shoes that don't match.
  6. Throw at least 2 water balloons at my unsuspecting son-in-law.
  7. Make a dandelion necklace.
  8. Give a tired waitress a $20 tip.
  9. Pay at least one of my bills by hand (this means NOT online) and put confetti in the envelope.
  10. Roll on the ground laughing.
  11. Sleep out under the stars.
  12. Play with melting candle wax.
  13. Think of something really nice to say to the person at work who dislikes me the most.
  14. Figure out who that person is.
  15. Make a small sail boat out of a leaves and float it on my pond (can that be done? I wonder).
  16. Bake a small honey cake for the faeries and then leave it out for them to find.
  17. Put a message in a bottle and drop it into the Missouri River.
  18. Write anonymous letters to both of my daughters telling them how wonderful they are.
  19. If they ask me about it, I will totally deny that I wrote the letters.
  20. Rescue a grasshopper from drowning.
  21. Actually look at myself in the mirror (at least one time).
  22. Build a snow man.
  23. Only wear matching socks if I want to.
  24. Put flowers in my food.
  25. Go for a walk in the rain.
  26. Sit so quietly outside that a butterfly lands on my hand.
  27. Chase fireflies.
  28. Paint my toenails bright pink.
  29. Collect pollen.
  30. Write "I love you" on all of my mirrors.
  31. Do 10 sit ups.
  32. Lay in my hammock and blow bubbles.
  33. Find out how far I can spit.
  34. Walk barefoot in mud.
  35. Write an interesting message on a rock and then leave it for someone else to find.
  36. Dance by the light of the moon.
  37. Go outside and do a really good Tarzan yell while thumping my chest.
  38. Do 3 push ups.
  39. Turn my electricity off for one whole entire day.
  40. Fill two dozen plastic easter eggs with little fun toys, and "hide" them at a playground for kids to find.
  41. Tie bells on my shoelaces and then go grocery shopping.
  42. Smile and say "Hi" to everyone who stares at me.
  43. Wear fake eyelashes and black lipstick to a family gathering.
  44. Send an anonymous surprise gift to someone I like.
  45. Deny any knowledge of it if they ask.
  46. For one whole entire day, say only the absolute truth.
  47. Do this before I send any anonymous gifts or letters.
  48. Say that I'm going to write a list of 108 things, and stop right before I get to number 49.

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