What is a heart attack anyway?

• A heart attack results when a blood clot completely obstructs a coronary artery supplying blood to the heart muscle.
• A heart attack causes death of part of the heart muscle.
• The site of blood clot formation during a heart attack is usually a cholesterol plaque on the inner wall of a coronary artery.
• A heart attack can cause chest pain, heart failure, and electrical instability of the heart.
• Electrical instability of the heart can cause life threatening abnormal heart rhythm.

Treatment of a heart attack may include:

• Prompt administration of drugs to dissolve and prevent blood clots
• Performance of angioplasty or intracoronary stenting to open an obstructed artery
• Medications that open (dilate) blood vessels.
• Early reopening of a blocked coronary artery reduces the amount of heart muscle damage, lessens the size of the heart attack, and improves prognosis.
• Patients suffering a heart attack are hospitalized for several days to detect heart rhythm disturbance, and observe for shortness of breath, and chest pain.

Women and Heart Attacks

I got this via email this morning, and it occured to me that maybe I would share it here on the off chance that it might be important and/or beneficial to someone, somewhere, some time. I did not write it, nor do I know who did. So, here ya go:

I am an ER nurse and I was aware that female heart attacks are different, but this is the best description I've ever read. Please read, pay attention, and send it on!

Women and heart attacks (Myocardial infarction). Did you know that women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have when experiencing heart attack ... you know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest, and dropping to the floor that we see in the movies?

Here is the story of one woman's experience with a heart attack:

'I had a heart attack at about 10:30 PM with NO prior exertion; NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might've brought it on.

I was sitting all snugly & warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking, 'A-A-h, this is the life, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up'.

A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you've been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you've swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn't have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drinks a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial sensation---the only trouble was that I hadn't taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 p.m.

After it seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight, it was probably my aorta spasming), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR).

This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws. 'AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening -- we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven't we? I said aloud to myself and the cat, Dear God, I think I'm having a heart attack!

I lowered the footrest dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, If this is a heart attack, I shouldn't be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else ... but, on the other hand, if I don't, nobody will know that I need help, and if I wait any longer I may not be able to get up in moment.

I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics .. I told her I thought I was having a heart attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws. I didn't feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts.

She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to unbolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in.

I unlocked the door and then laid down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness, as I don't remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude E R on the way, but I did briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the Cardiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending over me asking questions (probably something like 'Have you taken any medications?') but I couldn't make my mind interpret what he was saying, or form an answer, and nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed 2 side by side stints to hold open my right coronary artery.

'I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the Paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St. Jude are only minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist was already to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stints.

'Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail? Because I want all of you who are so important in my life to know what I learned first hand.'

1. Be aware that something very different is happening in your body not the usual men's symptoms but inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act). It is said that many more women than men die of their first (and last) MI because they didn't know they were having one and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Maalox or other anti-heartburn preparation and go to bed, hoping they'll feel better in the morning when they wake up .. which doesn't happen. My female friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING unpleasantl is happening that you've not felt before. It is better to have a 'false alarm' visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be!

2. Note that I said 'Call the Paramedics.' And if you can, take an aspirin. Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER - you are a hazard to others on the road.

Do NOT have your panicked husband who will be speeding and looking anxiously at what's happening with you instead of the road.

Do NOT call your doctor -- he doesn't know where you live and if it's at night you won't reach him anyway, and if it's daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will tell you to call the Paramedics. He doesn't carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later.

3. Don't assume it couldn't be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count. Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it's unbelievably high and/or accompanied by high blood pressure). MIs are usually caused by long-term stress and inflammation in the body, which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge things up in there. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail (or reads this post) sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life.

**Please be a true friend and send this article to all your friends (male & female) you care about!**

The Nature of Things

The Sioux idea of living creatures is that trees, buffalo and men are temporary energy swirls, turbulance patterns... that's an early intuitive recognition of energy as a quality of matter. But that's an old insight, you know, extremely old - probably a Paleolithic shaman's insight. You find that perception registered so many ways in archaic and primitive lore. I would say that it is probably the most basic insight into the nature of things, and that our more common, recent Occidental view of the universe as consisting of fixed things is out of the main stream, a deviation from basic human perception.

~Gary Snyder

Things a Shaman Sees

Everything that is
is alive

on a steep river bank
there's a voice that speaks
I've seen the master of that voice
he bowed to me
I spoke with him
he answers all my questions

everything that is
is alive
little gray bird
little blue breast
sings in a hollow bough
she calls her spirits dances
sings her shaman songs
woodpecker on a tree
that's his drum
he's got a drumming nose
and the tree shakes
cries out like a drum
when the axe bites its side

at these things answer
my call

everything that is
is alive

the lantern walks around
the walls of this house have tongues
even this bowl has its own true home
the hides asleep in their bags
were up talking all night
antlers on the graves
rise and circle the mounds
while the dead themselves get up
and go visit the living ones.

~David Cloutier

Seeing what is

A while back, I had an interesting experience. It was raining, and when I sat down to meditate with my tree and do the Morning Meditation. It was hard at first to see out what with all the water on the window screen.

Then a cardinal came and was picking at the suet I have out there, and the screen, and the raindrops on it faded away. I didn't even notice them at all.

When he flew off, it occurred to me that it really is true that we only see what we think we'll see and what we are interested in seeing.

So I tried to look at my tree and see the stuff I wasn't seeing. But it was no good.

I'm sure there are fairies, but I don't see them. I'm sure the tree has an aura, an energy, but I don't see that either. What else is there that I don't see? I wonder. And I wonder HOW to see it.

So, here's the Morning Meditation for that day. Wow! It was so cool - just for a moment I knew how to be in that place of aliveness.

I wish I could stay there all the time. In that knowingness that everything is indeed living and sentient. Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever felt that? How far are you willing to go with it? Could you believe that rocks are alive? What about your car? your computer? the chair you are sitting on? And how different would your life be if you lived it as if that was really true?

Giant Penis Nebula

All this stuff about darkness and the night sky reminded me that I was going to upload a picture of the Giant Penis Nebula for my friend Bob, so he can attract a shitload of traffic to Black Holes and Astrostuff.

So, here it is:



Ok... yeah, I know it doesn't really actually look like a giant penis. As a matter of fact, it's called the Tadpole Galaxy... Which means it's not even really a nebula. So I'm striking out on all counts! All I can say is that it's been a really really long time since I've seen an actual penis up close and in person - so... that's my excuse.

On the other hand, you could maybe call it the Giant Sperm Nebula... because it does kind of look like one... doesn't it? huh? huh?

Hello Darkness!

So, I've been talking about darkness, now here's my chance to actually DO something with all that talk. Earth Hour is a cool idea I think... so hey... I think I'm going to "get with the project."



The stuff I've found to post today is from 2008, but they do have plans for 2009. The following is what is available at the site, so check it out!

• Sign up. Not only will you really feel part of it, but you’ll also receive lots of useful tips and tools to reduce your carbon footprint.
• Tell a friend. Better still, tell all your friends, and your family, and your workmates. Just email them with a link to this website.
• Learn how to organize Earth Hour in your town or local community. Download our PDF.
• Advertise. If you’ve registered as a business, don’t be afraid to advertise your support for Earth Hour. It’s great for business and the environment!
• Support. If you’d like to take a more significant role in Earth Hour 2009, contact WWF to find out about support opportunities.
• How can your business get involved? Download PDF
• Show your support with an Earth Hour T-shirt. You can still buy 2008 tees and 2009 tees will be coming soon.
• Try out the Facebook Footprint Calculator. If you’re not on Facebook, they’ve also got a One Minute Calculator.
  

I could be a vampire!

You Could Be a Vampire... If You Had To

Like most people, the thought of being a vampire has crossed your mind. But you're not sure if you'd do it, even if you could. Living forever doesn't sound half bad, if you could live forever with the people you love the most. But do vampires even love? And would the vampire version of you even be you? It's all too much to contemplate. Luckily, the chances of you ever becoming a vampire are astronomically low. What you would like best about being a vampire: Living forever What you would like least about being a vampire: Blood stained teeth

Could You Be a Vampire?

Darkness

Not sure what darkness even looks like?
Here's a clue:



When was the last time you went outside and it was totally and completely dark? No street lights, no flashlight, no moon... just complete and total darkness. Is that even possible any more?

Darkness - here it comes:



And here it is - our earth at night. Looks like some places are actually dark!



But not Europe!

This lovely thing is the San Francisco Airport.



What if we turned off ALL the lights at night? And didn't someone try to make this happen a while back? Actually, yes, you can read about it at Earth Hour.

Are we afraid of the dark? And if we continue to surround ourselves with light, even at night, how will we see the night sky, and spectacular images like this?



I wonder, does our fear of the dark reflect an even deeper fear of the vastness of space and our own small selves?

Freedom

For the will to be free, it needs to let go and return to its prime origin.

For the intellect to be free, it must become naked and empty and by letting go to return to its prime origin.

We become a pure nothing by an unknowing knowledge which is

emptiness
and solitude
and desert
and darkness
and remaining still.

~Meister Eckhart

Lakota Sioux Secede From US, Declare Independence

I was clearing out my inbox today - and found this little gem. It's old news, (Published on Friday, December 21, 2007 by Rapid City Journal -South Dakota)and apparently nothing much came of it, and I wanted to post it here to, in my small way, promote the idea.

Political activist Russell Means, a founder of the American Indian Movement, says he and other members of Lakota tribes have renounced treaties and are withdrawing from the United States.

“We are now a free country and independent of the United States of America,” Means said in a telephone interview. “This is all completely legal.”

Means said a Lakota delegation on Monday delivered a statement of “unilateral withdrawal” from the United States to the U.S. State Department in Washington.

The State Department did not respond. “That’ll take some time,” Means said.

Meanwhile, the delegation has delivered copies of the letter to the embassies of Bolivia, Venezuela, Chile and South Africa. “We’re asking for recognition,” Means said, adding that Ireland and East Timor are “very interested” in the declaration.

Find more cool current events and other stuff at my new website: Hey It's Me

Other countries will get copies of the same declaration, which Means said also would be delivered to the United Nations and to state and county governments covered by treaties, including treaties signed in 1851 and 1868. “We’re willing to negotiate with any American political entity,” Means said.

The United States could face international pressure if it doesn’t agree to negotiate, Means said. “The United State of America is an outlaw nation, we now know. We’ve understood that as a people for 155 years.”

Means also said his group would file liens on property in parts of South Dakota, Nebraska, North Dakota, Montana and Wyoming that were illegally homesteaded.

The Web site for the declaration, “Lakota Freedom,” briefly crashed Thursday as wire services picked up the story and the server was overwhelmed, Means said.

Delegation member Phyllis Young said in an online statement: “We are not trying to embarrass the United States. We are here to continue the struggle for our children and grandchildren.” Young was an organizer of Women of All Red Nations.

Other members of the delegation include Rapid City-area activist Duane Martin Sr. and Gary Rowland, a leader of the Chief Big Foot Riders.

Means said anyone could live in the Lakota Nation, tax free, as long as they renounced their U.S. citizenship. The nation would issue drivers licenses and passports, but each community would be independent. “It will be the epitome of individual liberty, with community control,” Means said.

To make his case, Means cited several articles of the U.S. Constitution, the Vienna Convention on the Law of Treaties and a recent nonbinding U.N. resolution on the rights of indigenous people.

He thinks there will be international pressure. “If the U.S. violates the law, the whole world will know it,” Means said.

Means’ group is based in Porcupine on Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. It is not an agency or branch of the Oglala Sioux Tribe. Means ran unsuccessfully for president of the tribe in 2006.

Lakota tribes have long claimed that the U.S. government stole land guaranteed by treaties — especially in western South Dakota. “The Missouri River is ours, and so are the Black Hills,” Means said.

A U.S. Supreme Court decision in 1980 awarded the tribes $122 million as compensation, but the court did not award land. The Lakota have refused the settlement. (As interest accrues, the unclaimed award is approaching $1 billion.)

In the late 1980s, then-Sen. Bill Bradley of New Jersey introduced legislation to return federal land to the tribes, and California millionaire Phil Stevens also tried to win support for a proposal to return the Black Hills to the Lakota.

Contact Bill Harlan at 394-8424 or bill.harlan@rapidcityjournal.com
© 2007 The Rapid City Journal

I Am A Sinner!

OK, I confess. I have been sinning all afternoon. I have been indulging in Sloth which is one of the 7 DEADLY sins. In atonement, I have uploaded an in depth description... well, actually, I copied it directly from Wikipedia - which is probably indicative of even MORE sloth... which constitutes even more sin. But Oh well....

Here's what wikipedia had to say about Sloth, along with my own comments:

More than other sins, the definition of sloth has changed considerably since its original inclusion among the seven deadly sins. In fact it was first called the sin of sadness or despair. It had been in the early years of Christianity characterized by what modern writers would now describe as melancholy: apathy, depression, and joylessness — the last being viewed as being a refusal to enjoy the goodness of God and the world he created.

Yowsers! Now that's interesting!! A "refusal to enjoy the goodness of God and the world he created" there might even be something wise there... some small bit of food for thought.

Originally, its place was fulfilled by two other aspects, acedia and sadness. The former described a spiritual apathy that affected the faithful by discouraging them from their religious work. Sadness (tristitia in Latin) described a feeling of dissatisfaction or discontent, which caused unhappiness with one's current situation.

Whoa! Spiritual apathy - I have that thing! Often! I wonder if it causes dissatisfaction and discontent - which I experience quite often!

When Thomas Aquinas selected acedia for his list, he described it as an "uneasiness of the mind", being a progenitor for lesser sins such as restlessness and instability.

So - instability and restlessness are sins??? Lesser, but nonetheless sins? I had NO IDEA! I don't even know what to think of that... it makes me all fidgety just thinking about it!

Dante refined this definition further, describing sloth as being the "failure to love God with all one's heart, all one's mind and all one's soul." He also described it as the middle sin, and as such was the only sin characterised by an absence or insufficiency of love. In his "Purgatorio", the slothful penitents were made to run continuously at top speed.

Running continuously at top speed? Whoa Nelly! I better get with it and start loving God a whole lot more! Way a lot more!

The modern view of the vice, as highlighted by its contrary virtue of zeal or diligence, is that it represents the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts. For example, a student who does not work beyond what is required (and thus fails to achieve his or her full potential) could be labeled slothful.

Oh, oh... here's a bugaboo! Not utilizing your talents and gifts! Use it or lose it - better yet, use it or run continuously at top speed for... how long... eternity??

Current interpretations are therefore much less stringent and comprehensive than they were in medieval times, and portray sloth as being more simply a sin of laziness or indifference, of an unwillingness to act, an unwillingness to care (rather than a failure to love God and his works). For this reason sloth is now often seen as being considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than of commission.

Whew! Now that we're all slothfully planted in front of our big screen TV's it's not such a big sin anymore. (Big sigh of relief!)

The South American animal sloth was named after this sin by Roman Catholic explorers. Here's a picture of one. He's just a baby - isn't he cute?

Hey! I sold something!

It's a "Daisies and Dragonflies" Magnet

For $3.73, you could have this cool magnet too! Here's the product information: Stick ‘em up with our fun and functional magnets. Holds refrigerator notes, photos, dress up a school locker, room or workspace. Adds stylish fun to any room. Collect ‘em, trade ‘em.

• 2.25 inch diameter
• Metal shell
• Flat magnetic back
• Mylar/UV protecting cover

Cool, huh? Only one person in the world has one. If I was ever famous AND dead, that little magnet would be worth a shit load of money! Maybe you ought to go and get one too!!

Wasting Time

We may think that we are accomplishing something in the world, but if that accomplishment does not yield insight or penetrate into the inner levels of our being, it is wasted time.

~Rick Jarow

So... what do you think you are accomplishing? What do you want to accomplish in the world? And are you wasting your time?

I'm an Iris?

You Are An Iris

You are a unique person who seeks out novelty in life. An inspiration seeker, you often have to change scenery to recharge. You don't deal well with structure or rules. You need to do it your own way. Your ideal relationships are free and flowing. No one can tie you down.

What Flower Are You?

So here it is!

I really want to post something definitive about WHY I would suddenly let go of blogs that I love, blogs with subscribers, blogs with readers, blogs with traffic, and blogs that are actually bringing in some money. Yes, the Flickr thing was a problem, but it wasn't the end of the world. So what was it really that pushed me into making such a drastic move? Didn't I, just the other day, talk about how I love my blogs, and blogging so much that it's FIRST on my list of stuff I would be willing to sacrifice and suffer for?

The only way to really explain it is to get all the Morning Meditations up to date, which is what I've been working on. And as I transcribe them, I realize that maybe the best way is to just share the journey. I invite you to follow the links and go see for yourself.

From the moment I decided to "be Aragorn" it was probably a done deal. Would Aragorn be sitting at home blogging other people's pictures until 3am? I don't think so.

And tonight when I reread that first morning meditation, "Counting Coup," I thought to myself... OK there it was... the first call to action.

Then there were the Snake Racers. I got that same page I don't know how many times. My mind was just racing and racing... this and that... bla bla bla... bla bla bla... I'd get on the internet and surf and blog and read this and post that and I'm just zinging from one thing to another... I even remember a conversation with Daniel about how I thought that all the time I spent on the internet might be interfering with my ability to concentrate and to focus... like it was giving me ADD or something.

So, when I got the "Talking is for Later" message, why wasn't that a clue? Wasn't that a clue that maybe I was spending way too much time talking about stuff and not enough time actually doing anything?

And there were numerous gentle hints like "taking care," A Mystery, and "do what's in here." Then, since I still wasn't taking any real action, it became more pointed. I was told to "pay attention," and I did. I even went so far as to read Caroline Myss which gave me one of those "light bulb moments" where you suddenly realize OH!

And my big OH! was that I have spent most of my life giving my power away. Selling my soul for the approval of others. If I'm not needed and appreciated - then I'm nothing. Nothing at all, and I might as well just throw myself in front of a truck!

I decided to stop being a coward, and reclaim my power. Well... that's easier said than done! And I really didn't have a clue how to go about actually doing it. That a commitment of some kind was going to be required became clear. I was told that life was to live in, not to live under, and the very next day I learned that I was going to be doing something big and the day after that my stuff was all lined up and ready to go, a nice old man counseled me not to give my power away, and encouraged to really think about what I was doing.

And still I was clueless. I knew something was going to have to give... especially when the idea cemetery came up. But I was cheerfully in total denial of just WHAT that something was going to be. All the while, uploading posts on the Hanged Man and suffering and sacrifice ...

For a smart person, I can be really really dense!

And as I'm writing this post, I am amazed at how my morning meditations dovetailed so perfectly with what I was building up to. So now that the kicking, screaming, and crying seems to be mostly over, I'm finding a tiny bit of peace with the idea that the structures I built will crumble to dust, and I'm ready to begin the work of letting it all go.

So, there you have it!

Putting it all on the line

To test life, to allow life itself to lead you and to care for you, is not a parlor game. In order to move into your way, you may have to put everything on the line.

~Rick Jarow

Oh Oh, this doesn't look good!

So, the decision's been made, plans are motion, and now it's only a matter of time.

Yes, I am procrastinating my in depth and in detail explanation for ALL the reasons why I've decided to go this route, but I didn't want to leave you guys hanging too much longer. (I decided to shoot you instead). LOL!

OK... I'm not really going to shoot you, I'm just going to blindfold you, stand you up against a wall, light a cigarette for you, and then let the firing squad do it.

Ok... that's not true either. Actually this is a picture of me! I got quite a lot younger over the last few days and even had a sex change. Now I've taken up smoking again and pretty soon somebody is going to shoot me.

Alright.... none of that is true. What is true, is that I've decided to let all but two of the blogs go. If you are wondering why I'm taking such a drastic step, one of my many reasons can be found at this post over at The Prosperity Project.

And yes, I'm keeping this one. And yes, it's been excruciatingly ridiculously painful and I have SUFFERED! So, I think that serves me right for posting all that stuff about suffering! And I did find some cool pictures today - so I guess I'll upload them here - and I'm also going to post MY idea of the Great Penis Nebula for my friend Bob so that he can have something SEXY to post over at Black Holes and Astrostuff, and if I'm not careful, I'll be turning this blog into it's own black hole by not really letting go of the marathon blogging. Which would defeat the whole purpose of letting them go in the first place!!

So...
I'm going to shut up now and eat my last meal!

Letting Go

Morning Meditation

So... I'm wiffle waffling and angsting over the blogs - the picture blogs in particular - but they do seem to be tangled up with the others as well.

When I did my morning meditation I asked specifically if I could get some insight into what to do about them.

I turned to Tsatsalatksa - a strong, beautiful, Skokomish woman. She wouldn't make direct eye contact with me. She kept looking over my head off into the distance. As I merged into the picture I found myself standing with her on a road at the top of a hill.

In the "dream" I was a child, she the mother. I was looking backward, she was looking forward. Gently, she reached down and with her hands on my shoulders, she turned me around.

Far on the horizon was a beautiful city. She said, "Do you see that?" And I knew that was where we were headed. We started walking and trailing behind me was a wagon piled high with my various stuff.

I thought to myself, this is too apt, too symbolic, I must be making it up. So I tried to forget about the stuff, to NOT see it, to NOT imagine it, but still the wagon full of stuff persisted. So finally, I gave in and accepted that it was there for a reason and a purpose.

The woman looked down at me and said, "Let it go." and I said, "But I need it." and she said, "Let it go." and I said, "But I need it." and she said, "Let it go." and I said, "But I want it."

She was very patient. The dialogue continued. She would say, "Let it go." And I would say, "But I like it." "But what if I need it." "But what if it comes in handy later?" "But what about other people who like it." "But I love it." "But it's fun and interesting." "But... But.... But..."

And to each "But.." She would reply, "Let it go."

Finally, she reached down and unclenched my fingers from the handle of the wagon. The whole time, I'm saying, "But... But..."

And even when I wasn't hanging on to the wagon any more, the stuff was still following us, attached by a string that I was holding in my pocket.

She said, "Really, you must let it go."

And I did try, but I just couldn't seem to cut myself off from it. So she stopped and pointed at the beautiful city on the horizon, glowing and shimmering with golden light. "That's where we are going, you need to let this other go."

She pointed down the hill, and I saw before us valleys and forests, cliffs and dangerous territory. I knew that if I tried to drag my noisy, bulky, heavy wagon through all that - we would surely fail. Maybe even die.

That journey looked exciting, and interesting, adventuresome and dangerous. I let go of the string and the wagon. It felt so scary and vulnerable to do that.

We started off again. "But wait," I said. "I need some stuff. I need to get some stuff out of it to take with us." She didn't let go of my hand so that I could run back and rifle through the wagon.

She smiled and said, "What do you have in your pockets?" And suddenly they were bulging with stuff.

The first thing I pulled out was a whistle. "You can take this," she said, "it might come in handy." I had a small flash of being in a dark scary forest, playing the whistle and finding courage, maybe even faeries.

She insisted that I empty my pockets. So much stuff - a candle, knives, sticks, gum, lots of stuff.

The only thing she let me keep was the whistle. I felt very naked as we turned and began to walk down the hill.

NOTE: I'm thinking that whistle is this one little blog.

What is the Morning Meditation?

Crumbling to Dust

Morning Meditation

Still in a deep funk about the possibility of losing the blogs, and now my life seems pretty meaningless and significantly lonely. Reeling with angst over issues of unworthiness and all my "stuff" really in my face. It's a bad funk.

So, I didn't get very well centered nor was I able to maintain much real focus for this morning's meditation.

I turned to a ruined Hopi village, deserted, abandoned, structures crumbling to dust. It seemed appropriate, but at this point I'm not sure how helpful it was as I could not stay long enough to discover anything more.

I'm just too upset, to messed up right now to "be" with it.

What is the Morning Meditation?