June 24, 2004

I found this... floating around in my inbox. It's an email I wrote almost 4 years ago. So much hasn't changed since then!

Hi.
Well, I'm so discouraged.
One step forward and then three steps back.
Work is slow this week at Heavenly Pets.
I'm wondering how I will ever get my debts paid.
I can't make myself get my income taxes filed,
or the grass mowed,
I hope I can make myself apply for some jobs tomorrow.
So far, all the jobs that I really want are taken before I even get an application filled out.
Jobs I think I could get pretty easy go to other people
Younger people no doubt.
James gets jobs all the time.
He applies
And he gets hired.
He has a job right now.
So what's up with that?
Do I have to be mentally disabled and a man in order to get a job?
I have a job.
And I like my job.
Somebody told me once
"Do what you love and the money will follow."
So I'm doing what I love
And the money is following who?
And why am I complaining?
I will probably have just enough to pay my house, car, utilities, and bank of america
Just enough to pay them all one month late
At least I'm consistant.
I pay them
And I'm always late.
And it's not just paying the bills that I 'm late with either.
I'm late sending out birthday cards
And presents
Mothers day cards
and presents
Fathers day cards
and presents
Speaking of cards, I have 2 people that want to pay me for Gospel Missionary Cards
And I can't seem to get that taken care of either.
So what's up with that?
Money.
The root of all evil.
Did they really teach us that in church?
I did some research.
And it looks like I'll lose my land and mobile home if I do a bankruptcy.
A lawyer would be a very good idea.
And the thought of contacting one makes me too tired to even breathe.
I have some boarding going on.
But it isn't legal.
I still need to paint and mow and clean the place up
and then call the state of missouri
and pay this years fee
and last years fees
and deal with a kennel inspection
and it is never as bad as I think it will be
And just thinking about it makes me too tired to evn breathe.
My dad asks about it every time we talk.
He sent me $300 to get it legal.
I bought a lawn mower with some of the money
The rest of it is in a cookie jar
on top of my refrigerator
Someone has bought the property next to mine
they are building a house
it's making me crazy
I just want to scream and cry and rage and go on a shooting spree
but I'm too tired to do anything that vigorous
If I lose my privacy
And my peace and quiet
I'll be even more crazy than I already am
I used to have friends that I talked to regularly
but I don't call them
And most of the time I have my phone turned off
So even if they did call me
It wouldn't be very interesting for them
Since I haven't changed my phone message for weeks
At least it seems like weeks
I think I'm depressed
There was this thought that I should go out and get some professional help
Hypnosis
Or something
And then I started to feel pretty good
And I started painting
And I realized that I don't really need anyone to help me be OK
And then I got tired
And stopped feeling pretty good
And stopped painting
And started feeling pretty freaked out about money
And now I'm too tired to even breathe
The resistance in me is so big
I think it might swallow me up
Resistance to what?
I don't know.
Change.
Pain.
Discomfort (which is often worse than pain)
Activity
Life itself
The inevitability of "stuff"
and having to let go of it.
I was going to go to a sweat on Sunday
Thinking it might pull me out of this swamp of paralysis
But it's Layla's birthday party day
And I can't miss that.
Sky would kill me!
I'd be "Bad Grandmother of the Year"
And then I keep having these recurring thoughts --
painful things will happen in my life
I will get old
I will get frail
People I love will die
My dogs will die
Carpenter ants will eat my house
I'll never amount to anything
my whole life is mostly composed of big ideas that never amounted to anything
I probably won't go to heaven
I'll probably have to come back and do life on earth all over again
because I screwed this up so bad
So.
I'd call
but it's too late now.
I went to bed once
And I couldn't sleep.
They had bull dozers going in the field next to mine.
And I was thinking about the foxes
and the coyotes
and the owls
and all the living things that are being displaced
to go where?
and then my recurring thoughts
about change, and loss, and death came creeping into bed with me
So I turned on some music
but my ears betrayed me
and strained to see if they could hear the heavy equipment tearing up the soil
So I got up
and went looking for a job online
Found a few things
that I hope I call about tomorrow.
I love you both.
Love
Shirley

Depressing isn't it?
And here's the worst part: I'm having exactly that same kind of day today! Bleah! It makes me want to chop off my head!