Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Looking for cheap rent?

Thinking about running away from home? Planning to do something totally different with your life? Contemplating the Big Apple? New York City? Not sure how you would be able to afford it?
Here ya go! This was found on Craig's list:

$1 Room for ONE DOLLAR in bright, clean apartment (West Village NY)

I am looking for someone to rent a spare bedroom in my spacious 2 br apartment. The rent is only $1 per month. While this may seem a glorious opportunity to live in the desirable West Village and still have enough money to pay off your gambling debts, you must read carefully, as this situation is not suitable for all.

First, you must call me Pierre on Tuesdays, unless that Tuesday falls on an even-numbered date, in which case you must call me Pip. If the Tuesday is both even-numbered and a holiday, you must also paint me a watercolor of a woodland scene, replete with songbirds and a cute deer peeking out from the dense brush.

Second, you must join me for nightly sing-alongs during which you will accompany on acoustic guitar while wearing a macrame vest and a Guatemalan hat, both of which you must supply yourself. Currently on the playlist: Angie by the Rolling Stones in the key of F-sharp. After six months, we may add a second song to the list. You may not riff, yodel, or otherwise embellish the vocal line in any way. You may NOT simultaneously play the harmonica or knock on the guitar for percussive effect. Light refreshments will be served, at your expense.

You must feed my parakeets daily. Since I do not own any parakeets, you must obtain several in order that you may feed them. They enjoy sunflower seeds and pine nuts in the exact ratio of 2 to 1 (by nut count, not weight). One parakeet must be named Yellowy and have yellow or yellow-tinged plumage. Hi, Yellowy! Yellowy must already be named Yellowy; you may NOT simply purchase a parakeet and start calling it by that name. And don't think I won't know the difference.

Moreover, you must read all the ingredients in my foodstuffs to me daily, for all victuals in my kitchen, even for foods I do not plan to eat that day. If you have amusing anectodes about any particular ingredient, you may share them, as long as they do not exceed 500 words.

Every night, if there are at least three (3) stars visible in the sky (NOT counting any visible planets), you must prepare a mustard plaster and a camphor poultice, which you will then place outside my bedroom door. You will scratch gently at the door to alert me to their presence and then retreat to your chambers. If I open the door and catch sight of you, I will cast you out into the streets and alleys to meet your fate among the wretched of the city.

If you bring guests home, they must provide photo I.D., samples of their blood, urine, and saliva, and a small, green salad. They must eat the salad while I run the analyses on their fluids. The following diseases are permissible: cholera, typhus, and rabies. The following ailments are NOT: plague, rickets, and scurvy. If your guest is found to have scurvy, they may remain in the apartment as long as they have also brought a small piece of silver for me.

You must attend my morning lecture at 7:00 a.m. sharp. This morning's lecture, for example, explored the connection between the parliamentary system of government prevalent in European societies and my cataracts. Sometimes I will have a guest speaker. Last month, Henry Kissinger posited the existence of elves who come out at night and smoke the rest of your pot so when you wake up in the morning you can't believe you don't have any pot left 'cause you coulda sworn you had at least one more joint when you went to bed. He received a standing ovation for his presentation as well as the National Award for Excellence in Lectures.

If you are interested in this living situation, please write an essay detailing your contributions to society. I will be grading you on content as well as style. Spelling counts!

Thank you.

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