Rules for Cats

When it comes to living the good life, I personally think that cats really do have it figured out. So, if you have a cat, here are the rules - and if you want to live as if you were a cat, this might give you some ideas on how to accomplish it:

Doors:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Chairs and Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

Bathrooms:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything . . . just sit and stare.

Hampering:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

• When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  
  
• For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  
  
• For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
  
  
• For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to be startled.
  

Walking:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Bedtime:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

Play:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though, to maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I meant to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

Cat Games:

• Catch Mouse:
  The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
  
  
• King of the Hill:
  This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
  
  Warning: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
  

Toys:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.

• Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
  
  
• Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss (& Q-tips) also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.
  
  
• When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.
  

Paper Bags:
Within paper bags dwell the bag mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for bag mice is fair game for a sneak attack, which will usually result in a great Tagmatch.

Food:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

• When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
  
  
• Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
  
  
• Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent. Your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
  
  
• Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the "direct stare", and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
  

Sleeping:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

Scratching Posts:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is not recommended.

Humans:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

source: received via email

Quarantined and Really Funny

Ok, so this is just hilarious!



You know, if I was in quarantine, I'd be spending my time whining and complaining about how uncool and not fun my life was, and how much it sucked to be me... And here's this guy! Making this too funny video! He inspires me, actually... to what? I dunno, but inspired I am, nonetheless.

I love this quote!

Theoden: A great host, you say?
Aragorn: All Isengard is emptied.
Theoden: How many?
Aragorn: Ten thousand strong at least.
Theoden: [astonished] Ten thousand?
Aragorn: It is an army bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of men. They will be here by nightfall.
Theoden: Let them come.

Going Mad!

Maybe that's what hell is.
You go mad, and all your demons come and get you just as fast as you can think them up.”

~Anne Rice


Nightmare by ~kalessaradan on deviantART


Timbo's demons by ~albreech on deviantART

Darth Vader attack

For those of you who think I take Lord of the Rings and Buffy the Vampire Slayer way too seriously, here's a heads up. I'm not nearly as nutty as some people out there. Take a look at this! It's way too funny, and it really happened!

HOLYHEAD, Wales(AP) A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday. Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones _ aka Master Jonba Hehol _ with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court. He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones _ known as Master Mormi Hehol _ bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said. The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films. The group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses "insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life." "We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously." Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle. "Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached. Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon (10-liter) box of wine beforehand. "He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones. District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims and $117 in court costs.

Date: Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 8:14 AM

Mother Knows Best!

How do you say it?

Just in case you were wondering, here is a cool list of how to say "beer" in a bunch of different languages. This way, if you're out and about, drinking maybe, and nobody seems to understand you, you'll have a number of different languages to fall back on. Cool, huh?

• Afrikaans: Bier
• Czech: Pivo
• Dutch: Bier
• Finnish: Olut
• Filipino: Bir
• French: Bière
• Gaelic: Leann
• German: Bier
• Greek: Bere
• Hawaiian: Bia
• Hungarian: Sor
• Indonesian: Bir
• Irish: Beoir
• Italian: Birra
• Japanese: Biiru
• Polish: Piwo
• Portugese: Cerveja
• Spanish: Cervesa
• Swahili: Pombe
• Swedish: Ol
• Yiddish: Bir

I like the Swahili one: Pombe! Gimme a Pombe! Ya!

More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Beer

Beer, as all alcoholic drinks, is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on the yeast cells, then defecating. This bacterial excrement is called alcohol.

Attila the Hun was suspected of suffocating from a bloody nose after passing out from alcohol at his 'bachelor party'.

It is always helpful to have a law that clearly defines when a person is legally intoxicated. In Kentucky, anyone who has been drinking is considered sober until he or she cannot hold onto the ground.

The term 'toddlers' originated in England. There were impurities in the drinking water that disallowed the water to be used for drinking. A common alternative drink was beer (it was cheep, plentiful and the water used to make it was treated during the initial boiling during brewing). Toddlers, just weaning off of mothers milk were unaccustomed to the effects of beer. This coupled with the fact that they were just learning how to walk really made them toddle.

As we all know, that very first Thanksgiving took place at Plymouth Rock. But the pilgrims were actually planning to make their landing in Virginia. So what took them off course to their final destination? A storm? An accident? Nope! They ran out of beer! It is actually written in one of the pilgrim’s diaries that their food supply was decreasing “especially our beere."

About 4000 years ago, it was the accepted practice in Babylonia that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calender was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know to day as the "Honey moon"

Before invention of the thermometer, brewers used to check the temperature by dipping their thumb, to find whether appropriate for adding Yeast. Too hot, the yeast would die. This is where we get the phrase " The Rule of the Thumb"

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender used to yell at themto mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. From where we get "mind your own P's and Q's".

After consuming a vibrant brew called Aul or Ale, the Vikings would go fearlessly to the battlefield, without their armour, or even their shirts. The "Berserk" means "bear shirt" in norse, and eventually to the meaning of wild battles.

Way down in 1740, the Admiral Veron of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum, which naturally, the sailors weren't pleased with. They nicknamed the Admiral Old Grog, after the still stiff grogram coats he used to wear. The term grog soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you are drunk on this this grog, you are "groggy", a word still in use.

Long ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim of their beer mugs or ceremic/glass cups. The whistle was used to order services. Thus we get the phrase, "wet your whistle".

Monks brewing beer in the Middle Ages were allowed to drink five quarts of beer a day.

Pails of beer were given to the people who worked in factories, to help fight the “growl” of hunger in their bellies.

Michelob was invented during a brewer’s strike in the 1930s from a recipe tossed together by the untrained workers left behind to run the brewery. It was so bad local taverns tossed their delivered barrels in the gutter until the streets ran with beer. When the strike was over, the brewery didn’t want to lose all that beer, no matter how bad, so they repackaged it and sold it as Michelob.

The most costly beer in the world, at about $52 a bottle and is called “Tutankhamen.” This limited edition beer and is even numbered. The beer is brewed with a recipe that was discovered by archaeologists in Queen Nefertiti’s Temple!

Other not so fun but possibly interesting trivia:

The first consumer protection law ever written was enacted over beer by Duke Wilhelm IV of Bavaria in 1516. It was a purity law limiting the ingredients of beer to barley, hops and water.

Tegestology is what collecting beer mats is called.

The worlds strongest beer is 'Samuel Adams' Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.

Beer is the second most popular beverage in the world, coming in behind tea.

Pabst Beer is now called Pabst Blue Ribbon beer because it was the first beer to win a blue ribbon at the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893.

To get rid of the foam at the top of beer (the head), stick your fingers in it.

Bavaria still defines beer as a staple food.

To keep your beer glass or mug from sticking to your bar napkin, sprinkle a little salt on the napkin before you set your glass down.

The oldest known written recipe is for beer.

Anheuser-Busch is the largest brewery in the US.

The longest bar in the world is the 684 foot long New Bulldog in Rock Island, IL.

The powers that be at Guinness say that a pint of beer is lifted about ten times, and each time about 0.56 ml is lost in a beer drinker’s facial hair. That’s a lot of wasted beer!

As of 2001, 62% of Americans reported using a designated driver at least once.

Molson, Inc. is the oldest brewery in North America.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) was elected in 1932 because of his promise to end Prohibition.

The first United States Marine Recruiting Station was in a bar.

The first brewery in America was built in Hoboken, NJ in 1642.

In 1935 the canned beer industry was revolutionized by a vinyl plastic liner developed for cans made out of tin.

The movie The Shawshank Redemption got their period beer containers wrong. The prisoners on the roof drank beer out of bottles in the 1930s, beer wasn't canned until many years later.

Tossing salted peanuts in a glass of beer makes the peanuts dance.

In Japan, beer is sold in vending machines, by street vendors and in the train stations.

Bourbon is the official alcohol of the United States, by an act of Congress. Many people have attempted to have that overturned in favor of beer instead throughout the years.

Many actors started out as bartenders: Sandra Bullock, Bruce Willis, Tom Arnold, Chevy Chase, Kris Kristofferson and Bill Cosby are a few of these.

American beer is made mostly by rice, unlike the beers of other countries. This was invented to give American beer a lighter taste and tap into the market of women buyers.

Beer is a source of B- complex vitamins.

Cenosillicaphobia is listed as the “fear of an empty glass.”

If you collect beer bottles you are a labeorphilist.

Have you ever noticed that once in a while, the rim of a beer glass has a white line around it? That line actually has a name, the Plimsoll Line. It was named after Samuel Plimsoll, the man who was known for creating a method to mark the depth of ship hulls. It is actually law in England that the bartender must fill your beer/ale up to that line with the head of the beer rising above it. So the next time you get a glass with the white line, tell them to “Fill ’er up to the Plimsoll!”

The portable beer cooler was invented in Australia in the 1950s.

In the mid 70's, Australians were the 3rd biggest beer drinker in the world. (behind Germany and Belgium). In the late 90's, they didn't even get into the top ten!

Reno, Nevada has the highest rate of alcoholism in the U.S., Provo, Utah, the lowest. Now there's a big surprise all round!

The ‘33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.

And last but not least:

The best beer in the world is the one in my hand.

I love this stuff!

What's up with American Dad?

OMG! It's American Dad on Crack!

Science is Simple

Yesterday was "talk like a physicist day" and today is how to talk like a scientist... ok... not really. But, if you need a good laugh, read through these children's science exam answers. Fun, huh?

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e. g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs , and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

BREAKING NEWS !!

It has now been proven, beyond all doubt, that Shirley Twofeathers IS Green Lantern. See for yourself the results of this amazingly accurate assessment found on the most reliable of sources - The World Wide Web.

Your results:

You are Green Lantern
Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.

Not only that, but they gave me the percentages of my other superheroness:

• Iron Man 75%
• Wonder woman 65%
• Spiderman 60%
• The Hulk 60%
• Batman 55%
• Super Girl 55%
• Robin 55%
• Catwoman 55%
• Superman 35%
• The Flash 35%
  

And TADA!

• The Green Lantern 85%

Interestingly, this adds up to... let me see...

I'm 635% Superhero
And hmm...
That leaves 0% for being uncool and merely human!
Nifty, huh?
See what happens when you learn how to talk like a physicist?

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

It's Talk Like A Physicist Day!

Yes, it's true! In honor of Einstein's birthday, it's National Pi day, otherwise known as "Talk Like A Physicist Day."


Not sure how to do it?

Not to worry, we've got it covered! Here are some pointers:


Terms that Physicists use:

Order of Magnitude: Use terms like “orders of magnitude” to describe significant differences of scale.

Negligible: When something is small, say it is “negligible” non-zero, but negligible.

Infinitesimal: If it is really really small, say it is infinitesimal.

Non-trivial: For a physicist, nothing is ever hard or difficult - it is always “non-trivial”

First-order approximation: That is only a first-order approximation to a good cup of coffee… “The living room is clean. Well…at least to a first order approximation.”

Canonical: Use “canonical” when you mean “usual” or “standard.” As in, “the canonical example of talking like a physicist is to use the word ‘canonical.’”

Orthogonal: Use “orthogonal” to refer to things that are mutually-exclusive or can’t coincide. “We keep playing phone tag — I think our schedules must be orthogonal”

Empirical Data: Any actual personal experience becomes “empirical data.” i.e. a burn on your hand is empirical data that the stove is hot.

Ground State: You’re not being lazy, you are in your ground state.

Extrapolation: A semi-educated guess is an extrapolation

Ideal Case: You aren’t ignoring details, you are taking the ideal case

Vanishingly small: A tiny amount is “vanishingly small” or “negligible.” Really small is “infinitesimal”

Potential Well: Stuck in a meeting is “trapped in a potential well,” though you hope you can “tunnel out.”

Blackhole: If there is no escape, you are trapped by a black hole, from which there is no escape.

Photons: It’s not light, they are photons. Turning on the lamp becomes emitting photons.

Exercise to Reader: The rest is history becomes “the rest is left as an exercise to the reader…”

Not even wrong: Someone is making an argument using assumptions that are known to be wrong, or are making an argument that can’t be falsified. Courtesy Wolfgang Pauli. “Wait, he’s assuming Ron Paul can still win the Republican nomination? That’s not even wrong.”

For very small values of: This one, I’m afraid, I can best explain by example. “So there are four of us going to dinner.” “Three.” “Okay, so there are four of us for very small values of four.”

Super position: If something seems to act like something else, I say that it’s in a “superposition of the two states”.

Other good words to add to your vocabulary:

• Discontinuity
• Renormalize
• Positive and negative work
• God Particle
• Dark Energy
• Space-time continuum

Other rules:
When you are asked a question, think of improbable ways a statement could be true and then at the end make sure to give correct answer.

For Example:
When a mere mortal is asked a question “Can a pig fly?” typically the answerer is “No.” However a physicist will respond as follows: “They could if there was no gravity, or in interstellar space, or if they had wings, or if they were dropped off a cliff (though it would be a short flight). Generally the answer is NO.”

Here is another example of the same rule:
Q: two trains are a approaching each other at 40 mph and are 8 miles apart, when will they cross each other? An untrained person would say “in about 6 minutes”.

A physicist would respond as:
"If the trains are on the same track, they will not cross each other but run in to each other; when you say approaching each other, are the trains engines facing each other? they could go around the world and then cross each other, but for that I need to know the location of the trains. Also, I need to know the lengths of each of the trains to accurately calculate this, but in a trivially simple situation, the trains will cross each other in 6 minutes. "

Again, make sure that the correct answer is always present at the end.

Still confused? This should simplify things for you:



And here's a diagram of the above information:



But wait, there's more! It's a physicist rap!!



And that's not all! I even found a lecture on on Quantum Physics by Prof.V.Balakrishnan, Department of Physics, IIT Madras. Watch and learn!!


Thanks to Sean, JerseyBoy, Swans on tea, dr. Dev. Stephan at Live granades, James Cronen and many others who have commented on various blogs on this issue.

Fish Out Of Water

Ok, so I found a really really long and complete list of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, and I'm wondering... who the heck writes this stuff? And maybe it would be good if I had a complete list of Twofeathers Rules of Being Cool and Having a Fun Life... then I could follow those rules and be cool and have a fun life... or probably and most likely I wouldn't follow the rules at all and my life would be as uncool as it is right now and I'd be having about as much fun as I'm having right now... so maybe what I really need is Twofeathers Rules of Not Being Cool and Having a Not Fun Life. Then, I could not follow those rules and my life would be cool and fun... what do you think? Would it work? Or would that be the one and only time in my life when I actually did follow the rules?


Also, buried in all those Ferengi rules is one that is actually pretty interesting and something I hadn't actually thought of before. It's rule #152: You can't free a fish from water. And I assume that means that you can't free a fish from water without killing it. So now I'm wondering what, (in my uncool not so much fun right now life,) is the water that I can't be freed from.

And it occurs to me that maybe the idea of coming out of the box, expanding horizons, stepping out of comfort zones, or jumping into the deep end of the pool, brings out this primal fear of being a "fish out of water" of finding out that what's on the other side of the fishbowl, (which up til now felt like a prison), is actually the annihilation of "OMG I can't breathe out here, where the hell is the water!"

The Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition

The Ferengi believe that the universe is held together by the Great Material Continuum, also known as the Great River. They believe that each part of the universe has too much of one thing, but not enough of another, and it is through the continual flow of the Great River that wants and needs can be fulfilled, if one navigates the River with sufficient entrepreneurial skill. Like most of their culture, their religion is also based on the principles of capitalism: they offer prayers and monetary offerings to a "Blessed Exchequer" in hopes of entering the "Divine Treasury" upon death, and fear an afterlife spent in the "Vault of Eternal Destitution".


And so here we have: The Complete Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition

1. Once you have their money, never give it back
2. You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try
3. Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to
4. Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough
5. If you can't break a contract, bend it
6. Never let family stand in the way of opportunity
7. Always keep you ears open
8. Keep count of your change
9. Instinct plus opportunity equals profit
10. A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one
11. Latinum isn't the only thing that shines
12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money
14. Anything stolen is pure profit
15. Acting stupid is often smart
16. A deal is a deal ... until a better one comes along
17. A bargain usually isn't
18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all
19. Don't lie too soon after a promotion
20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat
21. Never place friend ship before profit
22. Wise men can hear profit in the wind
23. Never take the last coin, but be sure to get the rest
24. Never ask when you can take
25. Fear makes a good business partner
26. The vast Majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it
27. The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down
28. Morality is always defined by those in power
29. When someone says "It's not the money," they're lying
30. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money
31. Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother
32. Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects
33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss
34. Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore
35. Peace is good for business
36. War is good for business
37. You can always buy back a lost reputation
38. Free advertising is cheap
39. Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers
40. If you see profit on a journey, take it
41. Money talks, but having a lots of it gets more attention
42. Only negotiate when you are certain to profit
43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon
44. Never argue with a loaded phaser
45. Profit has limits. Loss has none
46. Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person
47. Never trust a man wearing a better suit than you own
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife
49. Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent
50. Never bluff a Klingon
51. Never admit a mistake if there's someone else to blame
52. Only Bugsy could have built Las Vegas
53. Sell first; ask questions later
54. Never buy anything you can't sell
55. Always sell at the highest possible profit
56. Pursue profit; women come later
57. Good customers are almost as rare as Latinum - treasure them
58. Friendship is seldom cheap
59. Fee advice is never cheap
60. Never use Latinum where your words will do
61. Never buy what can be stolen
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit
63. Power without profit is like a ship without an engine
64. Don't talk shop; talk shopping
65. Don't talk ship; talk shipping
66. Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it
67. Enough is never enough
68. Compassion is no substitute for a profit
69. You could afford your ship without your government - if it weren't for your government
70. Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise
71. Gamble and trade have two things in common: risk and Latinum
72. Never let the competition know, what you're thinking
73. Never trust advice from a dying Ferengi; listen but don't trust
74. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all
75. Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum
76. Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies
77. Go where no Ferengi has gone before; where there is no reputation there is profit
78. There is a customer born every minute
79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge
80. If it works, sell it. If it works well, sell it for more. If it doesn't work, quadruple the price and sell it as an antique
81. There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman
82. A smart customer is not a good customer
83. Revenge is profitless
84. She can touch your ears but never your Latinum
85. Death takes no bribes
86. A wife is a luxury, a smart accountant a necessity
87. Trust is the biggest liability of all
88. When the boss comes to dinner, it never hurts to have the wife wear something
89. Latinum lasts longer than lust
90. Mine is better than ours
91. He who drinks fast pays slow
92. Never confuse wisdom with luck
93. He's a fool who makes his doctor his heir
94. Beware of small expenses: a small leak will kill a ship
95. Important, more impotant, Latinum
96. Faith moves mountains - of inventory
97. If you would keep a secret from an enemy, don't tell it to a friend
98. Profit is the better part of valor
99. Never trust a wise man
100. Everything that has no owner, needs one
101. Never do something you can make someone do for you
102. Nature decays, but Latinum lasts forever
103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity
104. Money is never made. It is merely won or lost
105. Wise men don't lie, they just bend the truth
106. There is no honor in poverty
107. Win or lose, there's always Huyperian Beetle Snuff
108. A woman wearing clothes is like a man without profit
109. Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack
110. Only a fool passes up a business opportunity
111. Treat people in your debt like family ... exploit them
112. Never sleep with the boss's wife unless you pay him first
113. Never sleep with the boss's sister
114. Small print lead to large risk
115. Greed is eternal
116. There's always a way out
117. If the profit seems too good to be true, it usually is
118. Never cheat a honest man offering a decent price
119. Buy, sell, or get out of the way
120. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum
121. Everything is for sale, even friendship
122. As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer
123. A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer
124. Friendship is temporary, profit is forever
125. A lie isn't a lie until someone else knows the truth
126. A lie isn't a lie, it's just the truth seen from a different point of view
127. Gratitude can bring on generosity
128. Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races
129. Never trust your customers
130. Never trust a beneficiary
131. If it gets you profit, sell your own mother
132. The flimsier the produce, the higher the price
133. Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet ... sometimes good things come in small packages
134. There's always a catch
135. The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it
136. The sharp knife cuts quickly. Act without delay!
137. Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is the father
138. Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder
139. Wives serve; brothers inherit
140. The answer to quick and easy profit is: buy for less, sell for more
141. Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive. Fait play and financial loss go hand-in-hand
142. A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves
143. The family of Fools is ancient
144. There's nothing wrong with charity ... as long as it winds up in your pocket
145. Always ask for the costs first
146. If possible sell neither the sizzle nor the steak, but the Elphasian wheat germ
147. New customers are like razor toothed gree worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back
148. Opportunity waits for no one Females and finances don't mix
149. Make your shop easy to find
150. Sometimes, what you get free costs entirely too much
151. Ask not what your profits can do for you; ask what you can do for your profits
152. You can't free a fish from water
153. The difference between manure and Latinum is commerece
154. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too
155. Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit
156. You are surrounded by opportunities; you just have to know where to look
157. Don't pay until you have the goods
158. The customer is always right ... until you have their cash
159. Respect is good, Latinum is better
160. Never kill a customer, unless you make more profit out of his death than out of his life
161. His money is only your's when he can't get it back
162. A thirsty customer is good for profit, a drunk one isn't
163. Never spend your own money when you can spend someone else's
164. Never allow one's culture's law to get in the way of a universal goal: profit
165. Never give away for free what can be sold
166. If a deal is fairly and lawfully made, then seeking revenge especially unprofitable revenge, is illegal
167. Beware of relatives bearing gifts
168. If you're going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable
169. Never gamble with an empath
170. Time is Latinum. The early Ferengi get the Latinum
171. If you can sell it, don't hsitate to steal it
172. A piece of Latinum in the hand is worth two in a customer's pocket
173. Share and perish
174. When everything fails - run
175. Ferengi's don't give promotional gifts!
176. Know your enemies ... but do business with them always
177. The world is a stage - don't forget to demand admission
178. Whenever you think that things can't get worse, the FCA will be knocking on you door
179. Never offer a confession when a bribe will do
180. Even dishonesty can't tarnish the glow of Latinum
181. Whenever you're being asked if you are god, the right answer is YES
182. Genius without opportunity is like Latinum in the mine
183. There are three things you must not talk to aliens: sex, religion and taxes
184. If you want to ruin yourself there are three known ways: Gambling is the fastest, women are the sweetest, and banks are the most reliable way
185. There are two things that will catch up with you for sure: death and taxes
186. If your dancing partner wants to lead at all costs, let her have her own way and ask another one to dance
187. Never bet on a race you haven't fixed
188. Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing
189. Drive your business or it will drive you
190. Let other keep their reputation. You keep their money
191. If the flushing isn't strong enough, use your brain and try the brush
192. Klingon women don't dance tango
193. It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door
194. Wounds heal, but debt is forever
195. Only give money to people you know you can steal from
196. Never trust your customers, especially if they are your relatives
197. Employees are the rungs on your ladder to success - don't hesitate to step on them
198. The secret of one person is another person's opportunity
199. A madman with Latinum means profit without return
200. The justification for profit is profit
201. a) A friend in need is a customer in the making
     b) A friend in need means three times the profit
202. A Ferengi in need, will never do anything for free
203. When the Grand Nagus arrives to offer you a business opportunity, it's time to leave town until he's gone
204. When the customer dies, the money stops a-comin'
205. Fighting with Klingons is like gambling with Cardassians - it's good to have a friend around when you lose
206. Never trust a hardworking employee
207. Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer
208. Tell them what they want to hear
209. A wife, who is able to clean, saves the cleaning lady
210. In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator
211. If they accept your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much
212. Stay neutral in conflicts so that you can sell supplies to both sides
213. Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach
214. Instinct without opportunity is useless
215. Never take hospitality from someone worse off than yourself
216. Only pay for it, if you are confronted with loaded phaser
217. Always know what you're buying
218. A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount
219. Profit is like a bed of roses - a few thorns are inevitable
220. Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes
221. Knowledge is Latinum
222. Rich men don't come to buy; they come to take
223. Never throw anything away: It may be worth a lot of Latinum some Stardate
224. Pride comes before a loss
225. Don't take your family for granted, only their Latinum
226. Loyalty can be bought ... and sold
227. All things come to those who wait, even Latinum
228. Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox
229. Manipulation may be a Ferengi's greatest tool, and liability
230. If you steal it, make sure it has a warranty
231. Life's no fair (How else would you turn a profit?)
232. Every dark cloud has a Latinum lining
233. Never deal with beggars; it's bad for profits
234. Don't trust anyone who trusts you
235. You can't buy fate
236. There's a sucker born every minute. Be sure you're the first to find each one
237. The truth will cost
238. Ambition knows no family
239. The higher you bid, the more customers you drive away
240. Never underestimate the inportance of the fist impression
241. More is good, all is better
242. If you got something nice to say, then SHOUT
243. If you can't sell it, sit on it, but never give it away
244. A warranty is valid only if they can find you
245. He that speaks ill of the wares will buy them
246. Never question luck
247. Celebrate when you are paid, not, when you are promised
248. Respect other culture's beliefs; they'll be more likely to give you money
249. A dead vendor doesn't demand money
250. Satisfaction is not guaranteed
251. Let the buyer beware
252. A contract without fine print is a fool's document
253. Anyone who can't tell a fake doesn't deserve the real thing
254. A warranty without loop-holes is a liability
255. Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer's stuck purse
256. Only fools negotiate with their own money
257. A Ferengi is only as important as the amount of Latinum he carries in his pockets
258. A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know
259. Gambling is like the way to power: The only way to win is to cheat, but don't get caught in the process
260. A wealthy man can afford everything except a conscience
261. No lobes, no profit
262. Never let a female in clothes cloud your sense of profit
263. It's not the size of your planet, but it's income, that matters
264. The fear of loss may be your greatest enemy or your best friend - choose wisely
265. A pair of good ears will ring dry a hundred tongues
266. Wish not so much to live Long, as to live well
267. a) When in doubt, lie
     b) When in doubt, buy
     c) When in doubt, demand more money
     d) When in doubt, shoot them, take their money, run and blame someone else
268. Never purchase anything that has been promised to be valuable or go up in value
269. It's better to have gambled and lost than to never have gambled at all
270. There's many witty men whose brains can't line their pockets
271. The way to a Ferengi's heart is through his wallet
272. Always count their Latinum before selling anything
273. There is no profit in love; however, a strong heart is worth a few bars of Latinum on the open market. Keep it on ice
274. Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it
275. If at first you don't succeed, try to acquire again
276. Diamonds may be girl's best friend, but you can only buy the girl with Latinum
277. It's better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit
278. Never close a deal too soon after a female strokes your lobes
279. An empty bag can not stand upright
280. Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell
281. Business is like war; it's important to recognize the winner
282. Rules are always subject to change
283. Rules are always subject to interpretation
284. No good deed ever goes unpunished
285. When Morn leaves it is all over

My Osho Horoscope

This was my Osho horoscope for today. I think it's more of a quote for the day than an actual horoscope based on planetary aspects etc, but it really does sum me up quite accurately!


The moment you get a sniff of freedom, there is every chance that your mind will try to find some new way to put you back in your cage. Be alert to it's tricks. It's not so difficult to get it's measure. To find awareness, consciously melt into that which naturally brings you bliss.

"Choose that which brings more and more bliss, silence, serenity and calmness to you."

~Osho,

excerpted from The Book of Wisdom,

Chapter 5

"I never saw a discontented tree. They grip the ground as though they liked it, and though fast rooted they travel about as far as we do. They go wandering forth in all directions with every wind, going and coming like ourselves, traveling with us around the sun two million miles a day, and through space heaven knows how fast and far!

— JOHN MUIR

The Science of Cosmic Oneness

The universe is a living body, an organic unity. In it nothing is isolated, all is connected.

Whatever is far away is connected to that which is near, nothing is separate. So no one should remain in a fallacy that he is an isolated island, separate, aloof. Each one is connected to the whole, and each one is all the time affecting the other and being affected by the other. Even when you pass by a stone lying on the road, it is throwing its vibrations in your direction. The flowers too are throwing out their vibrations. And you are not just passing by, you too are throwing out your vibrations.

It is said that we are affected by the moon and the stars. Another idea that astrology has is that the moon and the stars are affected by us, because influence comes from both directions. Whenever a man like Buddha is born on the Earth, the moon may not realize that it is because of him that storms are not arising on its surface or that because of Buddha the storms have subsided.

The moon is affected and the sun is also moved. When spots occur on the sun and storms arise, diseases spread across the Earth. When a person like Buddha is born on the Earth, a current of peace flows, the pillar of consciousness grows strong, and the deep beauty of meditation moves over the Earth; which also makes it difficult for a storm to arise on the sun because everything is joined together.

A tiny blade of grass has an impact on the sun, and the sun has its impact on the blade of grass. The blade of grass is not so tiny that the sun can say, "I do not care about you," nor is the sun so big that it can say, "What can this blade of grass do for me?"

Life is interconnected. Here nothing is big or small; everything is one organic unity.

By Osho

All About Mentors

Even though I have succeeded in finding a mail order husband, I still felt compelled to "find a mentor" or at least get on track with the who, what, where, when, and how of the mentoring thing. Suddenly, in a flash of inspiration, I decided to visit Osho Zen Tarot, I pulled a card with the intention of finding out everything I needed to know about mentors, and this is what came up:

Harmony:

Listen to your heart, move according to your heart, whatsoever the stake: A condition of complete simplicity costing not less than everything.... To be simple is arduous, because to be simple costs everything that you have. You have to lose all to be simple.

That's why people have chosen to be complex and they have forgotten how to be simple. But only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand. Only a simple heart sings with God in deep harmony. To reach to that point you will have to find your heart, your own throb, your own beat.

~Osho, Dang Dang Doko Dang, Chapter 3

Commentary:

The experience of resting in the heart in meditation is not something that can be grasped or forced. It comes naturally, as we grow more and more in tune with the rhythms of our own inner silences. The figure on this card reflects the sweetness and delicacy of this experience. The dolphins that emerge from the heart and make an arc towards the third eye reflect the playfulness and intelligence that comes when we are able to connect with the heart and move into the world from there. Let yourself be softer and more receptive now, because an inexpressible joy is waiting for you just around the corner. Nobody else can point it out to you, and when you find it you won't be able to find the words to express it to others. But it's there, deep within your heart, ripe and ready to be discovered.

I Found My Man!

So, today I was researching how to find a mentor for the Prosperity Project and ended up (of all places) on Mail Order Husbands! So, I took their quiz to find my ideal match and this is who I came up with:

Congratulations!

You have completed our survey and our proprietary algorithms have determined that you are a very unique and special individual. We have many high quality bachelors and the one that most perfectly aligns with your spiritual and personal values is listed below.

Stan, (stationed) in Iraq

I got way too much time on my hands over here. I'm on my second tour in Iraq and am supposed to go back in a few months. I'm cool with going to most anywhere afterwards. I'm looking for a traditional type of woman who wants a bunch of kids.

For more hilarious weirdness visit my new website: Hey It's Me