Thinking About Osho

So, I've been thinking about that Osho Zen Tarot reading I got yesterday on the situation with my mother. Haven't really done more than think about it.... And when I say think about it, the truth is that I haven't been thinking about what the reading actually said. No. I've been simply thinking about the reading in a more general way... like... well... "Wow... that was great..." and "Osho was really spot on..." That kind of thing....

... I am so sorry, but this post has been moved to my new website, Hey It's Me, hosted at shirleytwofeathers.com, and can be found in its entirety here: Thinking About Osho

My Flag Of Surrender

So, the 30 days of Begging (over at The Prosperity Project) is completed, and I did have a small epiphany when writing the post about my thoughts on the subject. I even found a picture to illustrate said epiphany - and here it is, a perfect illustration of the way in which I submit to authority and admit defeat:

Looking for Opie

Did you ever have a dream that was so cool, so real, and so vivid that not only do you know it "means" something, you'd also like to figure out a way to get back into it and make it come true in your real waking life?

OK so... this post and other cool stuff can be found at my new website, Hey It's Me, which is hosted at shirleytwofeathers.com

About 2 weeks ago, I had one of those. And then a series of events have happened to underscore it, and tonight I'm taking steps to say to the Universe, to tell the powers that be, "Hey - I'm up for it!"

So, here's the dream:

In the dream, I hooked up with Opie, one of the bikers on the Sons of Anarchy. We had great sex, we had real love, and it was so so good! Now, interestingly, my ex-husband (now deceased) and Opie look really a lot alike. Here's something else that's interesting. When Mike (my ex) really began to slide towards the other side, I started to see him in my dreams more and more.

After he died, I began to see him every where I went. On the way to the viewing I saw him about 6 different times. I thought that the viewing would make his passing seem more real to me, but just the opposite happened. Now he doesn't seem dead at all. Often he comes to me in dreams... that feeling of closure I had when the divorce was finalized is gone and it feels to me like we are connected in some deep irredeemable way.

But, back to the dream... no... wait... here are some pictures. The first one is Opie, the second one is my ex.





That being said, back to the dream. Opie and I hooked up, fell in love, had great sex, and then he had some business to take care of and I had to go to work. We decided to go someplace cool over the weekend,and I drove to work. When I parked the car, I saw that there were ripe black blackberries growing just beyond the parking lot. They looked so ripe and so good that I decided to go into "Heavenly Pets" (that's where I was working) and get a bowl to put them in.

This is how good they looked:



So, I go into the shop, and the place is a mess, dog hair everywhere. One of my daughters was there and I said, "We better get this place cleaned up!" But first, I wanted to find a bowl for the blackberries. So, I go outside with the bowl, all ready to have some yummy fruit, and this woman comes charging up to the door with her dog (Heavenly Pets is a dog grooming salon), all pissy and wanting to come in. I said to her, "We don't open until 8 o'clock."

She says, "It's ten after nine!"

And I'm like... Fuck Me! And then, people with dogs started pouring out of cars and mobbing the front door. I gave up on the collecting the fruit idea and went back into the shop only to find that it was now a really horrible mess in there. Dog shit everywhere - piles and piles of it. Dogs running around loose. Dog hair. Dirt. It's chaos and really really gross. My other daughter has decided to pull all the cages out and clean under them. And I'm running around cleaning up shit, and shit, and even more shit! Then, we pull out a cage and underneath it is a dead cow. A whole cow, dessicated and flat, but a cow nonetheless... I'm like... what a bunch of crap! Literally! 10 times worse than this!



Suddenly, I remembered about Opie... and how we were in love, and going to do something cool. So I told everyone (my coworkers) that I was "no longer a virgin" and that I had a cool biker dude... Next thing you know, he shows up. Looking all cute, wearing his "cut," and ready to go. In the picture, (it's really hard to find a good Opie pic) he looks kind of intense, in the dream, he was all smiling and cute.



And I'm thinking... "Damn! How can I leave now, with all this shit to clean up?" I could feel myself beginning to make the decision to stay and clean the never ending piles of shit and death, when I suddenly woke up. Wide awake. Dream so vivid in my mind! And right then and there, I decided that given a choice love vs shit, freedom vs work, cute biker vs dead cow, I'm going for love, freedom, and cute...

I told my daughter about it, and she was sure that I'd never find a biker or a biker type that was anywhere near anyone I'd have anything in common with. But then, I found Shaman Hawk's post about being a Shaman and I'm thinking he has that "biker" look and that "biker" attitude. Not only that, but (like Opie) he had a thing with a porn star... and one of the girls at work who encouraged me that maybe I should go looking for a biker... well, her name is Donna. Which is the name of Opie's dead wife. Coincidences... maybe... signs and portents... also maybe... I dunno.

Anyway, tonight I'm hanging out at bonifide biker bars with my friend Sequoiah. (Another interesting coincidence since Shaman Hawk's girlfriend's name is also Sequioah.) This is my way of making it clear to "the powers that be" that I absolutely choose freedom, love, fun, and cute over work, death, and shit. As Shaman Hawk would say, you "gotta do the pictures."

More weirdness and strange stories can be found on my new website: Hey It's Me

Please Do Your Part!

Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to say hello to at least one unstable person.

Hello there dear reader!

Well, my job's done!

Not Giving Up On Love

Check this out - I may have found the dating site that's right for me! I know my man Stan will be disappointed, but let's face it, he just isn't quite what I need. This new dating site promises to be interesting... and I'm sure that I'll be able to find the love of my life!

Created by Mingle2.com

Take a look at this guy! He's kind of cute, don't you think? Isn't that a nice smile? And such big eyes!

Find more fun stuff about looking for love on my new website: Hey It's Me

Parenting Fail?

I found this today on Yahoo, and I thought it was interesting... and also annoying! Here is a man, a person with billions of dollars, a "success" in life, maybe he's even a good person... I don't know... But here he is giving the best advice he's ever received and it's totally useless to me in terms of money and success.

"The power of unconditional love. I mean, there is no power on earth like unconditional love. And I think that if you offered that to your child, I mean you’re 90 percent of the way home. There may be days when you don’t feel like it, it’s not uncritical love, that’s a different animal, but to know you can always come back, that is huge in life. That takes you a long, long way. And I would say that every parent out there that can extend that to their child at an early age, it’s going to make for a better human being." ~Warren Buffett

One of the things I can for sure say about my parents - despite all the shit they put me through, despite all the shit I put them through, I always knew they loved me. I always knew I could "come home" and be welcomed with open arms. Even if that meant there'd be a fair amount of "preaching" and "sermonizing" and criticism, even if it meant they'd never really "get" me... it was always there... their love for me.

And yet - I'm not rich. As a matter of fact, not only am I not rich, I'm not comfortable, well off, or even just OK. I'm scrambling all the time to make ends meet. Nor am I successful on any level from which I would measure success. I'm not at all happy or satisfied with my life, not at all. As a matter of fact, just yesterday I was contemplating how pleasurable it would be to just walk right out of it.

So how useful is it, really, to have received unconditional love from your parents? I don't know... it sounds good, it feels good, but how has it helped me? Am I a better human being? Better than what? Better than who? Of course on the other hand, without it, maybe I'd be living in a box under a bridge nursing my heroin habit - or maybe I'd be in prison - or long dead... But maybe not, maybe I would have pulled myself up by my own bootstraps and made a better "go" at it!

Just yesterday, my friend Michelle was telling me this story about a woman who was on, of all things, the Tyra Banks Show. As I remember it, the story goes as follows:

Her mother died when she was 10, her abusive stepfather put her in foster care where she was raped and abused, she ended up on the street, a prostitude at the age of 11, got hooked on drugs, a pretty terrible life. Worse than mine, that's for sure. And then one day, when she was in her 40's, something happened, I don't remember what, and she got her act together went school, studied law, and became a lawyer. Now, she's a "success" and I bet she has money! So... there you have it... I doubt if she ever had unconditional parental love, even once. And yet, if you measure her life against mine - she'd win hands down.

On the other hand, what if... and this is the other thing I was thinking about after I watched the video... what if... I made a conscious decision to meet everyone, every single person I see, with that attitude of unconditional love. What would happen to my life then? What if, despite the fact that I really really really dislike my neighbors - what if, I met them with an attitude of no barriers, and unconditional love. And what if I went to my job, that I don't enjoy at all, and instead of being all closed into my fatigue, resentment, boredom, and intense desire to run away screaming... what if instead of all that, I simply met each experience with an attitude of unconditional love. What if there was an openess and an acceptance of ... whoa nelly! I can't believe I'm going to actually say this... an unconditional loving of me - screwed up mess that I am...

Now that just might be pretty powerful! Question is, can I do it? Bigger question, will I even attempt it?

Ok, so now that I've talked it to death, here's the video:

You Know You've Watched Too Many Vampire Shows When

You know you've watched too many vampire shows when you are walking through a veterinary clinic and happen to see an IV bag full of blood on the counter, and your first thought is, "Yummy!"

And guess what? I did that just yesterday. So it really does look like I've been watching too many vampire shows. How many is too many? Here's the list:

First I watched the entire 7 seasons of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" back to back. Every single night it was 3 episodes of Buffy. Then I rented every single vampire movie I could find at my little video store. I watched "Twilight" and "New Moon" with my granddaughter, (very high school - I can see why she likes it). Then I worked my way through "Moonlight," a fluffy little series, but not too bad. And now I've started in on "Blood Ties" which is actually pretty good. And as soon as the second season of "True Blood" comes out I'll be biting into that one.

Not only that, I've been playing Vampire Wars on Facebook, and having wonderfully satisfying fantasies about when I am a vampire who will I kill. So, it's been vampires on my mind pretty much for several months now.

And then, I open my email this morning only to find out that I'm dead. Or, more accurately one of the living dead, or possibly an even better description would be that I have joined the ranks of the undead, which is quite similar to but not the same as the not dead.

The not quite "normal and sane" part of me is hoping that I'll somehow manage to become a real vampire - maybe by osmosis - so that I can be forever cool and dangerous. Instead of what I actually am, which is ... well... not cool and not dangerous... and I just want my life to be ... well... more interesting!

So, do you suppose that's possible? To become a vampire, I mean? Maybe all these vampire movies could actually begin work on my DNA. The Hawaiian Kahunas believe that you are what you think about! And if that did happen would I miss the sun? Would I be sorry later? And what if it turned out that I was just as uncool and not dangerous in the vampire world as I am in the real world? And what if I really am cool and dangerous, right here, right now, today, I just don't know it? And why do I want to be dangerous anyway?

OMG - I'm Dead!

Imagine my surprise this morning when I checked my mail only to find this Google Web Alert for: shirley gibson.

Shirley Gibson Obituary or Memoriam: Shirley Gibson's Obituary by ...
Online obituary or memoriam for Shirley Gibson. Read Shirley Gibson's life story , offer tributes/condolences, send flowers or create a Shirley Gibson online ...
legacy.com/obituaries/denverpost

And of course, now everyone will know my real name isn't Twofeathers, but it doesn't matter since I'm dead. Or, more accurately one of the living dead, and if you are even the slightest bit interested, you can read all about it here.

So Here We Have It

I found my dream job today, adopted a new Credo, uploaded some photographs to support myself. And here I am, all decked out and ready to go for it:

This Pretty Much Sums Me Up Today

I remember my youth and the feeling that will never come back any more—the feeling that I could last for ever, outlast the sea, the earth, and all men; the deceitful feeling that lures us on to joys, to perils, to love, to vain effort—to death; the triumphant conviction of strength, the heat of life in the handful of dust, the glow in the heart that with every year grows dim, grows cold, grows small, and expires—and expires, too soon, to soon—before life itself.

— Joseph Conrad

My Life As It Stands Right Now

So, well ok... if you haven't read them yet, you might as well read the two posts I just put up. One is about who I want to be in the world, and the other is about well... downloading a program of perfection from the casual body of God... if indeed that is possible, and am I really sure that I want to be perfect?

Clearly, I am dissatisfied with my life as it stands right now. A friend of mine watched Avatar on New Years Day. She liked it so much she actually watched it twice, the second time on IMAX, and she said that as she was driving home, the world looked so dull... and boring... and she was just aching to BE in the world of that movie. Maybe, given my current mood, that's the last movie I should watch. I already think my life is dull and lifeless, if I go see Avatar, it'll just be clearly even more dull and lifeless...

LSD... remember those days? I used to drop acid so that my life would be filled with color and meaning, and eventually I gave it up because I realized that it wasn't actually improving anything, that my real life was just as colorless and meaningless with LSD as it was without...

Now, I don't know. I just wish I could peel away the scales from my eyes and see a vibrant living world, full of color and meaning, interesting and exciting, and me a valuable player in it, a person with an important (and interesting) part to play. And probably this really is a vibrant living world, and I am no doubt surrounded by color and meaning, and it's very possible that I am a valuable and interesting part of it... BUT... I just can't see it.

So... maybe I'll rewrite the Violet Flame Download... maybe I'll even do it. Or maybe I'll just talk about doing it... and talk and talk... bla bla bla.... by the way, did I tell you about The Lord of the Rings yet? Looks like that'll be my next post.  Stay tuned.

A Visual Pictorial

Isn't it amazing how you can find, on the internet, in no time at all, a picture that says exactly what you want to say? Here we have a visual pictorial of exactly how I feel, showing in graphic detail - the inside of my brain! Wow!

Lost In The Woods

Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura,
ché la diritta via era smarrita.

Ok, I know this is crazy - but hey - so what! I went on a search for the Dante quote about the "dark wood" and what did I find? Thirty-Five, yes, thirty-five slightly different translations of that one famous qoute!! It was somewhat cathartic to read them all out loud... listening to my life in a nutshell over and over again... knowing that I'm actually reading great literature... So... now you can join me, we can be lost in the woods together! Number 34 is my favorite, what's yours?

1. Midway on our life's journey, I found myself
   In dark woods, the right road lost.
   (Robert Pinsky)


2. In the middle of the journey of our life
   I found myself astray in a dark wood
   where the straight road had been lost sight of.
   (Seamus Heaney)


3. Midway upon the road of our life
   I found myself within a dark wood,
   for the right way had been missed
   (???)


4. In the middle of the road of my life
   I awoke in the dark wood
   where the true way was wholly lost
   (???)


5. In the middle of my journey through life,
   a dark wood overcame me
   for I had lost my way.
   (???)


6. In the middle of our life's walk
   I found myself in a dark wood
   for the straight road was lost
   (???)


7. In the middle of the journey of our life
   I came to myself within a dark wood
   where the straight way was lost.
   (John D. Sinclair)


8. At the midpoint of the journey's life
   I found myself lost in a dark forest
   with no straight path I could see anywhere.
   (M.L. Rosenthal)


9. At midpoint of the journey of our life
   I woke to find me astray in a dark wood,
   perplexed by paths with the straight way at strife.
   (Geoffrey L. Bickersteth)


10. Midway life's journey I was made aware
    That I had strayed into a dark forest,
    And the right path appeared not anywhere.
    (Laurence Binyon)


11. Midway upon the journey of our life
    I found myself within a forest dark,
    For the straightforward pathway had been lost.
    (Henry Longfellow)


12. Midway upon the road of our life
    I found myself within a dark wood
    for the right way had been missed.
    (Charles Eliot Norton)


13. Midway through the journey of our life, I found
    myself in a dark wood, for I had strayed
    from the straight pathway to this tangled ground.
    (Palma)


14. Midway in the journey of our life
    I came to myself in a dark wood,
    for the straight way was lost.
    (Hollander)


15. Midway in our life's journey, I went astray
    from the straight road and woke to find myself
    alone in a dark wood.
    (Joan Ciardi)


16. Midway in the journey of our life
    I found myself in a dark wood,
    for the straight way was lost.
    (Charles Singleton)


17. Midway along the journey of our life
    I woke to find myself in some dark woods,
    for I had wandered off from the straight path.
    (Mark Musa)


18. Midway in the course of our life
    I found myself within a dark wood,
    where the right way was lost.
    (Rev. H.F. Tozer)


19. Midway in human life's allotted span,
    I found myself in a dark wood,
    where the straight path I sought in vain.
    (Ronald Bottrall)


20. In the midway of this our mortal life,
    I found me in a gloomy wood, astray
    Gone from the path direct
    (Henry F. Cary, Mario Praz)


21. Upon the journey of our life midway
    I came unto myself in a dark wood,
    For the straight path I had gone astray.
    (Jefferson B. Fletcher)


22. In the midst of my journey through this life of ours,
    I was in a dark forest,
    because I had lost the right road.
    (Allan Gilbert)


23. One night, when half my life behind me lay,
    I wandered from the straight lost path afar.
    Through the great dark was no releasing way
    (Wright)


24. When I had journeyed half of our life's way,
    I found myself within a shadowed forest,
    for I had lost the path that does not stray.
    (Allen Mandelbaum)


25. Halfway along the journey of our life,
    Having strayed from the right path and lost it,
    I awoke to find myself in a dark wood.
    (Harriet Rubin)


26. Halfway through the story of my life
    I came to in a gloomy wood, because
    I'd wandered off the path, away from the light
    (Ciaran Carson)


27. Halfway through our trek in life
    I found myself in this dark wood,
    miles away from the right road.
    (Steve Ellis)


28. Halfway through the journey we are living
    I found myself deep in a darkened forest,
    For I had lost all trace of the straight path.
    (James Finn Cotter)


29. Halfway along the path of this existence
    I found that I was in a gloomy wood,
    My right way being blotted by the distance.
    (Louis How)


30. Halfway along the road we have to go,
    I found myself obscured in a great forest,
    Bewildered, and I knew I had lost the way
    (Sisson, Oxford World Classics)


31. Halfway upon the road of our life,
    I came to myself amid a dark wood
    where the straight path was confused.
    (Arthur J. Butler)


32. Once, halfway through the journey of our life
    I found myself inside a shadowy wood,
    because the proper road had disappeared.
    (Sean O'Brien)


33. Half-way upon the journey of our life
    I roused to find myself within a forest
    In darkness, for the straight way had been lost.
    (Henry Johnson)


34. About halfway through the course of my pathetic life,
    I woke up and found myself in a stupor in some dark place
    (Birk and Sanders)


35. Just halfway through this journey of our life
    I reawoke to find myself inside
    a dark wood, way off course, the right road lost.
    (Tom Phillips)

Walking In The Dark

There is, therefore, a more perfect intellectual life in the angels. In them the intellect does not proceed to self-knowledge from anything exterior, but knows itself through itself.

~St. Thomas Aquinas

I found this quote today when I was adding to Way Cool Quotes. It really struck me because that's exactly what I've been mulling over recently. What I've been thinking about is how much I rely on what other people think, say, and do versus how little I rely on what I think about what I say and do. I'm constantly running to my friends, to books, to websites, etc. etc trying to figure out what to do... it's like I don't even know what I think until I know what every one else thinks.

What does it mean to know yourself through yourself? Am I afraid to trudge through those well worn pathways of gloom and defeat? Is that what I think I'll find if I explore my inner self? Do I just not see a single glimmer of light when I look inside? Am I struggling to find validation, acceptance, and love on the outer because I know that it will not or can not come from the inner? And what would it take to light that inner lamp, and give myself my own validation, acceptance, and love? How can I find that moment of nonjudgment and unconditional grace when I know all my faults and failures so intimately and hold them so close to my heart?

There is a quote from Dante's Inferno - how does it go.... something about a dark wood... (here it is) And that's where I find myself this morning, endarkened... What about you? Where do you find yourself today?

Wonderland!

'But I don’t want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can’t help that,' said the Cat.
'We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.'
'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice.
'You must be,' said the Cat. 'or you wouldn’t have come here.'

~Lewis Carroll

My Osho Card For Today

To transform breakdowns into breakthroughs is the whole function of a master. The psychotherapist simply patches you up. That is his function. He is not there to transform you. You need a meta-psychology, the psychology of the buddhas.

It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. It is the greatest risk because there is no guarantee that the breakdown will become a breakthrough. It does become, but these things cannot be guaranteed. Your chaos is very ancient - for many, many lives you have been in chaos. It is thick and dense. It is almost a universe in itself. So when you enter into it with your small capacity, of course there is danger. But without facing this danger nobody has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible.

Zen, or meditation, is the method which will help you to go through the chaos, through the dark night of the soul, balanced, disciplined, alert. The dawn is not far away, but before you can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.

~Osho

And Osho Says...

Not entirely satisfied with the I Ching Oracle had to say about how to go to work tomorrow without hating everyone, I decided to pull a card from the Osho Zen Tarot. Here's the card that I pulled.

You have to look for guidance because you don't know your inner guide is hidden inside you. You have to find the inner guide, and that's what I call your witness. That's what I call your dharma, that's what I call your intrinsic buddha. You have to awaken that buddha and your life will shower blessings, benediction. Your life will become so radiant with good, with godliness, more than you can possibly conceive.

It is almost like light. Your room is dark, just bring light in. Even a small candle will do, and the whole darkness disappears. And once you have a candle you know where the door is. You don't have to think about it: "Where is the door?" Only blind people think about where the door is. People who have eyes and the light is there, they don't think. Have you ever thought, "Where is the door?" You simply get up and go out. You never give a single thought to where the door is. You don't start groping for the door or hitting your head against the wall. You simply see, and there is not even a flicker of thought. You simply go out.

Osho God is Dead: Now Zen is the Only Living Truth

Ok... so I really DO have emotions... sometimes.

As some of you may remember, I spent my childhood working hard to be the "little spartan boy," and now, all these years later, he does indeed serve me well. For example:

My elderly senile dog, Jesse, fell into the pond last night and drowned. It was just awful. And then we had to bury him - I couldn't just set him aside for some future time when I was in the mood, or had the energy, the time, or the money to deal with it. And I don't have a real shovel, my shovel handles were either broken or burned earlier in the year when we had a series grass fires, so my son-in-law and I dug a hole with a pitchfork and our bare hands in the dark in wet heavy clay. And all the while, I'm feeling... well... nothing. Nothing at all. Nada.

And I thought to myself, well, that was awful, and it wasn't so bad. At least he's now in a better, happier place.

Today, however, my inner spartan let me down big time. When I get to work, and my boss was pissy and aggravated that I hadn't downloaded and transcribed by hand (my printer is on the fritz) a complete how-to on brewing kombucha tea. It was so much more important (to her) than anything that might have happened to me overnight, that suddenly, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had a meltdown and had to go home... I didn't think I would be able to stop crying, and I hate crying, especially when it's me doing it, but I did, and I got the goddamn kombucha tea recipe, posted it here, and wrote it out by hand on paper - 8 pages, I hope she enjoys her fucking tea!

So, now I have the rest of the day to get over it before I have to be at work in the morning, ready, willing, and able to work my ass off for not enough money to pay my bills, along with the required bowing and scraping, and I'm pretty sure that this is NOT what I had in mind when I planned how my life on earth would be.

And then I found a series of posts on emotions saved as drafts, here on shirleytwofeathers... so... I thought, well... I'm actually FEELING my emotions, might as well post about them, huh? I even found a color wheel, and an alphabetical listing of emotions - I thought I'd go through the list and pick out the ones I'm feeling in the moment:

• Anger
• Bitterness
• Depression
• Frustration
• Grief
• Guilt
• Hate
• Inadequate
• Negativity
• Pain
• Self-pity
• Suffering
• Vulnerable
• Yearning

Whoa Nelly! Sure looks like I'm brewing up quite a stew! Aren't you glad you're not in the room with me right now? You'd probably shrivel up and die from all the negative vibes I'm emanating!! I'll be much easier to be around when I'm back to my normal self - and if you want to know what that looks like - here's a picture.

A Guide To My Emotions

In case you're wondering, here's a guide to my emotions. It comes complete with pictures, captions, and a kitty!

Still suffering

So... suffering... I'm still on a rant about this.

In addition to thinking about work that I would do even if I had to suffer for it, and work that I flat out won't do even when I'm suffering, I also thought about ways I've suffered in the past and why the heck did I do that.

For example:

Twenty three years of a bad marriage. I knew it was a mistake the day I did it - but I didn't want to admit I was wrong about something. Of course, over the years, being married to a pompous asshole, I found I could be wrong, I could admit defeat, that I could "eat crow," and I could indeed admit to having made a mistake.

But by this time, my reasons for staying in the marriage had changed. It was now all about not having to get a "real job." I told myself it was because I wanted a stable home for the kids, that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but the truth was that I was afraid. I was afraid of a number of things, (being a "bad mother" for one, being "unloved" for another) and I was willing to endure a fair amount of suffering and even outright agony just to avoid facing those fears.

The day my marriage ended was the day I went out and found a job. The divorce didn't come for several more years, and there was a fair amount of agony and angst over it - but the truth is, I knew it was over the day I picked up the want ads and started making calls. So what happened?

It was obvious that I was a failure as a mother, clearly I was unloved, the things that I was afraid to face were now in my face - staring at me from the bathroom mirror, crawling into bed with me at night. I HAD to get a job so I could get away! All that suffering, all that endurance, it was all a waste. I was wrong. I was a failure. I was defeated. I was a bad mother. I was unloved. I was nothing, no one, and nowhere. It was the end of the line.

And so now in retrospect, I'm wondering what would have happened if I hadn't followed that road all the way to the bitter end. What if... and here's the mystery... what if on the day that we got married I had turned to Mike Janner and said:

"Hey look. I know this is going to sound really off the wall, but I've changed my mind. I'm not marriage material. I love you, and in this moment I'm committed to a relationship with you - but I want it to feel good all the way to the bone - and this doesn't feel good. I feel like I've just given away my power. I feel like I am now a prisoner in middle-class America. I feel as if my free spirit is about to be squished. Let's get this marriage annulled, and then let's just live together like a couple of 60's flower children - let's make our relationship work in a different way."

Wow... How different would my life have been had I the courage and the confidence to say that! I was thinking it... I do remember thinking those exact things as we drove off for our honeymoon.

What if I had believed in my self that strongly?
What if I had been willing to suffer the consequences of laying it all out like that?

And what about right now? What choices could I be making? Where am I giving my power away? What am I afraid of losing? How am I not being true to me? If I stopped right now and said... hey, wait a minute... this isn't right... what would I be referring to?

It's a mystery!
What about you? What's your mystery?