Why I Didn't Become A Nudist Yesterday

Have you ever noticed how stuff that you want to do sounds so easy when you think about it, and then when you go to actually do it, it's not at all how you expected? And how stuff that you don't want to do seems so hard and awful when you think about it, and that when you finally actually do it, it's not all that bad?

And yes, it's not always like that. Case in point: I got a new (to me) washer and dryer to replace my old broken ones. Great huh? Yeah, until I noticed that the aluminum hose thingy that vents the hot air out of the house isn't staying on the dryer. Not good when it's 102 outside and the A/C is running like crazy anyway.

So, I said to myself. I'll just fix it. But then I started thinking about what a hassle it is to move the washer and dryer out from their little cubicle, and how I'd have to go BUY a clamp for it, and how whenever I go to Home Depot I can't ever find what I want and the sales guys run when they see me coming, and how I have other things to do, and what a hassle it is to move the washer and dryer, and I'd have to BUY something... you get the picture.

Two weeks later, I'm still not able to use the dryer because I haven't mustered up the energy... because it seems hard and complicated. So, here we have a perfect example of blowing something out of proportion! How hard can it be?

Indeed!

Well, I went to Home Depot, and a guy in plumbing actually came up to me and asked me if I needed assistance. I almost fainted from the shock of it! So, he sold me a clamp for the dryer hose thingy and it was less than $3. So much for all those expectations, right?

Back home, I said to myself, "Self, we can do this, we'll just pull the washer out and then climb over it, slip the clamp on, tighten it up, and Voila! Once again you can dry your clothes in the dryer! And yes, it might be a little cramped back there behind the dryer, and yes, it might be a little bit hard to get the clamp on, but how long can it take? how hard can it be? probably even a moron could do it!

Ha!

I went to pull the washer away from the wall and WTF?? the sides are loose and just dangling! Somehow the back has come unattached from the sides, and the front sides and back of the washing machine are just hanging there. I can't pull on it because when I do the whole thing threatens to come apart.

When I get done ranting and cursing, I called my son-in-law and asked him to come up and help me. It's always easier for me to deal with a problem when someone else is there standing around looking dumb. While I was waiting for him, I managed to get the washer pulled about a foot away from the wall... but now the sides are even looser.

So, James gets there, and between the two of us, we manage to make a space just barely big enough for me to kneel sideways in, and after about 15 minutes of turning myself into a pretzel, I manage to squeeze in behind the washer. We finally get it back together, but it won't stay. Some screw has come off somewhere... or something... and all scrunched in there, I can't figure out where it came off from, or how it all "snaps" into place...

We spend a good 20 minutes saying stuff like... I don't know... uh... so now what... goddammit... whatthefuck... etc

In the mean time, my legs and knees are about to give out, but whenever I stand up, the thing pops apart, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be crippled or paralyzed for life!! And will it take a forklift to get me out from behind the washer...

And then it occurred to me... you can fix just about anything with duct tape. So, that's what we did. We duct taped it together... and then... holding our breath... we put the washer on "spin cycle" and it didn't pop apart. I managed to crawl over the washer (via the dryer) without messing anything up... and very very very carefully we pushed it back into place. So far so good. Thank God for duct tape!

So, the dryer is next. I'm thinking... OK.. this won't be too bad... I'm thinking I'll push the dryer out about 3 feet and at least I'll have plenty of room... but NO! the washer and dryer just barely fit into the closet space provided for them, and the dryer will not pull out past the washer because the doors are in the way. It's one of those built in closets for appliances with bifold doors on a track. Well... I'm not the least bit interested in taking the doors off the track, because I don't know how to do that, and it looks complicated, and maybe even impossible. And I'm not about to try to move the washer sideways.

What to do... what to do... we hemmed and hawed... my son-in-law scratched his butt... I looked away because that was just well gross... even though stuff like that was the main reason I asked him to help me... and it did work... because in order to avoid more butt scratching episodes, I decided we'd just start moving it this way and that and see just how far it would come. Finally, we got it pulled out at an angle so that there was just barely enough room for me to get in there, and guess what?

The stupid aluminum duct thingy is just bent up enough that it won't go on the dryer vent all the way, and if you pull on it, it starts to unravel, and I can't see what I'm doing, and whenever I think I've got it and start screwing down the clamp, it slips just at the last minute and I have to unscrew the stupid clamp thing and start all over. And duct tape won't work because I can't get it around the duct because it keeps sticking to itself instead because I can't get my fingers in there because I can't bend my elbows too far and my knees are about to disintegrate and I've run out of interesting and colorful cuss words and ... well ... it's not pretty.

That's when I decided that clearly The Master of the Universe didn't want me to have appliances and that maybe I should just burn all my clothes and become a nudist.. I'd get fired from my job pretty quickly (showing up naked isn't in the "dress code" I wonder why) and so then I wouldn't be able to pay my bills, my house would get repossessed which might not be so bad because I could live in a little house made of sticks and mud out by the pond and eat crawdads, goldfish, cockatiel eggs, and cottonwood bark... and all the appliances in the world could just go to hell!

Immediately, I'm telling you, it was immediate! The thingy slipped on, and I got the clamp screwed down! My idea of life without appliances must have made an impression on the Master of the Universe! So, there you have it! And that's why I didn't become a nudist yesterday!