Monday, June 30, 2008

Crying to the Spirits

Crying to the Spirits was the name of the photo. An amazing image full of mystery, and grief, and power. And I thought, "I'm doing that too, but in a really watered down, milk-toast kind of way.

This person - so intent - so sincere - is calling on the spirits having fasted, having dreamed, having taken it all really seriously, and now he's crying to the spirits about matters of life and death and the soul and the after-life.

I, on the other hand, come into this room with the air conditioner on, having just downed a Monster Java energy drink, and I sit in this comfortable chair, wrapped in this knitted blanket, well fed and secure, and I piddle around with small matters like my to-do list and my issues witn money and children and time.

It's so petty in comparison.

Amber Canyon

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Dust Devil

This morning, I came across three Navajo people looking off into the distance at a point of interest. They totally ignored me, seemed uninclined to speak, so I tried to catch a glimpse of what it was they were so totally engrossed in.

What I saw was a dirt devil in the distance, which soon became three and then coalesced together to become one big female devil, devouring everything in her path, uprooting trees, causing devastation. Then I said, "Wait a minute here. If that's what they are really looking at, wouldn't they be more freaked out? Less relaxed? Wouldn't they be exhibiting some sort of nervousness or fear?" And I began to totally doubt what I was seeing.

But still the people weren't the least bit interested in talking to me, and when I looked into the distance again, I saw the same thing. Only this time, I kept on watching, and saw that the "dust devil" was putting the trees back into the ground.

Then it occurred to me... just because something off in the distance looks dangerous and scary, that doesn't mean that it is.

Amber Canyon

The Real Internet

Your heart is the browser.
The pathways are the search engine,
The universe is the real Internet,
And there are many addresses to the Beloved,
whose server is always online.

~Neil Douglas-Klotz

A Short History of Blogging!

Medieval Blogger

Bloggers were invented ca. 300 AD, and were originally called "monks." Like their distant descendents, monks had shitty haircuts, and never got laid.


Sounds just like me!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Salmon Again?

Today, I got the salmon fisherman again. he didn't have anything "new" to say. So I took it to mean that it would be good to take a relaxed but alert attitude with me to Daniel's as I helped him move.

That was the plan, the reality unfolded somewhat differently, and I can't really say that it came anywhere close to a successful salmon spearing expedition.

Amber Canyon

Wake Up!!


Ok, I uploaded some stuff about the third eye... and I couldn't resist. I had to put this up too! So, this must be what happens if you drink too many Monsters!!

By the way, if you missed those third eye posts, here are the links:

Friday, June 27, 2008

Why did she cut off her own head?

When I wrote the post on Creativity and Bloodletting, I discovered Chinnamasta. This self-decapitating goddess really fascinates me. It's such a strange image. A goddess cuts off her own head to feed her devotees while standing on a goddess and a god who are busily having sex... I hardly know what to think.

Just in case you're having trouble actually visualizing this, here's what it looks like! My sister loves painting religious icons... I wonder if she'd ever be tempted to do this one.


Here's the story behind the image:

One day Parvati went to bathe in the Mandakini river…with her attendants, Jaya and Vijaya. After bathing, the great goddess’s color became black because she was sexually aroused. After some time, her two attendants asked her, "Give us some food. We are hungry.” She replied, “I shall give you food but please wait.” After awhile, again they asked her. She replied, “Please wit, I am thinking about some matters.”

Waiting awhile, they implored her, “You are the mother of the universe. A child asks everything from her mother. The mother gives her children not only food but also coverings for the body. So that is why we are praying to you for food. You are known for your mercy; please give us food.”

Hearing this, the consort of Shiva told them that she would give anything when they reached home. But again her two attendants begged her, “We are overpowered with hunger, O Mother of the Universe. Give us food so we may be satisfied, O Merciful One, Bestower of Boons and Fulfiller of Desires.”

Hearing this true statement, the merciful goddess smiled and severed her head. As soon as she severed her head, her head fell on the palm of her left hand. Three bloodstreams emerged from her throat; the left and right fell respectively into the mouths of her flanking attendants and the center one fell into her own mouth. After performing this, all were satisfied and later returned home. From this act Parvati became known as Chinnamasta.

An Amazing Experience

I had the most amazing experience today!

I turned to a picture of a medicine man and his wife standing beside their "medicine tipi." It was painted red, and there were symbols drawn on the front of it.

He smiled at me and invited me in. I went into the tipi and was immediately struck by the smells - rich and thick - of skins and herbs, smoke and dirt. There was a small central fire pit encircled by round stones, bags and stuff hung from the sides.

We sat across from one another and he lit his pipe and passed it to me.

At this point, I questioned the validity of what I was seeing, saying "Wouldn't there be talk and other protocol before the pipe?"

He smiled and waved his hands as if to brush my doubts aside and said, "We meet here in the dream world. I do what I want here. If I say we smoke - we smoke."

And so we smoked the pipe and I wondered about smudge and sage, but there was none in evidence, so I let that go.

Then he had me lie down. He then put a thick white paste on my forehead and either he said, or I knew, that this was for better seeing. He put a big lump of something dark that seemed like clay or moist earth on my heart, and I could feel it pulling the toxins out of my body right away.

My hands were at my sides and he turned them, palms down, so that they rested on smooth round stones. I felt that this was to keep me grounded.

He uncrossed my ankles and proceeded to sing songs and blow smoke and sometimes spit, or blow some kind of liquid at me. Then I had this feeling of being strangled, not real intense, but still pretty clear.

And I saw that a hangman's noose was around my neck and I saw my body being pulled up to hang from the top of the tipi.

The medicine man pulled me down, and now there was, in addition to the noose, a white cloth bag over my head, like muslin. Later, I wondered if I was accessing a previous life memory of being hanged. In the moment, I was just interested and curious about this turn of events.

The medicine man worked quickly to untie the knotted rope which he then threw into the fire. It flared up and sizzled and then turned into a snake and slithered away.

He then pulled the cowl off my head and threw it into the fire - it took the white paste on my forehead with it and when it hit the flames it blazed up and a flock of black birds (crows?) flew out.

Around my neck there were still the ligature marks, and it occurred to me that maybe my eyes were bugged out as well.

The medicine man reapplied the white paste and then went to work carefully peeling the marks off my neck, but it was slow going as they kept reappearing. Finally he took a kind of sponge soaked in some sort of healing liquid, and what he did was roll the ligature marks up a little at a time. Then he'd swab behind it and the skin would heal.

As he was working, I realized that the soil or clay on my chest had burnt and was shrivelled, dry, and black. The medicine man stopped what he was doing with my neck, and took the charred earth and threw it into the fire where it flared and sizzled and then transformed into a number of dark spiders which scurried away.

He put another mound or earth on my chest, and then went back to working on my neck, peeling the ligature marks off and swabbing behind, going slowly, making sure the flesh was healing. When he came to the front of my throat, there was a hole underneath, out of which flew a big swarm of screaming butterflies. The screaming wasn't audible, but it was understood. Very weird.

He looked in the hole to see if "everyone" was out, and back in a far dark corner was a frightened, big eyed, skinny being. He (the medicine man) said, "Do you belong here?"

Both the being and I said, "Yes." simultaneously. I did not want him to pull her out, nor did she wish to leave. Whoever she was, she was clearly malnourished and scared, having been hiding in dark corners for so long.

The medicine man unrolled the ligature marks just enough to cover the hole and then he started working on the other side. It was really odd, watching the marks on my throat, which looked like bruises and shrivelled skin being rolled up just like masking tape. He worked slowly rolling and swabbing the skin underneath, making sure the new skin healed before moving on.

Finally he had both sides rolled up, and it looked like a scroll stuck there on the front of my throat. I had a fleeting thought, wondering what might be written on it, and I knew that to unroll it and read it would be to undo all the work thus far.

With a flourish, the medicine man pulled the scrolled up ligature marks and tossed them into the fire. It melted into a whitish worm shape and crawled away. He then reached a finger into the hole and pulled that dark skinny big eyed being up to the light.

Again, he asked, "Do you belong here?"
Again, the answer was, "Yes."

And he said, "Well, OK then, but it's time you occupy the space in a good way. Build a fire, make yourself comfortable, go hunting, and feed yourself properly."

When he said, "Go hunting." I had a momentary vision of a warrior in full regalia mounted on a winged war horse. It occurs to me now that the hunting wasn't just for food and nourishment, but for power as well.

The medicine man then showed the being how to travel to and through the heart and how to see out of the third eye. I had some qualms about it at this point, was I really sure I wanted this dark skinny almost gollum-like creature to remain within me?

But, it didn't seem right to evict her either, and it occurred to me that this must be a deeply neglected, thoroughly repudiated part of my self. I also wondered about allowing her to move through my heart - worried this might cause "damage" or "leakage" of some sort.

And I was reassured with a knowing that this part of me needed to be fully expressed with heart and vision, not just spoken or verbalized in a superficial way.

The medicine man worked with that dark spirit to rebuild the hole in my throat, building it out of living tissue so that it was a "real" fix, not a temporary patch.

When that was complete, I had a realization of who that newly empowered part of me is. And almost as soon as I "knew" it, I "forgot" what I knew. Interesting... huh?

With that completed, the medicine man turned his attention to the lump of earth on my chest. As he pulled it off, it was as if a dark netting or web was pulled out of me. It felt really good to have that ripped out, like an "aahhh" and my whole body relaxed. He tossed it into the fire and there was a huge explosion. Kaboom! There was thunder and lightning and stars. The inside of the tipi turned a dark indigo and the stars and the lights settled into it so that it looked as if it had been painted to resemble the night sky.

He took the rocks from under my hands and placed them just inside the circle of stones that ringed the fire pit. They turned red as they heated and purified.

He then painted the soles of my feet red, and told me that I would/could now walk the "good red road."

He moved to my head and pulled off the white paste. It flared up into red and orange flames when it hit the fire. Then he proceeded to wrap me up in a cocoon of light. As soon as he was done, my eyes spontaneously opened - and I knew it was complete.


Amber Canyon

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Do what's in here!

I turned this morning to a war party getting ready to head out. The one in front looked down at me and tapped me sharply on the chest with his finger and said.

"Do what's in here - Not what's out there." and he indicated the other people standing around. "No! Do what's in here," again with the tapping, "and do it in a good way."

With that he wheeled his horse around and they rode off whooping and hollering.

Amber Canyon

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I'm An Aristocrat

This may come as a surprise to many who know me, but I'm actually an aristocrat. My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Very Lady Shirley the Essential of Nether Wombleshire
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

A Bear Story

So, today I talked to an old story teller. He told me the following story:

One day Bear, who was a very large bear and very hungry, went down to the river to do some fishing.

On his way, he came to a small round house in which lived a brother and a sister.

"Aha!" said the bear, "Here I have a nice big nut to crack!"

He clapped his powerful hands together and crushed the house between them. He was so forceful that the house was crushed. But with the force of the blow, the two siblings flew right out of the top of the house and landed - quite by accident - at the top of a very tall tree.

Bear was not to be deterred, he thought these two "kernels" might be tender and tasty, so he climbed up the tree.

The tree, however, was unable to bear his weight and broke in half, sending the twins flying. They landed in the river and were immediately swept downstream.

Bear shook himself and thought about what to do... there was the river full of fat big fish, there were the two "kernels" disappearing downstream. He looked at the fish swimming under the water - he looked downstream - he looked bat at the fish, right there, almost underfoot. I'll just have one or two for a snack, he thought, and next thing you know he had a full belly and was taking a nap.

The twins were very frightened, the river carried them over rocks and around bends... they had many adventures... and they never stopped running from the bear who had long since forgotten all about them.

Amber Canyon

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Not so different

Talked to a guy sitting on top of a huge rock in the desert. He said, "We are not so different, you and I." And I spend the rest of the time wondering how that could possibly be true, because while I could think of a few superficial ways in which we were the same... I kept coming back to how fundamentally different we are.

One thing, that did come to me, however was that waiting and watching is what meditation is.... which is what I do every morning... I sit and listen... and I wait.. and I watch... in that way the two of us are not so different.

Amber Canyon

Monday, June 23, 2008

What Happens Happens

Today I came upon a warrior making an offering, a prayer to the Sun. I hesitated to interrupt him, so I just stood there and watched for a while.

Then, quite suddenly, he said, "You make the offering and then you do whatever it is that you do. Better not to second guess after that. And if the Gods smile on you and the offering was good, all will be well. And if the offering was unacceptable, or the Gods don't smile on you, things may be difficult. Most important is that you are doing what you believe is right. Things go well ... not well ... doesn't matter. Make the offering, get centered, do what seems correct and what happens happens.

Amber Canyon

How to Speak Cockatiel Like a Native

Now that I have Max and Tory, I thought it might be a good idea to learn a little bit about Cockatiels. This is what I've discovered:


Learning to communicate like a Cockatiel is no challenge. They simply demand and expect you to deliver.

Cockatiels are a study of activity…these birds never stop moving, at least not if they can possibly help it. The favorite thing to do for a Cockatiel is chewing. They will chew on paper, cardboard, fabric, power cords, pencils and virtually anything else that will fit into their beaks. If they don't have anything to chew on they will grind their bills together to make a sort of crunching noise. This crunching noise is a vocabulary unto itself. What it basically means is, I'm bored, do something….now! The need to chew is probably symbolic of the never-ending growth cycle of a bird's beak. It doesn't stop growing so chewing on objects is the bird's natural way of checking the growth of its own beak. Regardless of the necessity of said chewing, it does not endear the bird to its owner any more than tornadoes endear us to trailer parks. Oh yes, and if the bird has nothing to chew on, and gets bored chewing it's own beak, it will preen.

Preening is an activity that takes up about 75 percent of the Cockatiel's day. First the bird must dig deeply with its beak, under, around and over each and every feather on its body. This is a time-consuming process but the bird has nothing but time, so the job will get done. After the feathers are all cleaned, then the bird goes to work on its own hide, picking off dead pieces of skin and depositing them on a person's shirt sleeve. When the whole process is finally finished, the bird gives a mighty shake and sends bits of bird dander and feathers flying everywhere. Then it starts all over again.

Most Cockatiels have a one-word vocabulary. It consists of, and I quote…”screech!” This one word is spoken in two different ways, at high volume and at top volume. High volume will hurt your ears, especially if the bird is perched on your shoulder when he says it. Top volume will pop your eardrum, which makes me wonder if every Cockatiel on the planet is stone cold deaf. High volume is used when the bird wishes to make a statement regarding its own situation. It can stand for everything from, “it's cold in this meat locker; get me a furnace pronto,” to, “I hate humans but I let them live because they feed me.”

Top volume is reserved for those moments when the bird suspects that it is being ignored. This is intolerable and must be dealt with swiftly. The further away the bird owner is, the louder the complaint from the ignored bird. So, basically, if I am in Florida and the bird is in Michigan, watch out. Glass is scheduled to break within the borders of five states. The screeching does not stop until either one of two things happens. Either the bird drops over dead or it gets its own way, one or the other.

Cockatiels will climb the insides of their cages as if they are jungle gyms, dangling from either their claws or their beaks. They will hang themselves by their beaks from the roof of the cage and kick their feet furiously in mid-air hoping to get purchase on something. Cockatiels will spin completely around backwards in mid-air with their heads firmly connected to the roof of the cage. It is quite unnerving the first time you witness a bird spinning its head completely around backwards like an owl. It brings to mind a young Linda Blair in the film, “The Exorcist.” If your cockatiel starts spewing pea soup and develops a voice similar to Darth Vader's, watch out.

All of the theatricals and dance steps are done to inform the bird's owner that the bird is ready for some out-of-cage time, and you will ignore that request at your own peril as the bird will simply make its demands louder and louder until you respond favorably. Cockatiels automatically assume that all humans are hearing impaired so they do their very best to make themselves known to one and all. Having tantrums is not above them. In fact, it is second nature.

The cockatiel “tizzy” consists of clinging to the side of the cage and rapidly beating the wings against the bars, creating an effect similar to a very large humming bird. If this doesn't work, it will be accessorized by some clever head spinning, and glass shattering. If that also doesn't work, the cockatiel will furiously pummel its little mirror toy into submission. If that last ditch effort does not work, the cockatiel will assume you have either died or gone stupid, and it will attempt to lift the door of its own cage itself. It will succeed in doing so too, if it works at it long enough. Cockatiels only pretend to be dumber than people. In reality, they are the ones writing the bird owner's book.

Cockatiels are kissers too. They will nibble and smooch your face for hours on end. All you have to do is eat something in the bird's presence and the nibbling will commence. This is the their way of saying, “I saw you eat that morsel right in front of a poor, starving birdie. How could you do that, you bad human?” They will kiss you until you give in and let them have a taste of what you are eating. They will bite it once, and never touch it again in order to return to nibbling your face. What you have in your mouth is seventy times tastier than what you offered to the bird, -- even if it is the same exact stuff.

Basically, the only language lesson you need to learn from a Cockatiel is this…do for me, and do for me right now. If you don't do for me right this second, I will call the pet owner's police and then you'll be sorry. You don't think that birds know how to use the telephone? Ha! That's just what they would like you to think.

Sunday, June 22, 2008


Met with two girls carrying water, balancing big jars on their heads. I could sense that they would have much rather have been care free, running, laughing, dancing, playing with friends. They were shy, and wouldn't talk to me... not in words... I spent a fair amount of time trying to have some kind of dialogue... here's what I came up with:

It's all about balance.

If you hold yourself still and stand tall, and carry your burdens in a vertical way, they are much easier than if you "shoulder" them or "handle" them or lug them around. I couldn't imagine how they would have been able to carry those large pots full of water if they'd had to carry them the "regular" way. It's like the balance and the centeredness of carrying something on your head... well... there's something there... some metaphysical notion... that I'm not able to verbalize.

Amber Canyon

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Pay Attention

I spoke with a wonderful woman today. She was painting a hat. She said. "Of course, if people come to you for help, you should help them. But take your time and be meticulous. No need to rush anything. And when a dream comes or an idea, yes let it flow through you, and express it. Just be sure to pay attention to the details."

Interestingly, this came right on the heels of an idea I had for a kind of "dial a shaman/healer" hot line.

Amber Canyon

Friday, June 20, 2008

Thunderbird comes dancing

Thunderbird comes dancing to his bride. That's the image for today. And all I could think of was the little birds I'm getting on Sunday.

Amber Canyon

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Max and Tory

tory and max

max and tory

Meet Max and Tory. It looks like I'm going to be adopting them on Sunday. Why? Because one of them keeps talking to me. He talks to me in my mind and I keep telling him, "No, I don't need any birds!" and he just keeps right on talking to me about where am I going to put the cage and other bird-like chatter. And I keep saying, "No, if I wanted a bird - which I don't - I'd get an Amazon Gray - a cool intelligent bird, not a goofy little cockatiel."

So, finally, I have given in and I'm going to adopt them. I'm curious to see what comes of it. I am wondering where this will ultimately lead.

Taking care

A Hupa woman, beautiful and serene in her womanliness, smoothed the hair away from my face, cupped her hand under my chin, and said,

"You must take care of yourself. Take care of yourself first. What happens is you don't have anyone else really to take care of, so you don't stay in your body. You spend too much time in your mind, and the household things, and the care of the body suffers. When you get up, take that time to take care of yourself, save that other for later. Groom the body, feed it properly, take better care and you will have more strength, and more energy. Alone it is harder to do this, so the effort must be made."

Amber Canyon

Native American Music Playlist

I found this nifty widget and thought it might be cool to share here. It also occurred to me that I could use this as a sort of "wish" list so that if I ever find myself at Borders, with money, I'd have an idea of what the various albums might sound like. So, enjoy!

OOPS! Looks like it isn't playing anymore! What's up with that?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

False Face

"Take your false face off.
There is no need to throw your hands up in despair!"

Amber Canyon

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Salmon For Dinner

So today I learned about spearing salmon. The person I talked to seemed very relaxed and at ease yet focused and intent.

He said, "You just watch and wait, then when the time is right - BAM - spear the fish. No hesitation. Quick and easy. And if he gets away, that's ok, another one will be along soon enough."

And I wondered what this all had to do with me here and now, and he smiled at me and said, "I don't know. All I know is that if you want salmon for dinner, this is how to do it."

He had such a relaxed easy confidence about him. Reminded me of Daniel's dream about how if we just stopped trying so hard, we'd be able to manifest whatever we wanted.

Amber Canyon

Monday, June 16, 2008

A Stormy Day

It was a stormy day at a Flathead encampment. Squalls moving through. When I turned to it I had to laugh. I had just gotten into an arugument with my oldest daughter. We were both angry.

As I meditated on the picture, "This too shall pass," is what came to me.

Amber Canyon

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Frying Your Phish

Frying Your Phish

Hey guys! I made art today! This is the second in my "Fire in the Belly" series. The original actually looks quite a bit better than this quick scan.

My "inner" Mom

A warm moment with an Ogalala woman. So much like a mom - the feeling was - she hugged me and I saw her doing her work, keeping her tipi clean and tidy, the cooking fires going, etc. and I saw me doing my work when my kids were little - and it was the same and I had this strong feeling that she was "in" me, and her energy was going to be with me and help me today.

It was a very nice meditation. Really comforting. I love my "inner" mom.

Side note: This nice energy stayed with me all day, and I was able to do an astonishing amount of stuff around the house! It was just great! I should revisit her more often!

Amber Canyon

Saturday, June 14, 2008

A Third Eye Camera?

I love it when a simple search for images turns up something really really interesting. Here's what the search for "third eye" turned up!


What is it?

It's a 4”x5” camera made from Aluminium, Titanium, Brass, Silver, Gem Stones and a 150 year old skull of a 13 year old girl. Light and time enters at the third eye, exposing the film in the middle of the skull.

What is the third eye?

After omming with Hamatsa, I thought it might be interesting to do a little research and find out more about the third eye. Here's what wikipedia has to say about it:

The third eye (also known as the inner eye) is a metaphysical and esoteric concept referring in part to the ajna chakra in certain Eastern and Western spiritual traditions. It is also spoken of as the gate that leads within to inner realms and spaces of higher consciousness. In New Age spirituality, the third eye may alternately symbolize a state of enlightenment or the evocation of mental images having deeply-personal spiritual or psychological significance. The third eye is often associated with visions, clairvoyance, precognition, and out-of-body experiences, and people who have developed the capacity to use their third eyes are sometimes known as seers.

In Hinduism and Buddhism, the third eye is a symbol of enlightenment. In the Indian tradition, it is referred to as the jnana-chaksu, the eye of knowledge, which is the seat of the 'teacher inside' or antar-guru. The third eye is the sixth chakra. This is commonly denoted in Indian and East Asian iconography with a dot, eye or mark on the forehead of deities or enlightened beings, such as Shiva, the Buddha, or any number of yogis, sages and bodhisattvas. This symbol is called the "Third Eye" or "Eye of Wisdom", or, in Buddhism, the urna. In Hinduism, it is believed that the opening of Shiva's third eye causes the eventual destruction of the universe.

In the Upanishads, a human being is likened to a city with ten gates. Nine gates (eyes, nostrils, ears, mouth, urethra, anus) lead outside to the sensory world. The third eye is the tenth gate and leads to inner realms housing myriad spaces of consciousness.

According to Max Heindel's Rosicrucian writings, called Western Wisdom Teachings, there are in the brain two small organs called the pituitary body and the pineal gland. This last gland is also called by medical science as "the atrophied third eye"; however, these teachings describe that none of them are atrophying: the pituitary body and the pineal gland at the present time are neither evolving nor degenerating, but are dormant. It is said that in the far past, when man was in touch with the inner worlds, these organs were his means of ingress thereto, and they will again serve that purpose at a later stage.

According to this view, they were connected with the involuntary or sympathetic nervous system and to regain contact with the inner worlds (to reawaken the pituitary body and the pineal gland) it is necessary to establish the connection of the pineal gland and the pituitary body with the cerebrospinal nervous system. It is said that when that is accomplished, man will again possess the faculty of perception in the higher worlds (i.e. clairvoyance), but on a grander scale than it was in the distant past, because it will be in connection with the voluntary nervous system and therefore under the control of his will.

Ok... enough of that... how about some other third eye pictures?

Ha ha, too funny!

Well, would you look at that...
The paper towels are fighting again.

Oming with Hamatsa

Today I did Omming with Hamatsa, a very cheerful guy!

He had me make a mudra and then look up into my third eye and intone the mantra "omm". I sounded quite terrible, and he laughed and ruffled my hair and said, "try again." So I did it several times. And each time I was terrible. He laughed and said, "Well that needs some practice."

Amber Canyon

Your reverse ego

Shadows and reflections

My sister mentioned this in a recent email... her reverse ego... what an intersting thought... my reverse ego holds your reverse ego in high esteem! They are so important and interesting... like the long shadows that follow you around in the early morning and late afternoon hours...

When you were a kid, did you ever try to get away from your shadow? I did. I can remember spending hours and hours of trying to figure out how to walk the world with NO shadow. I had this idea that it would make me Magical and Special if I could only find the right technique. What I eventually came up with was... walk only with other larger people (or in the shadow of larger moving objects) and stay just in the right spot so that only THEIR shadow was visible... lay flat and burrow through tall grass... only go outside on a cloudy day or at night...

LOL... that was fun... thanks for reminding me!!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Trauma Drama At The Rez

For the last couple of days, I have had a really stressful experience what with my air conditioner breaking down, and me having the idea that I can't afford to have it fixed and then running around like a crazy person trying to find a window unit so that my dogs don't cook while I'm at work, and being really tired, and sweaty, and freaked out... you get the picture... and it's not a pretty one... Oh, and did I mention the heavy duty sinus headache that accompanied all of this?

So, here's the story. I came home from a long afternoon of helping a friend of mine get ready for a garage sale, I'm tired, I'm sweaty, and I'm wishing I didn't have to go to work the next day. I get home, and the house is warm and sweaty too. Finally, I figured out that my central air just up and quit on me. So, here I am irritated as hell, washing my clothes in the sink because I don't have a washer or a dryer, and now I'm fucking HOT! I said to myself, a normal person would be crying right about now. But my little spartan boy wasn't going to tolerate any of that pitiful weakness shit, so I was pissy instead...

Three hours of sleep later, I hauled my still sweaty self out of bed and made some histrionic phone calls which resulted in a little window air conditioning unit that had seen better days, but was still functional. I did some more bitching, and got my son-in-law James to come over and help me get it out of the car. We wrestled it into place (sweating and cursing) and I turned it on and wham... that deliciously cool air felt so good ... for about 3 seconds ... and then wham again... the left side of my face exploded as my sinuses started screaming YIKES! MOLD!!

So now I can't breathe out of the left side of my nose, and my eye feels like it's going to fall out, and I really REALLY really didn't want to go to work all sweaty and hot and sinus compacted, but it didn't make sense to stay home when I need money and that's one way to get it. So, I was driving to work, and I just really wanted to cry and scream and rage and bash my head against the wall... maybe even set my hair on fire...

But I didn't do any of those things! I drove quietly to work... and spent the rest of the day sullen and quiet instead of raging and screaming which is what I really wanted to do but it didn't seem appropriate at my workplace. Mean time, my sinuses are just throbbing and sore. It hurts to blink!

Now, I work in a place where "negativity" is discouraged, frowned upon, and generally regarded as a "sin" and I'm in probably the most negative frame of mind I've been for quite a while. So, I'm feeling a certain amount of peer pressure to give my bad mood a positive spin. And it occurs to me that maybe if I would have just let myself have a little breakdown complete with crying jag that maybe my sinuses wouldn't be totally stopped up, and maybe I'd be feeling a little bit better in my body.


So, that was yesterday, and today I'm still hurting. The little medicine man I visited with this morning poked his finger at my cheekbone and said, "You need to let those evil spirits out of there!" And I did try... then, when I was posting for The Prosperity Project, I came across this:

Cutting off the Feelings:

Firmly planted in his loved or despised mind, our man is unaware that he is deliberately controlling his body. It is his body, with which he has certain external contacts, but it is not he; he does not feel himself.

Assume now, that he has many things to cry about. Every time he is stirred to the point of tears, he nevertheless does not "feel like crying," and he does not cry; this is because he has long habituated himself not to be aware of how he is muscularly inhibiting this function and cutting off the feeling - for long ago it led to being shamed and even beaten.

Instead, he now suffers headaches, shortness of breath, even sinusitis. (These are now more things to cry about.) The eye muscles, the throat, the diaphragm are immobilized to prevent the expression and awareness of the coming crying. But this self-twisting and self-choking in turn arouse excitations (of pain, irritation, or flight) that must in turn be blotted out, for a man has more important arts and sciences for his mind to be busy with than the art of life and the Delphic self-knowledge.

~Paul Goodman

Does that guy have me figured out? or what??

Evil Spirits

I'm sick today... my sinuses are totally stopped up... my eye feels like it's about to fall out of my head... pretty miserable. And so it was really fun and interesting to turn immediately to a little medicine man... a snake dancer and hugger... He poked a finger at my cheekbone and said, "You need to get those evil spirits out of there!"

Amber Canyon

My Back Yard

So... this is my back yard. Ever since I came back from Texas, I've been just totally in love with all the green.

Maybe I need a lawn mower?

Looks like I need a lawnmower, doesn't it? My one little sheep isn't keeping up with it too well is she? I think the grass is over her head in some places.

My Back Yard

And this is my pond. It's pretty full right now what with all the rain. Believe it or not, there are actually a gagillion goldfish who live here. They share the space with snapping turtles, snakes, crawdads, and dragonflies. I'm sure there are other fish too, but the goldfish are the only ones I ever see. Early mornings a heron comes and stalks the pond. I can see her out my living room window. It's pretty cool.

Cinnamin at the Pond

Cinnamin loves the pond. If you look at the image full size you can see the sunflower seeds floating on the water. I had just got done "feeding the ducks" and she was curious about what I was throwing into the water.


And here's a picture of that wonderful cottonwood tree where the Leaf Dancers live. It's right outside the window of my meditation room, and I've really been enjoying it. I sit, with the window open, watching the leaves move, listening to the wind move them. Wow.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Leaf Dancers

Here they are!
I love them so much!

Don't know what I'm talking about? You can read about them here.
And yes, I know my video skills still suck.

Being Open

The first page I turned to was titled "The Oath" - it was very quiet and sacred. When I made myself open for whatever communication I might receive, I was met with: "Shhhh. Can't you see how important this is? We do this so we can live."

So I turned to another page and got an image of baskets and a message, "Just be open to receiving."

Amber Canyon

NOTE: This was the day of the Trauma Drama at the Rez. Not only was I open to receiving a free air conditioner, I also received a mega allergy attack. Thankfully those "evil spirits" are now gone!


I was researching for images for a Prosperity Project post on pleasure vs pain. And, oh by the way... Here's a heads up guys!

Don't put the word pleasure into a google search if your "safe search" filter isn't on. Well... I don't know... on the other hand, if you're always using that safe search filter, and you want to cruise the "wild" side... maybe you should... just somthing to think about...

Anyway... after washing my eyeballs out with lye soap... and soaking my brain in a 90% solution of bleach... I came back to a more comfortable reality and found this cute little thingy...

Cyanide and Happiness
Cyanide and Happiness by shirleytwofeathers on Zooomr

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Being In My Body

Probably you haven't been following my posts on "Living By The Book" probably because I haven't been posting them very regularly, and then when I do put them up, I back-date them which effectively buries them... And I'm sure you didn't see the post about "Do first, talk later" because I only just now posted it...

Yes, it's getting late, and no this isn't a trick of some kind, and yes I did think that emptying the bathtub with the bucket was a good idea, and soon I'll be taking up basket weaving, and no this doesn't really make any sense, and yes I know this. However, I am going to make a point here ... I think.

So that day, I think it was June 1st or something like that, I did go and take a ritual bath, and it was really really good. And while I was scraping all of the daily bullshit off my aura, and the grunge off my body, it occured to me that in order to really be an effective channeler of energy, in order to fully connect to the earth itself and to the living beings that surround me, it just might be important to be fully connected to my own physical body, to really feel and really inhabit this woman body that I live in...

Now I realize that you might be thinking... well duh! That's a no brainer! And I did know this on an intellectual level ... HOWEVER ... this was the first time that I really "got" it at an instinctual gut level. How important it is. So... That's what I came here to say tonight.

Each one helps the other...

Young men bringing willows to the Sun Dance Sweat Lodge. I could hear them milling about whooping and hollering. And I asked then, "What does this mean for me?" And one of them said, "We do what we can to help the others. We are all connected. By helping them, we help ourselves." Something like that, it was more of a picture and a feeling than actual words.

And I thought about Daniel, and how I'm going to help him today. Which brought to mind a Bible verse I really love, "Each one helps the other, saying to one another, take courage."

Amber Canyon

The Bathtub Test

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which define whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

tub spout

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

My first video!

So here ya go. My first video ever! And it wasn't that hard either. Yeah, I know it would be better if it was right side up... details... details...

So, now that I have the first one under my belt I'm ready to go for the gold. You know, the one that will go viral in a matter of hours, the one that will be seen my millions of people all over the world...

It goes something like this. Daniel sets his hair on fire while I roll on the floor laughing. And the purpose of that video would be??? Well, to sell my art, of course!

Rambling thoughts on Creativity and Bloodletting

So today I was thinking about how on the blog, I'll go along posting something really serious and insightful and then I'll have a spurt of totally stupid (sometimes funny) stuff as if to negate or to offset all that seriosity. Kind of like the person who says something really heartfelt and real, and then they laugh... which, by the way, I do that too.... interesting...

So I was wondering what it was that was so serious as to bring forth the Church of Google and Escape Plan #452810b and I realized it was because of the realization that for me fear = creativity. And when I thought about it and took it one step further, I realized that I believed that to be authentic, honest, and real, you have to be suffering - which brought me to the Exploring Emotions exercise at the prosperity project. And I'm thinking that if I could just be RELAXED, then I'd find it possible to be Real and Creative and Authentic all with a MINIMAL amount of fear and suffering.

And while I was thinking about that, I was reminded of the story of Kali, which sent me on an Internet search for images that brought me to Chinnamasta, the goddess who cuts off her own head. I love this picture. I think I'm going to recreate it. I'll buy a canvas and paint her. Big, Bold, and Bloody. I could put the painting .... hmmm ..... ..... where??

Plan of action

The chief of the souts, returning to the main party, tells what he has seen and experienced. While the he speaks, the war leader stands slightly in advance of his man and carfully listening to the words of the scout quickly forms his plan of action.


My plan of action for today - relaxation is the focus, interestingly, bloodletting was also involved!

Amber Canyon

Monday, June 9, 2008

Just call me Reverend Shirley

OK, so I got so enthusiastic about the Church of Google, that I became a Minister. Yes! I am now a bonafide MINISTER in the Church of Google! Don't believe me?

Here's proof:

Looking for answers to life's bigger questions? You've come to the right place!
Custom Search

Our Mission Statement:
Seek and ye shall find! Ask and ye shall receive! Knock and the door shall be opened unto you!

My Sister's Newest Book

my bad

So my sister sent me a draft of her newest book. Did I tell you she is a writer? She is! And she actually writes books! Not only does she start them, she also finishes them. And sometimes she even writes them in code!! Check this out! When I opened the file, this is what it said:

ÓQ"L^=ú·o?äåEŒ‚8MÂWVaþèÏþÿüÿ1/49J‡‹Y˜-o'ä/oyuZó-ß}-§á,ÈŸ¤ó0áÅqšÍ‚‚o³Éw³ "YÌÓÙ(¢AGÅê"§ÇÇ珪·I_=ZdÉËê--Ï¢a-æ鸐?y(tm)ŽÇÑ0¬3/4Ô'}Îç-y]Y}âwYs†4ɧѯßmöGߍGœÖorkzˆÛY\ÿÞrþ9Ÿ6Ê‚%÷1‹Ëc/Ól4ÏÒa˜çüôºñîOŽMŸ]PÞâî/çëŸYŸdDÉÝÛw´îÿîòžpyß•Ÿý1/4Õ§
1/44HG+ù:÷-/áÅÑO¯-?¿ 9{sò¨þÑu8
ùËÛ ~õh-†Ù£ïä§Yùbö6MŠœ_òa1/2zt(tm)Eײ91/2Lòæ÷Ã1/4~'?ÿ(r)ú{3/4Îå}äëáØ
'h'ƒþ ˜›ƒ•Ä9ø$¥ku°'
-úôÍñåóë"4ŏ䣎OÏž]=¿ºûa#w±þë*Pª~Ô Ùüçb‡œBå/(r)ÈŽ?kŒü×úå§Çå
{Ið/ÌiõÅÕ1ÿ0_ÁàNh:LwxóÊB­Ëâ Ë(r)
àNdâ‹2ºë†~ùrõWkUùªtw}Ÿtý£†XW2e_ôPmµ¿(r)k¢whE4ëIe*kc#T)ü PÀ¿ñ(L>Kq3/4¸¿ÐÚÎõW$ÝÉÅÓ"˳Úì÷q@å-ð¿/)k"BPs
W&µ¸-ù<Š "a ³Ûð'r}Ç‹Bì2öy'ˆ' qxä­Ã]œèÞ³1/4Ç^Ï"'Xó0ÆϱÛSø¥‹¢s¦ZE8OÎN(r)(96ÌÛ-Õƒ6'L1/4‰ 1žåøêâÅÉUg ƒ,^y³4KÄ j_Y" ]KôÅäñƒù<'B ÆOÖ>{Ê鋤¡æ=9ØÆ"ßñëã"7Ÿœ~"ê}Ççÿ°òÆY"Ë"vOJ"G.OϏOw+Bþ'÷¯ÁíÊû3/4Å!;~>1/2ró~J
aVx!Xéý¹Û¸Åd"ÿ/.Nßœõ 'ÆYºTÚhS£E³yšÑo2
d"ÊŸE"iáM¢î"K8ÞË,‡(tm)­1/4¥Yœzc5‚}Óm]œ?=~¶[+ì¿3}`oNI'(c)ä1B\¤eºˆGÞ$,H"qyï",,Ù(tm)œLÉÝG*oŸ-åN¹Ù8æ7Lsñúüüúy*ã±ñ1/2QU)¬YØ9Ìþ5wÎ...Ìç÷\GotÈÃ!l..._ÙfŽ]ÂÇq""!Š%£mËËC'2†£Ð›F³öG7µpoé=6£7c€<ÃØýôÆô•p,†Ó w4¯h´ñãè†ü¯-ÏÃ!}}Þ(Œ±'†ö†4uûªvɬzÇ¡m~´QÏæ bý•>ò
J6W~@-‡á ÷*(tm)š'ÏPÖ/ÀóSÕ'¨Ó°V¸º ;àÿœzQAù7

And I'm like.... huh??? Ok, Gracie, I'm pretty intelligent, but hey, I'm not THAT smart! Well, whenever I am confronted with a problem, I turn to the Church of Google. Through which I was directed to a program that might possibly decipher it. I have downloaded said program twice now, and both times my internet connection has gone away before the download was complete.

So, I'm wondering... is this some sort of Alien Cypher? Did you CHANNEL this book from Andromeda? or Sirius? or... the Pleides? Is there an alien conspiracy working to ensure that this book is never read by simple humans like me?

Spear Fishing

Found myself watching a spear fisherman. He wanted me to be very quiet and still. Explaining that as the mud in the water cleared the fish could be seen resting at the bottom.

So I sat very still, but my mind was as restless as the leaves on the cottonwood tree outside my window. And it occurred to me that too much sugar, too many too late nights on the computer were acting to cause sludge and turbulence, making it hard to see what I am looking at.

Patience is needed. And stillness. Quiet persistence. Focus.

Amber Canyon

Escape plan # 452810b

Looking for the light at the end of the tunnel?


Isn't that just about par for the course?

I don't know about you, but sometimes it sure seems like that's how it works for me!

Things You Should Know About Shirley

My sister, bless her heart, kept a word-for-word dictation of my thoughts and feelings about Me. Wanna hear it? I was angry and frustrated and depressed that day, so it's quite a rant.

  • Shirley isn’t good enough,
  • Shirley doesn’t make good decisions,
  • Shirley is a failure and Shirley is a fraud.
  • Shirley should stop whining and complaining and start taking care of business.
  • Shirley should stop sabotaging every good thing that comes to her.
  • Shirley should stop being embarrassed about all the things she knows how to do and start fucking doing them.
  • Shirley shouldn’t badmouth Shirley all the time.
  • Shirley should stop relying on other people’s opinions instead of her own.
  • Shirley needs to stop looking for validation outside of herself.
  • Shirley should practice what she preaches; she should use her skills that she has and use what she knows.
  • Shirley should stop avoiding and start wading into what is right in front of her.
  • Shirley needs to practice unconditional love.
  • Shirley spends too much time on the computer.
  • Shirley is hiding out.
  • Shirley is an outcast -
  • Shirley will do anything to avoid humiliation including and especially living a full life.
  • Shirley doesn’t deserve good things because she is a fraud.
  • Shirley is fraudulent because she isn’t authentic in the way she lives, acts, or thinks.
  • Shirley needs to do something scary every day or at least every week.
  • Shirley needs to go out side every day.
  • Shirley isn’t special, wonderful or loved;
  • God doesn’t like Shirley.
  • She isn’t safe in the world.
  • Shirley isn’t as spiritual as other people think she is.
  • If people really knew Shirley, they would find her too intense and they woudn’t like her at all.
  • She would get on their nerves.
  • Shirley isn’t a good artist – she’s lucky - her pieces are accidents and other people are being nice but they don’t really mean it – or they don’t know any better.
  • Shirley isn’t wise – that is why her life is such a mess.
  • Shirley’s got so little compassion and love her youngest won’t speak to her and she judges her oldest severely.
  • If Shirley were successful she would not be in debt.
  • Shirley has no relationship with a lover –
  • Shirley is untouchable - Impregnable, safe, powerful, and mean.

Well, so now you know... Yes, it's all true... Yes, it isn't true at all... I'm so silly sometimes! How about you? What do you say about you when the shit hits the fan?

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Drumming and Dancing

So today a Klamath grandfather said to me, "Well come on. Let's do some drumming... some dancing."

So I did. I felt really awkward and stupid at first, dancing around with my little remo hand drum, but then I put the drum on the top of my head, and I could feel the vibration spilling down into my body and it was very invigorating.


Amber Canyon

Check this out! I'm PURPLE!!

What color is your soul painted?


Your soul is painted the color purple, which embodies the characteristics of sensuality, spirituality, creativity, wealth, royalty, nobility, mystery, enlightenment, arrogance, gaudiness, mourning, confusion, pride, delicacy, power, meditation, religion, and ambition. Purple falls under the element of Earth, and was once a European symbol of royalty; today it symbolizes the divine.

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