Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Dreaming of Dragons

A while back, some of you may have noticed that I was in a little bit of a funk. OK, maybe it was more than a "little bit." Why does it matter now? So many days later? Who gives a shit about my little funk? Well, OK, since you asked: I do. And it matters because there's a kind of a flow from then to now with lots of cool and not so cool, interesting and not so interesting (OK yeah, flat out boring) stuff in between that I want to post here.

So, here's what happened. Have you ever read the Wizard of Earthsea series by Ursula LeGuinn? I spent the weekend reading all 5 books, and I'm telling you, I got really down. The more I read, the more depressed I felt. And next thing you know, I'm hating my life, and hating myself, by the time I finished the last book, I was in that bad funk.

Why? Because she reminded me of what I really want to be in my deepest heart, in my wildest dreams. And it's just not possible. Not in this lifetime anyway. Initially, I was just feeling down and disappointed, and then I stumbled onto this quote by Lynn Andrews:

There is magic in this world if you want the world to be magical. If you want life to be special, it will be. No one wants to be bored or consumed by ordinary drudgery. But what happens, all too often, is that when magic is presented to us, we don’t believe it because we don’t trust ourselves. We don’t realize what can really be accomplished. We don’t realize that if we wish to, we can take other forms. We can sit in the presence of the great masters, angels, or ancient seers of wisdom and find peace and wisdom, but it takes many small deaths, the giving away of old limitations, to get there.

That's when I got pissed off and the real funk started. I don't care how many "inspirational" quotes are flung at me... what I really want, who I really want to be... cannot be done. We live in a world where a man can be turned into a woman, where a person can drown in a frozen pond and be brought back to life having been dead for more than 20 minutes, a world where communication is instantaneous, and a moron got elected president of the United States... It really would appear that all things are possible. But this is not even a remote possibility.

And what is it that I want to be that I cannot be? You're going to probably scoff at me, and roll your eyes. But here goes anyway. What I really want to be, in my wildest dreams, in my deepest heart, is a dragon. Not a dragon lady, not a dragon persona, not a member of some dragon society, not an imaginary dream of dragons, but a living, fire-breathing, vivid, powerful, intelligent, free, wild, untameable, undeniable dragon. I WANT it. And don't tell me that dragons are make believe and pretend. Dragons are real SOMEWHERE or we wouldn't know so much about them.

It is so frustrating to me! There is something in me, something big and fierce and wild, and it's being smothered by ordinariness! I can't even live up to my smallest aspirations, much less something impossible and awesome like becoming an actual dragon.

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1 Comment:

Cathy said...

And now, you have given voice to what I have felt inside, yet have been unable to reach for being in my own way.

It is not enough that I am mysteriously, and with veracity, drawn to those great and awesome creatures. It is not enough to say that I love dragons yet have no clear understanding of why that is so.

It is not enough to feel them as something deeply burrowed into my being, unaware of the truth in my nature concerning them.

It is truer than what I have said about cat-woman. To be her is to be free; free of self and yet fully self. To be her is to be strong; powerful, and at the same time, vulnerable.

It's like: "It's not just a keel and hull and a deck and sails. That's what a ship needs. But what a ship is... what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom." Said by Captain Jack Sparrow, it is no less true of being a cat-woman, or a dragon. There is a deep yearning to "be", not simply to "want" or "observe".

To "BE" a dragon, is to be free, powerful, wise, reverenced, to have vulnerabilities but not be dragged down by them.

Your writing, which may also say something about MY "sanity issues", has brought into view that of my own heart - to "be" a dragon. And since (I) we cannot be such, we surround ourselves with that which brings us closer to, yet makes us painfully aware that, we cannot bring ourselves close enough to that which we cannot become.

Is that what you are saying, to a degree?

You have a lot of cool posts on your site. Thank you for sharing them.

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